I wish I could think of a catchy headline.

[ProfiteroleAnyone]

The man I've been sort of dating since the summer is a lovely person, in fact, the first decent man I've ever really allowed near me. Yes, I have a terrible relationship history but I'd rather live forever more as a single woman than be in a relationship that wasn't good for me (loads of therapy and time alone have changed me a lot)

Sometimes I feel very powerfully attracted to him, he grew on me as a person over the last year. But when it comes to anything like intimacy I freeze. In the past I've used my sexuality in exchange for 'belonging' with someone. Now I don't need to do that and I find I'm seeing a man who isn't very skilled in that way - and he's very shy. So we've never got beyond a bit of kissing until this weekend when he suddenly clamped his hand over my tit while we were not-quite-snogging (because he doesn't seem to know how to and I don't find that very attractive) and I took his hand off and said I'm nowhere near ready for anything like that.

I'm muddled up about this. I don't want to test the waters by just shagging him to see if I feel more into him afterwards. That just wouldn't be a good idea and could wreck a nice friendship. But neither do I think it's fair to keep seeing him when his rather clumsy (and a bit adolescent) grab for my tit made it very clear that he's obviously hoping for some action sooner rather than later. I am happy to see him twice a week maximum, one of those times being in a group thing. I don't miss him between times and we never text or speak on the phone unless it's relevant to an arrangement - but I sometimes think of him with affection and with a big smile on my face. I am very happy with this arrangement.

You won't believe this but I'm middle-aged and rather gorgeous still and he's a bit older than me. It doesn't read very well does it? But maybe an outside perspective will help clarify things for me.

Help me please MNers. He isn't the last gasp saloon by any means. But this is all so new even though I am old I would hate to DTD and regret it for any reason. My body is a temple these days and I won't give it to anyone unless I'm sure I want to

It's entirely up to you what you are prepared to do with your body. Personally I want to know if I am sexually compatible with someone before getting very invested. But I'm not you.
Do only what you are comfortable with.

Tbh he sounds like he would be a very good friend but not a good match as a lover.

You dont miss him, there is no spark, you dont desire him or even like kissing him.

The kindest thing to do is to break it off (the relationship!) and let him find someone else. Hopefully you could remain friends, but dont be surprised if he doesnt want to.

I certainly would not be sleeping with him to see if I liked it, chances are the sex will be like the kissing.....

It's just sex. Have sex if you feel like you want to and don't if you don't.

It's just sex

Not for a lot of people. For some its a weapon, for others its a gift, for many many people its an expression of love or at least, a strong attachment.

I have found though that my attitude has changed in recent years. In my 20's I was very "oh its just sex" and more than one first date happened after the first shag! Now, in my 40's (so similar age to the OP) I would be a lot more discrimiating. I would want a lot of dates and getting to know them before I slept with them.

Ime minor to moderate sexual incompatibility (differing drives, techniques, preferences etc) are less of an issue in a good relationship than a bad relationship is when there is fantastic sex. The worst relationship I have ever had (EA, PA and horrendous for my mental health) had the most incredible sex I have ever had.

I agree with Bogey that it sounds like you enjoy his company as a friend, but have no wish to turn him into a lover.

I would let him down gently and keep looking for someone who you actually want to DTD with!

You're friends. He's in the friend zone. Stop kissing him! It makes both of you uncomfortable!

If you like him enough to remain friends, meet for lunch in a public place and tell him so.

Otherwise call him, and tell him so.

You don't really fancy him and he's not doing it for you really. So, you both need to accept that his techinique doesn't work for you and another woman may swoon:) if you like him, and want him in your life, you can be v nice and just say you see him more as a friend, and you're having a dinner party soon - will he come and you have a friend he might like.

Otherwise just drop kindly and move on.

Having told him you're "nowhere near ready for anything like that", you've made your position clear and it's now a question of whether he'll respect what you've said or make another grab for one of your tits.

As it's taken months for him to make a move, I doubt that he's expecting some action sooner rather later and it's probably more the case that he thought you may be wondering why he'd not attempted to go further earlier.

Have you thought of teaching him how to snog to your exacting standards? At the very least you might derive some pleasure from it and you'd be doing a favour to your successor when/if you cast him loose.

Fwiw, I also regard my body as a temple. The masses are free to worship at it, but only a very select few are admitted to the inner sanctum on those occasions when I'm gagging for it communing with Lilith or Aphrodite.