Clingy friend - how to get rid of, without hurting her?

[Winstonsma]

Hi. I'm usually nice, but have got myself into a situation where someone who was once a casual acquaintance is now my 'best friend' *her words and seems to see my as a huge part in her life.

She is fab, but we are very different and I just don't like seeing her anymore. I am a cow, obvs! It started off very casual - we'd meet every few weeks - or months even - then about 2 years ago she started telling me I was like her sister, that she loves me and i'm her best friend which really freaked me out (again, my issues not her!). Everytime I see her she buys me stuff and i'm a total coward can't tell her I don't want to be friends (I'm her only friend it seems). she's even sometimes cried when we leave each other after meeting for lunch.

I tried to embrace it all, I thought perhaps I could get over my commitment phobia lol, but it's backfired massively.

she recently moved quite far away but is coming back (staying with her folks) every few weeks to SEE ME (argh) and even claims to have bought a bigger house so I can come and stay.

She is soooo generous but also needy and I don't know how to walk away without really upsetting her. I've told her I find the 'love' and constant compliments talk very awkward and the tactile stuff too but she hasn't stopped it (she is naturally very forward this way)...

If I receive one more poem about how wonderful I am, I think i'm going to have to fake my own death!

It's her own self-esteem issues: she needs someone as an external validation of her worth as a person.

When you remove yourself, this will send her into a tailspin of despair, as she will feel an unlovable failure. This will be incredibly painful, but that shouldn't stop you:

• You don't need to accept having your boundaries trampled
• If anything is going to get her to take a look at her behaviour and change it, it's a painful experience like this.

(I'm not saying that you cutting her off will be the rock bottom that she needs in order to make some changes. But it might be, or some other event where she experiences the negative consequences of her behaviour. So don't shy away from cutting her off in order to "protect" her: you'd only be protecting her from the consequences of her own behaviour.)

OP: although you think you are being nice with the distancing and being too busy to meet, what you are actually doing is probably creating hope with clingy friend. I doubt she's taking the hint and instead she's probaby thinking 'poor Winstonsma, too busy to meet this week, I'll try again next week'. If you want to help her you have to tell her how to change her behaviour; hard because it will involve being brutally honest and not making excuses.