Mum prefers sister and it's really depressing me

[Fiona1973]

I love my mum and I know she loves me. However I have a very dominant elder sister who lives near my mum and who is much, much closer to my mum. She is super confident (I am shy), quite self obsessed and always needs to be centre stage. When we are together I am so left out as they always talk about friends they have in common and local problems. As she lives close my mum is always helping her and buying her stuff even though she doesn't work. I have 4 kids and work full time but she just says pity you live so far away I can't help, when we speak on the phone she always talks about my sister and kids as she sees them all the time. I feel jealous and really down about it. Am I being unreasonable?

I know how you feel. My mum bought a house 10 doors away and GAVE it to my sister! My mum looked after my sisters children overnight every week and never babysat for me once. My mum has been seriously ill recently and my sister told me I needed to help more despite the fact I live over two hours away! In fact I live so far away none of them have visited me for over 8 years. It is hard when families treat you differently but I am self reliant and have my own family now.

I should be happy as have my own family too but this really depresses me and gets me so down. I should be able to walk away but I love my mum and I love spending time with her. I have spoken to her but she thinks I am oversensitive and then discusses it with my sister who stirs it all up. Can't believe your mum gave your sister her house!!!!

It's crap but I think you just need to focus on your own relationship with your mum and forget about your sister's relationship with her. Change the dynamic if you can - maybe ask your sister to babysit so that you can take your mum out to lunch or to the cinema or whatever. And don't spend any of your time talking about your sister

Does she really love you any less? How far are you away? If driveable, just go over for a weekend. Reality is people see things how they want to see them. Your sister may be dominant etc. but I am sure you are old enough to arrange something with them and do it.

If you are so far away, it is probably little wonder your mum sees your sister more often and they have a deeper bond - it was always going to happen. But I would be surprised if she genuinely loves you any less.

They are probably in each others pockets and driving each other up the wall.....

"I should be able to walk away but I love my mum and I love spending time with her"

I do not think however, that you really get anything at all positive from time spent with your mother. She favours your sibling and likely always has done; they are two peas in a pod. You and your own family are basically put to one side.

You do not mention your dad; where is he?.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles.

Your mother has also caused this dynamic to happen. I think you are the scapegoat and are treated as such, this dynamic can often happen in what are really dysfunctional families. Its certainly not an emotionally healthy family of origin you are from. A common charge such people lob at their now adult children is that any valid complaint is seen as you being oversensitive. You are NOT being oversensitive here.

Honestly I would not rely on your mother at all because she will continue to bitch to your sister and let you down.

You cannot change these people but you can certainly change how you react to the two of them. Raising your own boundaries (these are far too low) with them would be a good start. Expend your energies on your own family unit, the best revenge with such people like your mother and sister is for you to live well.