Emotional affair - trying to rebuild, need help!

[BossyOfficerFlossie]

So my OH had an emotional affair with someone at work, all happened earlier this year, nothing physical happened and they apparently realised what they were doing and called it quits. Lovely. Stayed friends, still messages, borough each other the odd book, coffee etc, still Facebook friends... I found out by accident looking at old emails trying to sort out an iTunes mess up on our shared lap top. We have had lots of long discussions about what happened and why, essentially he felt under massive pressure at work and this was his escape. Have talked about why this might not actually be a good form of escape, had a couple of sessions of counselling from Relate on line, trying to work through things. But... Cannot get past this. She still works with him, still follows him on Facebook and Twitter... She is younger than me with only one child and a heap of childcare so has a social life and hobbies, and still runs the marathons I used to. I am 29 weeks pregnant with our fourth child. I no longer run marathons. And she is a psychologist who does some relationship work and is all over t'internet handing out advice to others... And posting trite quotes about letting go of your anger. Essentially I want us to work and to get back to where we once were, but I also have moments of wanting to rant at her on line about her hypocrisy... How exactly do I get past the rage stage?

From the outside, she may look good but her moral compass is lacking. For a psychologist to get involved in an emotional affair with a married man, shows a complete lack of judgement and self awareness. It was my understanding that practising therapists are themselves always in therapy and yet she was able to start an affair? Facebook and Twitter are fantasy. On them you can present your life as you want others to believe it to be. Lots of times it has nothing to do with reality. They allow you to edit your life. If her social life is so great, why is she chasing after a married man? It is these times, when you are feeling low, that your H needs to reassure you even at 3am.

For one thing envisioning her as jaba the hut may help- stinky and deeply gross.

I would stop looking at her pages, it won't help.

They are only a lie anyway as you well know.

She pretends to be this great person but is actually a scab.

As for celebs...half of them are probably like her so who cares.

For the other half, who cares?

They see the fake her, not the real truth.

What makes you feel good, feel happy?

Certain food, exercise, tv series, meeting certain friends?

Yep practising psychologists should be in therapy themselves, so heavens know wether she has discussed this there or is just ignoring it. I appreciate this does demonstrate a lack of morals but then again I am not convinced that strong moral principles is what most men find attractive...

Trying not to look, and I know that Facebook and Twitter are not the real person at all, just have the odd 3am moment esp at work.

As for what makes me feel good, well quite a few things are off the menu at the moment as I am almost 30 weeks pregnant, so my usual escape of heading for the hills for a long run with my dogs is out! Have had a few nice swims with my younger son, a few long dog walks, that helps. Best mate lives about an hour and a half away and has just gone back to an equally insane job after having her first baby so bless her she is busy, a few long ranting phone calls has helped though and she has been ace.

Practising Psychologists don't have to be in therapy at all. Chartered clinical Psychologists (and those that aren't chartered) don't have to have ever been in therapy.

Psychotherapists undergo therapy as part of their training and they should return to that as and when needed if they're practising but many don't.

I don't know any Psychologists (and I know many) who have been in structured therapy themselves. I know many Psychotherapists who SHOULD go back to therapy but they don't.

Psychologists and Psychotherapists are different roles and training.

She is a clinical psychologist who has a psychotherapy background and who is engaged in intermittent therapy, so I assume it will have come up. I feel someone who offers relationship counselling should perhaps have had more insight into how damaging this could be. I am well aware that many professions do not practice what they preach but they do at least have a good understanding of the risks they are accepting.

So you're still holding her up to higher standards than you hold your DP?.

You can hope that Psychologists or Psychotherapists practice what they preach but they are under no professional obligation to do so. And it's not that simple.

Any psychology/psychotherapy isn't black and white; it isn't about conventional morality or social mores - it's about individuals and the response of individuals to situations.

If it was about morality then no therapist would work with sex offenders or murderers let alone people having affairs because they couldn't relate to or accept that person.

It's interesting that you say your DP works with/has worked with her so he must work in a similar field?. But she's the one that must bear responsibility?.

As I said originally - she owes you nothing either personally or professionally.

All of your posts are about her and how awful that she's been involved in this. She is not your problem - your DP is your problem because he betrayed you.

You're focusing on her and again; she is not the problem. It really doesn't matter if she's a Psychologist or someone who works in Lidl, the betrayal was by your DP.

Stop being distracted. HE fucked you over, not her.