dp gone out and i have told him not to come back

[muma3]

we have a pretty shit relationship at the mo tbh. never see each other and when we do he oes out or sits on comp or does paper work etc. never really feel like he wants to spend time with us . i was up last night being sick and i was supposed to be going out tonight. friends bday and i have had good news about dd1 and i have been having rough time so it was a break for me really.
well i decided earlier that i didnt want to go . dp been in bad mood all day and i suppose it rubbed off on me and made me decide.
he has gone out. he does it all the time . we have a row and he fucks off. it just adds the the fact that i dont feel loved.
when we are together we just row and if i suggest we go and take kids out he says we either cant afford it or there isnt anywhere to go or he has things to do . he is pulling away from me and i am feeling really rejected.

i broke down when he left and phoned him . told him i hate him and he is making my life hell . im sick of being his skivvy and being a prisoner in my own house. im totally taken for granted . i do everything around here and im just so fed up . not sure if im depressed or just reasonably pissed off. i have no option of staying in as he is out from 8am til 8pm . the only time i leave the house is to pick kids up from school . i am so tired of my life i cant go on like this. when i talk to him he just gets defensive and we argue its hopeless.

rant over

You need to make sure you go out as much as he does. He's out tonight so tomorrow night he must babysit. If you let people treat you like this they will. No need to argue about it just make it fair at home.

muma, you have a hell of a lot to deal with. But you and the kids deserve family time, either the four of you, or with dp too. He can't just say "there's no money", why can't you do something that doesn't cost much? If he's going out, there must be money to do that, I assume, unless he goes out and has a refreshing glass of tap water before returning home!

I think you're being reasonably pissed off, to be honest.

Going to the park to feed the ducks or play on the swings or splash in puddles costs nothing.

Agree with Xenia.

i feel like we have slipped into rotines that i have allowed and now i dont like . he does work hard but tbh he doesnt need to be doing second job and although he says he hates it i am starting to believe that he likes to get out the house.
i have suggested things like park/ ducks etc but then he will say that he has things to do .
my biggest problem is that i dont drive, am in a new area of town and tbh dont really have many friends that i could go and see. i have nowhere to go if i was to go out for a change . i say this to him and he doesnt seem to understand my dillema or have sympathy just basically shrugging it off and saying it isnt my problem or fault. he just seems to be so very uncaring and heartless recently and i cant seem to get this problem sorted. i want to be the most important thing to him and he put me last every time.

i have a headache now from crying . he texted me and said " you know how much it meant to that we went out tonight " so i said " well it means more to you then, me or our relationship , so i hope ** is grateful" didnt get a reply. dont know whether he will come home or not but i can see xmas being great fun this year -not

night and thanks xx

you sound very angry but about lots of different things - is it about being rejected by him? do you think he doesn't love you any more and are angry about that? or are you angry about being taken for granted? or because he doesn't give the kids the quality time they deserve? or because you are stuck with no car? of course it could be all of these! and you are most welcome to rant at will if that is what you need. But if you can, try to work out where the big issues are - anger can make us lash out and do damage that is hard to fix later on

he came home at 2.30 am . he was pissed as a fart and was quite nasty. this morning i asked him why he needed to go out and why he couldnt of stayed in and talked with me . i also tried to explain how him going out made me feel . he just argued i told him to go . i said he could of chose not to and to sort us out but he didnt . he has now gone out to football . its like he doesnt want to try to fix this . i feel like i am second best to everything . even football comes before our relationship .

yes im angry at all those things , hurt rejected frustrated and most of all i feel so fucking unloved its unreal .

also found out last night a friend of mine has got engaged. 1) they didnt tell me and 2) dp knew and didnt tell me. i feel like i am invisible in this fucking world and i could die tmw and noone would care.

how can he go out all the time when we have rowed and not realise that it makes me feel so unimportant to him . i want him to say
" hunni i love you and i will stay in tonight , i know your not well and i dont think it is fair that i go out all the time . we can see * tmw "
or
" hunnni im so sorry i went out last night but i wont go football i will miss it this week and we can spend some time together with the kids and have a chat"
is that unreasonable/needy?
i am needy i know but so does he and i am being made to feel like i mean nothing to him .

oh and he spent loads last night so all the rows yeaterday was becasue he didnt like what i brought and thought i had spent too much, meant nothing because he just blow money on himself where as i brought kids clothes and wellies ffs

{{{{{{hugs}}}}} muma3

could you print out this thread and make him read it? or write down how you feel in a letter? sometimes people will take information in better if they're not in a face to face confrontation.

i know how you feel about being stuck in because of not driving, with more than one kid it just takes all your options away doesn't it? if you do nothing else, get your licence. things might seem a whole lot less bleak when you have the freedom to pop out whenever you want to or need to without it having to be this massive ordeal.

Muma3, I really sympathise that you are feeling rough and have had a miserblle time lately. But tbh, if he was in a bad mood yesterday, he was hardly likely to turn round all of a sudden and say " hunni i love you and i will stay in tonight , I know your not well and i dont think it is fair that i go out all the time . we can see * tmw " , because from his pov earlier in the day you DID want to go out, and then you reacted to his bad mood and refused to go out. You can't illicit support and sympathy by throwing a bigger upset than him and expecting it to work!

Can you take a deep breath and actually be clear and direct with him, and not be affected by his mood? I know that is hard, but it's exactly like dealing with a toddler. YOU have to seize the reins, not wring your hands with how awful he is being, and then wep when it doesn't work! SAy 'look, I've had a bad week, I'm looking forward to going out tonight, so can we get rid of this bad mood and have a nice day, please?'. And then, if he is still being horrible, YOU be the one to go out, and have a hgreat time with your friends, at least. By refusing to go out last night, 'cutting off your nose to spite your face' sprngs to mind! OR you could have been v direct and said 'I'm sorry, I still feel poorly, could we both stay in together, please?'. Then if he had gone out anyway, you could have had him chased by the legions of hell, with fair justification!!

Sorry if this seems unsympathetic - I don't mean tobe. But if you're going to break a pattern, you have to be tough to brea the mould! Good luck!