A bit of background so as not to drip feed:
DH and I both work OTH full time, both out of the house from 7.30 - 8 in the morning to 6 at night, 5 days a week. Both stressful, full on jobs, his also involves being called at weekends occasionally and catching up with paperwork in the evenings.
2 children, one at primary, one at secondary. Primary child goes to breakfast club and CM after school every day. Secondary child leaves the same time as us to catch the bus to school, is at home by herself for an hour or so every evening.
No family near enough to help out regularly although grandparents do stay with us during the holidays to look after the children. We generally split our holidays so that we spend a week in the summer together as a family but the rest of our annual leave is split to cover school holidays.
So on to the crux of the matter - dh is knackered which is making him very hard to be around. His job is difficult, stressful, involves a lot of travel, sometimes overseas. Coupled with this he has mild CFS following an illness a few years ago which can knock him for six if he's not careful.
I am knackered too. I am picking up the slack, keeping on top of shopping, washing, ironing, homework supervision, making sure dd2 has everything she needs on the right day. All my energy is taken up keeping the day to day stuff ticking over at a reasonable level (and I very often forget things, particularly wrt the children - dress up days for school, money required for school dinners both examples of things that have gone wrong this week alone)
DH seems to be taking it out on me and the children, every small issue seems to send him off on a tirade of how angry he is that no one can do anything properly. This morning he was shouting at dd2 because she asked him if he knew where her trainers were. They were in the kitchen, found quickly, not stashed anywhere strange or completely lost. She hadn't known she'd even needed them until I asked her to get them. He stamped around the house, collecting every shoe he can find and chucked them all in a corner of the hall going on about how no one ever puts anythign away and he's sick of how no one can ever find anything. He then wheel spins up the drive and brakes sharply because the bin men have left the wheelie bin partially across the drive entrance.
At this point I go out and confront him, I hate this, but I can't be doing with this sort of behaviour. So we have a row on the driveway at 7.30 in the morning 
because tbh I'd rather do it there than in the house in front of the kids. Apparently he's angry because he hates his job.
I've been asking him for help with ideas and solutions on how to manage our lives better. He doesn't want a cleaner in the house as he hates the idea of someone else being in the house when we're not there and "poking around our stuff". Apparently he knows loads of people who have lives like ours and manage perfectly well so we should be able to. Trouble is, he has no suggestions to make things easier other than running the house like a fucking army camp where everything must be in its place at all times. Apparently I'm too lenient on the kids because I don't insist on this - however he doesn't do much to encourage them other than throwing tantrums over messy bedrooms or missing items.
His behaviour is making me feel as though everyone has to be perfect and the house must be pristeen at all times otherwise he will be stamping shouting and chucking stuff about. It's no way to live and I won't have it. It's all so black and white with him though, it's as though I'm asking him to leave (not yet) when all I am asking him to do is accept his behaviour is out of order and get some help or make changes to fix it.
Last week it was slamming kitchen cupboard doors because a plastic tub fell out of the cupboard when he opened it. We quite frequently get tirades about how the house is a shit hole and looks like a bomb has gone off in it (his words) when in fact it's maybe not perfect but certainly not "How Clean Is Your House" fodder. Ironically, a lot of the mess and stuff out of place is his. He doesn't appear to be able to see that though.
An incident which really stands out is dd1's birthday, we were waiting for him to get home from work so that we could order Chinese takeaway as per dd1's request. He didn't get home until after 8pm, I couldn't get hold of him, he lost track of time at work apparently. By the time he got home I'd rung out for takeaway which had been delivered and eaten and started the happy birthday song / cake malarkey without him. His response when I told him he was out of order - well he isn't the only one who's late home from work sometimes so I'm just as bad as him (no warning of being 2 hours later than planned? not contactable? no remorse? on our child's birthday? - erm no I haven't. He has rung me at work at 6.30pm once or twice to see where I've got to, I've apologised for losing track of time and gone straight home. Certainly never done it on evenings where a family occasion was planned.)
So, no cleaner, no family help nearby, dh and I both pretty much at breaking point. I'm already on AD's, have had counselling etc and can feel myself heading for another breakdown if things carry on as they are. This isn't due to my own illness though as far as I can tell, it's down to his behaviour and expectation that I should sort out all the family stuff (to his standards mind) and leave him to concentrate on his own job and cherry picks the home stuff he wants to do off his own back. I never used to be able to confront him, I'd be huddled up in a tearful lump in bed after instances like this morning instead, but my treatment has given me the ability to challenge this sort of bullshit. I'm really starting to wonder whether he prefers me to be depressed and compliant. I think that is what's really bothering me tbh.
What the actual fuck do I do now? If this carries on I can't see the marriage lasting however we've been together nearly 20 years without this level of anger from him so not willing to walk away just yet. Unfortunately I don't seem to be able to talk to him without getting upset myself as his reaction to being confronted about his behaviour just makes said behaviour worse, along with accusations of how I'm just as bad (I'm not).
I've asked him to think about how his behaviour is affecting the rest of us and asked him to make changes if he's so unhappy - whether that's a different job, medical intervention or if he just takes his miserable arse off somewhere else to live.
He also won't tell me if I've done something to piss him off unless it's to throw it back at me if I challenge his arsiness. So I have no idea if I'm doing something that gets on his nerves until maybe months later when he brings it up to counter an accusation made to him. So if I am doing anything unfair or out of order that's upsetting him as much as he's upsetting me atm, he won't tell me at the time.
I know this is long, and it's a ramble, just needed to get it off my chest and out there. I'd really welcome any thoughts. Thank you.