Long time poster, name change for obvious reasons.
I had a friend who until recently I thought we had a decent friendship. She would ask me advice and I'd give it, and she'd either ignore it or take it. All fine.
Then it suddenly turned into her asking advice and if it wasn't what she'd want to hear she would blank me. Then come back apologising that she should have listened to me first time etc etc. She has always claimed her family and exes have been abusive and I've always felt sorry for her, so I never thought too much of it. She told me she appreciated my honesty, so things continued as they were.
Eventually she would ask me the same thing over and over and slag people off to me. In the end I asked her to stop as it was stressing me out, and I've been ill and don't need that. She would say how horrible I must think she is, etc. I said no, I appreciate she needed someone to vent at but I can't keep raking over the same things - my views aren't going to change on certain things and the hate was just cycling around. She'd lay off and then a few weeks later and she would start again.
Recently I've caught her out in something illegal (as far as I'm willing to go on that). I told her, in my normal honest way I thought she appreciated, that it was stupid etc. And eventually I asked her to stop talking to me about it. A few days would pass and something would crop up again and the pattern again repeated, with the previous things I'd asked her to stop dragging me into.
We've argued, a lot. A lot centred around her horrible attitude to other people - she rarely said anything nice about anyone even when they did her massive favours. I've said some things that were harsh at times (rarely I will add, but I'm not showered in glory), which I've always apologised for afterwards. Generally we have gotten along fine except for when she keeps repeating the things she knows upsets me.
So now we've had our last argument. I discovered she was lying to cover the fact she was still engaging in illegal behaviour. She denied it, then denied her lies and finally when she realised I wasn't falling for it said it was all down to me and how I react, and that I'm too toxic and abusive to be friends with - she can't talk to me about anything because she doesn't know when I'm going to go mad.
Tbh, I'd largely come to that conclusion about her anyway and I'm not mourning her loss. But the accusation has me troubled. Yes, I was always honest with her even when I didn't agree (not brutally mind you). And yes, I always reacted when she did something she knew upset me. No, I didn't go off on one about anything, and I explained on multiple occasions what upset me and begged her to stop.
What worries me most though is that its the line a lot of abusers use isn't it? It was their fault, they pushed my buttons. And essentially that it what I'm saying. I feel like I've fallen into a trap because that's what everyone else has been accused of, but ultimately I don't want to abuse anyone and what if that is what I've done. Can you abuse someone without realising it? If so, what can I do to make sure I don't do this again?
Major thanks if you've gotten this far and read it all