OLD - a quick survey

[Nollynoodle]

We all hear/ know it's a numbers game. Plenty of nutters out there. After dodging yet another bullet last night I thought I'd ask:

1. How many men did you meet first before you got lucky & found a nice one?

or

2. After how many men did you decide 'this is pointless' & walked away?

I'll start the ball rolling, I've met 9 so far. All sounded good pre-meeting.
One was a chainsmoking alcoholic, 4 had clear mental health issues, 1 had very serious anger management issues, one was gay?!, one was a fantastist away with the fairies wanting to play doctors & nurses, & one seemed normal but could only 'get it up in bed' if he twiddled both his nipples himself nonstop like he was tuning the radio

So what was your experience?

I've met 6 or 7. All seemed like nice, decent men who were pretty much as described in their profile. In most cases I had a nice evening but no desire to take it further. One has become a friend. One I dated for 2 months. He was lovely but just not right for me. One I've been dating since June. I had a couple of very dodgy people contacting me (one boasting of his ability with knives, one wanting me to wear high heels on date). They were quickly filtered out. There was one guy I met once didn't want to see again and he sent some unpleasant emails. He was 12 years younger ( early 40s).
I'm older (50 something). Does that make a difference? I'd like to think the 50 something men are more sorted, clearer about what they want, less likely to play games. Maybe I've just been lucky.

It was some time ago that I did OLD, but I probably met about 40 men, aged late twenties to early forties, over an 18 month or so period. Most I had only one or two dates with because I or he or both of us knew we weren't compatible; a handful I saw several times before the same; and I had three short relationships lasting a few months each (amid the dates, not consecutively) before meeting DP.

I didn't meet a single weirdo. Not one! And only one or two who had clearly been lying on their profiles. I was quite ruthless about filtering my messages and deciding who I'd meet and anyone who as much as mentioned sex at message stage I immediately stopped contact with. I approached first dates with the attitude that if nothing else, I'd have a nice couple of hours with someone who seemed like they'd be good company, and for the very most part that was exactly how it was.

Friends are often quite disappointed that I have no funny or cringey stories to tell.

According to my survey back in February the average is 9.5 so you may only have half a man more to go ...

Online dating frogs

No 1 Special forces nut job with issues - fun but dangerous and dumped me (luckily)

No 2 Chatty hoarder with a lovely family who I now live with happily

He met lots of women before me most of whom he reckons just wanted a free night out

Going back 12 years or so...

Probably went on dates with 10 or 12.

Had 'dating relationships' with 2. On breaking up got back into the OLD market pretty quickly rather than moping over it.

Actually met DH just 4 weeks after the second relationship ended. We've been married 9 years in November, together 11.

I was in my twenties so mixing OLD up with traditional meeting guys in bars and clubs and through mates. From reading the threads on relationships now, OLD sounds like a whole different kettle of fish. Guys actually seemed to want relationships on the whole then.

Going back a bit but I met up with 4 guys. 3 I never saw again (my choice) and the other became a good friend. No spark with any of them (and they were all short!).
Then again, my best friend is married to a gem of a man she met online.
It didn't work for me but she's proof it can work.

I met my stbxh through a chat room nearly 14 years ago, before OLD became a real 'thing'. He was the 4th man I met up with. The first 3 were- someone who was just after a regular fb, a player who I ended up having a one nighter with, and someone who lived 1000 km away- nice enough but no long term potential.
I got lucky I guess- my ex is a really good person and we have 2 dc together- married 10.5 years.

After recently taking the OLD plunge, I am now in the early stages of a relationship with the first man I met up with - it's been about 6 weeks. Just taking things slowly and enjoying his company.

Comtesse - 40 men!!!! You really have staying power

Chatted to many, met three, married the 4th but this happened over a long period of time when I would either be actively seeking or taking a break from OLD. Been married 6 years.

Went on a date with one person. Still very happily with him 8 months later.
I had very rigid boundaries and didn't engage with most people who messaged me due to the usual 'hi sexy' or 'wanna chat? '

Date 1 - the guy had used a photo of another man(!) on his profile. So, instead of the handsome guy turning up, I had a date with the elephant man (I left after 2 glasses of wine).

Date 2 - We are Married! Been together 7 years and very happy.

I think there's a lot of luck involved.

But it has to be more successful that meeting someone in a bar (I think), as you can weed out the guys you aren't suited to.

So, I say persevere!

Plenty of Fish is very good.

Met up with one bloke and he's so lovely

I didn't really like his OLD profile, in fact I skipped straight past it. Then I had this sudden doom feeling like I'd made a huge mistake and searched for ages until I found him again so I could like his profile Then he messaged me and after chatting online for a couple of weeks we met up and have been seeing each other ever since - only since June so not long yet but I hope it will last for a while longer

We would never have met randomly in RL, and I sometimes wonder about all the people you might have met, but didn't.

Met lots, prob 30ish. As above looked at it as a nice evening out and can honestly say everyone I met had something interesting to say. Some I met again once or twice.
I really think you have to 'cast' a bigger net. Wink/like/message anyone who may be a possible, message and meet up if only to cross them off your list.
Met my dh and knew from very first contact he was special :-)
Very happy and would recommend OLD to anyone

Dh was the first man I met in real life. I'd messaged back and forth with a few others but none had that spark til DH. We met a month after we began chatting and hit it off, six months later he met DS1 (who was 18 months at the time) and now we're married with DS2 and life's grand.

I don't think I'd have met many men from there though, loads were complete pricks.

Ooh... Let me see. Started OLD in January. Originally signed up with Guardian Soulmates.

First date guy was nice enough but we didn't really have anything to talk about. He had already mailed to say he didn't think it would work and wished me all the best before I got home from the date.

Second guy I went on 3/4 dates with even though he was an arsehole. Not sure why I bothered with him except that I REALLY wasn't getting much response on SM.

Third guy was a creep and almost certainly a racist. Still, he contacted me through FetLife so that was probably a bad sign.

Then I switched to OkCupid. Got a lot of weirdos contacting me. But luckily the numbers of responses were much better. So once I'd disregarded the weirdos, teenagers and people who thought "hey u horniy?" was an acceptable first message, there were a few I went on dates with.

One was a teacher. He was fine. I was so tired though I yawned all the way through the first date. There was no second date.

Then there was the lady date who was the coolest person I have met in my life. I was totally smitten. We had a second date and everything. Then she texted me saying that she didn't think there was an future in it but i was a really amazing and special person and, yeah, yeah whatever, Cool Lady. I didn't believe your shark liberation story anyway.

Funnily enough, the first person to contact me on OkCupid (or at least the first person to contact me using complete sentences) is the one that has lasted. It started as non-exclusive FWB thing but it became a romantic monogamous thing. We've been seeing each other for six months ish. He's very, very nice.

Venus shark liberation?! I think this story needs to be told!

I met my husband online, not through a dating site but a shared interest forum.

We were together 6 years. After we separated I had 3 dates and the 3rd one turned into my last LTR.

Date 1 was nice but the sex was crap so didn't see him again.
Date 2 was quite interesting but he wanted a kiss which I'm not really into and then mid-way through he mumbled "Where's your tongue?" and I was like Also he gave me a CD of his music, i.e. him and a guitar that sounded like he'd recorded it on his phone and it was AWFUL. Out of tune funeral dirges. I was like NOPE.

Pocket, she told me that when she lived in South East Asia, she was part of a group of open water divers who would buy live sharks destined for sharks fin soup from restaurants then put them in a special tank filled vans and release them back into the ocean.

So obviously, as I was utterly ready to be seduced after that story. It had everything! Animal Rights! Deep Sea Diving! Anarchy! I was all hers.

I mentioned it on another forum - the lobster liberation front had been taking direct action in Dublin. So, you know, it was relevant.

That evening, LadyDate texted to say it wasn't going to work out. When I went back to the thread in the morning, everyone had basically rubbished the story. (Fins for sharks fin soup are taken from much larger sharks and hacked off at sea rather than small sharks in tanks, and, um, a bunch of other things I can't remember.)

The poster who had done most of the rubbishing said "I'm not saying Venus's date lied. Well, maybe I am saying Venus's date lied. But, hey, who hasn't made up a fish liberation story in order to get someone into bed?"

Just to add an OLD horror story to balance things out..

I met my ex through a chat room, a sort of precursor to online dating back then, on reflection.

He recorded all our typed chatroom conversations from day one. They now make gruesome reading at how smoothly he groomed me as a quite naieve young woman.

He turned up at my house one day without me ever having given him my address. Nor was my address elsewhere online in CVs, electoral rolls, etc.

I deduce he'd actually used information from photos of me walking my dog in avlocal beauty spot, then drawn a line around that area, eliminated several farmsteads as I'd mentioned I lived with my current partner and he was a farmer (my current partner and I shared a house but had seperate bedrooms for 3 years prior to me chatting to this man), picked up little conversational details like me mentioning I lived in a hamlet (not that many of those in that county), and then drove past my house probably recognising a small sculpture of a Green Man deity that was on my garden wall, that was a figure I'd probably mentioned in conversation before to him.

All that's easy if you have the time and inclination ^
in fact it's easier now because online footprints are so common.

Anyway. He ended up putting me in A&E a few times, nearly strangled me to death, and put me through 7 years of violent abuse before I left him.

But to this day, his friends and family still seem to believe he's the quiet, unassuming, warmly mildly eccentric little creature they've always known. And he continues to publicly abuse me online.

That's my story.
I wouldn't do OLD again if I was the last woman on earth.

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I'm terribly embarrassed about saying this. The only guy I ever got it on with via online dating, was already attached. He was youngish, 40s, and I was terribly attracted to him. We had sex several times, overnight in hotels, and at my place. Sex was brilliant, he said he wasn't getting any from his wife but didn't want to live the rest of his life without having sex - I think he was economical with the truth here. There was no way I was having a relationship with him, and he was staying with his family.

It was good, but I felt awful as I'd been cheated on. But it did give me an insight into the mind behind the cheating.

Sorry.

I did OLD on and off for about 5 years, lots of breaks in between.

I can't tell you how many first dates I arranged, loads, probably a third of which at least cancelled at the 11th hour.

Of those I met (maybe 40... possibly more, it was too depressing to keep count), the vast majority I never saw or heard from again, even the ones who professed to have 'fallen for' me before they'd met me .

I was variously told I was 'not attractive' 'not girlfriend material' 'a player' (that one because I didn't reply to his texts immediately!), that they'd only agreed to meet me because they thought I was up for it...etc. Not to mention all the weirdos, oddballs, ones who looked nothing like their photos, blatantly lied about their height/ weight/ job/ marital status etc.

Eventually I got to second dates. Had one who was scared of a relationship who kept me hanging on for a few months on and off, and another who became v ill just before I met him, kept seeing me while he was recovering and then once he was largely back on his feet said he didn't want a girlfriend!

After all that, last April I'd nearly given up hope, and had one last throw of the dice messaging men who I thought looked 'nice'. Not super gorgeous, or gym fit, or with amazing photos, but just nice/witty/intelligent.

10 days later I went on a first date with someone who seemed exactly that. When I met him I realised his photos were terrible, and he was really very handsome, and built like a rugby player

He is now my bf and we're very happy. It took a VERY long time to find him though!

I met 5 in total and the last one was lovely and we've been together 3 years.

It's not all plain sailing of course, we have 5 DCs between us and we both have some issues from our previous relationships but he is very committed to our relationship and is always striving to do better, which I think makes him a good un.

I was quite tactical about it though, I hid my profile and made the first contact with anyone I liked the look of, after initially getting lots of pointless messages from men 100 miles away.

I only chatted to them for a few days before deciding to meet and then went on a dinner date quickly so as not to build up any false hope.

First guy I was really nervous but he said how refreshing it was to meet someone 'normal' and nice! Next couple were both lovely, I probably liked them more than they liked me. Another one didn't really hit it off, but last one we went for a drink and ended up staying for dinner, drinks after, moving on for cocktails, getting a taxi home and the rest as they say, is history!

I have been on 9 first dates! One guy lasted 3 months.

The rest, well I didn't like them or they didn't like me. There was only two guys I felt a click with and the last guy I liked ended it after our fifth date when we became sexual so I am having no luck finding the one.

I have given up online dating until after Christmas. Hoping I will find 'the one' eventually :)

These were all on POF btw! I know, not renowned for high quality men, but I was either lucky or not very fussy!

Venus that's amazing, I can see why you were hot to trot!

I'm not saying Venus's date lied. Well, maybe I am saying Venus's date lied. But, hey, who hasn't made up a fish liberation story in order to get someone into bed?

I've met 7. Not got beyond 4 dates with any of them.

Two were super keen on me but I didn't feel the same

One weirdo (recently separated and into legal highs).

Two players who had all the right chat but were arseholes.

One guy who had a very complicated situation but I really liked him in spite of it. He ended up stringing me along for months until I found out he had a girlfriend so I binned him.

One mutually not compatible (but great shag).

Going on the 8th date on Sunday. Fingers crossed!