To split up when you don't HAVE to? Or do I actually have to?

[HeSaysYOLO]

Okay so a deal breaker for me is money.

We are now in debt (house refurb), we have luge liabilities and outgoings, my OH has all control over our current finances and refuses to save.

He does share, he gives me whatever I want actually. The problem is he is a spender and I'm a saver and all I want is for us to actually save.

I don't earn. My youngest has only recently started school and we've never really been in the position to be able to afford childcare up until last year when we had a windfall, bought our house and become self employed. I am giving the self employed route a go too. I am skilled and have remained so over the years. If given 3 months, I should absolutely be able to make an income from what I plan to do but he will still, as he always has, have access to 70% more money than me, again with more disposable income.

Income on paper is really good. Our liabilities and assets for the moment aren't. We only have savings of 1.5 months of our liabilities which I have basically had to fight tooth and nail to get.

He says that we will save in a joint account, after me giving him an ultimatum, a grand total of 4% of our income!!!!!

I've just laid out our whole 7 year financial history showing where I have sacrificed, saved, spent my savings and he has basically spent as he's seen fit or got into more debt.

I gave him an ultimatum asking him to clear off debt (for which I have just found out he has 10k, but he is waiting to first save the whole loan amount and pay his first his is 12k and mine is 10k), see what comes in and has done over the last 6 months and to save 12% of the monthly income based on that, as well as have the income pooled and our disposable income split from that.

He sees this as controlling and me issuing that as an ultimatum as blackmail.

I have lost 7 years (more than one DC) of my potential pension contribution, I have used my savings to fund much of our house and items need for us, I have put my career on the line to pick up childcare and I have prioritized his education and comfort through a lot of periods in our lives so he could skill up and pay off debt.

Anyway, our differences in outlook and even wanting to provide security are different. It's taken me too long to see he wont change and him meeting me down the line at a pathetic 4% is not enough.

We are not married. If we break I loose, but I am seeing this as the only alternative against loosing later on down the line, with age and more time wasted.

I basically need reassurance that I am not mad, controlling and a blackmailer.

Do people really split when they don't have to? Is this a valid reason to break my family apart and loose all the money and time I have put into this so far? I am just leaving my 20's so I know I'm young enough to start again but I want to be sure I'm doing the right thing and have support and guidance from those who have been through similar.

Do People split up when they don't have to
Some people simply separate because they have differences that can't be reconciled through negotiating, talking, coming to a compromise, and the differences are important enough to make you want to go it alone. Which sounds like you. If you've had enough, you've had enough.

You gave up your own career and earnings to be dependent on someone who has a very different view of savings and household finances, I would say your relationship has serious practical problems.

I had a colleague who split after a long marriage with older teens due to a huge difference in attitudes towards money.

It is a huge thing and if you can't compromise then it's a deal breaker.

Can you go for couples counselling first?? I would really struggle to break up my family and change my kids' lives dramatically over money. Tell him you are thinking of separating over this but want to go for counselling.
Hopefully he will see the risks and agree to go.
What is the rest of your relationship like?

When you say he gives you what you want can you not ask for more and start saving it yourself. At least you would have some money put aside.

Money is not everything and I would not end an otherwise happy relationship and put your children through turmoil if its literally just down to different perspectives on income...

But it sounds like the refusal to compromise on his part and the cavalier attitude to yours and your children's financial security is the big issue here you have made it clear that you find this unsettling and he is not taking your feelings on board. He is also belittling your very reasonable -- feelings about how the lack of security impacts on your family.

I don't think money is really the problem here -- the problem is his refusal to consider yours and your children's needs. And if you can't make him see that that's having a highly detrimental effect on you and them, then this is an entirely valid reason for separating.

Wow! Your OP makes it sound as if you are an accountant!

So...Does your income cover your expenses? If it does then you can afford to live. OK, you might not be able to save but at least you have a positive cash flow. It seems silly to me to create a negative cash flow just to save.

I wouldn't mind betting that there is a large proportion of the public now that do not save.

We don't save! I earn a good/better than average salary, My DW is working PT on a temporary contract.
We would rather spend our money, enjoy it now while we are fit and healthy enough to enjoy it. You can't take it with you and what's the point in earning it if it just sits in a bank until you retire.

My first opinion, from reading your OP. You seem very interested (maybe obsessed) with money.
Chill out, like I said, as long as your income covers your expenses, theres not a problem and it's no reason to break up your relationship