Obsession/Why didn't he like me/ Help with "it's HIM" not me

[WhoWasMaryJane]

I need help and advice to move on in an embarrassing situation with no rational explanation for my feelings.

I was basically being used by a man as a booty call. It wasn't quite that simple as he would take me out on dates etc and at the start he was pursuing me hard. But that is the bottom line. Sometimes he would go weeks without getting in touch. By that point I'd totally fallen in love with him. It's embarrassing to admit but I kept seeing him hoping he'd come round and start to like me properly.

It ended well over a year ago when he stood me up. He never called to apologise and sent a few lame "sorry busy at work" emails. He has since sent a few lame "wanna meet up type emails" which I've ignored.

Even though I haven't seen him or spoken to him for a year +, I am still really in love with him/obsessed and think about him all the time. He was cruel to me and hurt me so I'm not going to contact him. I know I need to move on.

My problem (and this is where I could do with advice) is that it has and is still really badly affecting myself esteem. We got on very well and our "relationship" was very passionate. I keep thinking "if HE didn't even want me, no one will." I torture myself with fantasies of calling him up, bumping into him and him realising how much he has missed me. Or going on major makeover exercises (losing lots of weight/super fit etc) to make him want me.

It's so soul destroying to think that he barely even wanted me at all (the weeks of no contact) and then to realise that a year can pass and he's never really looked back or made any effort to contact me.

How can I move past this ridiculous obsession? And how can I truly get my brain to register "it's HIM not ME" and rebuild my shattered self esteem?

I hate myself and how pathetic I am.

I feel your pain - I am going through the same thing with someone who came on strong, pursued me, I had a strong emotional relationship with and then he just went off the scene - probably because he was attached, but had told me all along that he wasn't in love with her and was going to split. Wish I hadn't got involved, but I just jumped in feet first, now I can't get him out of my head and this is going back 2 years. It definitely does affect your self esteem, especially when there is nobody else on the scene to focus on.

OP - My gut response is to go into therapy and explore what he triggered in you about your own experiences of what 'love' was and how it was demonstrated to you when you grew up. I have a feeling that you'll find an explanation if you look back much further than last year.

It's habit - your brain is programmed to think about him. That's love/lust and is perfectly natural. So stop using words like pathetic.

Now you need to reprogramme your brain. Firstly, give it other things to think about - new hobbies, new activities, planning a new project... I read a book about a woman who swore that jigsaws got her through her first winter. Secondly, when you catch yourself thinking about him, gently steer your brain back. Treat it like a puppy, i.e. gently and lovingly and requiring guidance.

I read another book that said it's not self-esteem that is lacking in situations like this but self-compassion.

It is shite, distraction, reprogramming (you head) and finding, or trying to find, a bigger, better, man.

Don't waste anymore time. ((hugs))

Yes, broken is right: You are much stronger than you think.

Stop hating yourself.
Get busy with other things.
You'll forget him eventually.

I can get caught up on the possibility of a man, never mind on anything real-if-temporary. But it always, always passes.

Counselling is a good idea, too.

Share in my current mantra - 'Do something practical, you know it makes you feel better!'

totally feel your pain. I've been hopelessly in love with someone who's indifferent to me for a couple of years now. I wish we didn't move in the same circles - maybe if she could just move away and lose my contact details. Like you, I've been wondering what's wrong with me - why I'm not good enough, that sort of thing.

I think the thing to remember is that decent people treat people decently - in a straightforward manner. Decent people don't string other people along for the hell of it - they have better things to do. What all these people seem to have in common is that they actively enjoy toying with us. I can't imagine treating someone else that way and being able to live with myself, so clearly I have higher standards for my own behaviour than I do for that of other people.

It is shite, distraction, reprogramming (you head) and finding, or trying to find, a bigger, better, man.

I can't decide if you're agreeing or disagreeing with me.

The whole of the OP is written in a very emotional, subjective manner. The scenario could be interpreted in a much more positive light.

OP it sounds like you're suffering from "limerance". There was a thread here a month or so ago about it, if you use search you should find it.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. I've read them all carefully.

RedMapleLeaf

I read another book that said it's not self-esteem that is lacking in situations like this but self-compassion.

What does this mean? Wasn't sure what this was getting at.

Goat/Broken

I'm not really strong at all. That is more about being stubborn and not letting him win rather than not wanting to respond because I'd move on properly

CherryPicking

I think the thing to remember is that decent people treat people decently - in a straightforward manner. Decent people don't string other people along for the hell of it

I know this but sadly am way past it.This man is not decent and I know it. It does not help.

I've read about limerence and I agree I am limerent about this man. It's very very sad and very very bad.

It means that people with high self-esteem also find themselves feeling like this. So it's not necessarily a sign that you have low self esteem.

For example, someone with low self compassion would say things like I hate myself and how pathetic I am.

I'm sorry for your situation OP but I'm not really sure how to advise you. Reading the testimonies in the thread though, there must be some truth to that old cliche, "treat em mean, keep em keen." Are some women programmed to fall for men whom they KNOW treat them like shit? Genuine question.

Sorry for chiming in but my bf has treated me like shit over the years and here I am still wanting to make him love me and keep him happy.
So I would say some women do fall for those who treat them bad.

Just because someone treats you like shit and you know it doesn't mean you automatically stop having feelings/attachments to that person unfortunately. Doesn't mitigate all the complex psychological things that are going on in a lot of these relationships.

If it did it would mean there would be no such thing as people in abusive relationships. I speak from experience although I did get out of mine eventually.

That's it ^^

In my case I can honestly say there's a disconnect between what I know, rationally, to be true, and what I continue to do and feel. Against my better judgement. My thought process goes like this 'i won't reply. Im going to be strong this time. Oh shit - i just replied - here we go again'.

How do we reconcile the two??

All of you who are struggling with why you stay in situations that make no rational sense ... it's called 'transference'. It is highly likely you are playing out situations from childhood, and because it's mainly unconscious, it's hard to notice it or to get any perspective.

An article here explains some of it:

www.whywesuffer.com/vital-knowledge-for-marriage-intimacy/

How do we reconcile the two??

"Fake it 'til you make it"?

I was trying (and failing to say with any clarity - apologies) is for you to try and find a way to move your feelings on, whowasMary.
(and yes I am/was agreeing with you !)

Sometimes my feelings get stuck in a misery rut. The longer I remain in it, the more established the habit and harder it is to break out and move on with my thoughts.

I definitely agree with the comment about decent people treating people decently. Which means that I have not met a decent man in a long while...