What do I do when he says he's not in love with me anymore...

[FeelSoWeak]

This might go on a bit but I need to let things out.
Myself and DP have been together for nearly 11 years and have one DS of 5, we've had our ups and down including him having a brief affair which stopped when he told me about it. Then earlier this year we lost his dad which he has really struggled with, it has been 8 months now but he gets really down and doesn't want to be around anyone, although he has been making lots of effort in the hope of regaining normality.
I thought we had rebuilt our relationship and where trying for our second child, well for 3 years actually, then yesterday we had a minor spat just before he left for work and when he came home he straight away told me that he was no longer in love with me.
I was very calm, we talked but he seemed like his mind was made up so I left him alone for a bit but when he came to bed I just jumped on him (sorry, very tacky!). This morning he said it was just good sex he has no feelings for anything. He has now gone off to work again and is staying with his mum until Monday. I would do anything to have him here.
Thanks for letting me rant on, strangers are often better for an open opinion. Please feel free.

Is he suffering from depression?

"No feelings for anything"
Does sound like depression.

Thanks so much for talking to me.
He is waiting for an appointment to come through to see a counsellor but he is saying that will help him with his dad but he doesn't know how to get his feelings back for me.
Can I be blunt.....before leaving he said that I didn't give him what he wanted in the bedroom, pesonally I have no complaints but I just cannot and never have been able to get me head around blow jobs, just don't like it.
Surely at 37 he would realise the alternatives can be just as good and besides nobody is perfect, I wish he would open up more but that doesn't make me want to leave him.
How do I get through this, I can't eat, feel hot and cold, does anyone have a dark hole I can crawl into.
x

Feelsoweak, soory I don't have any wise words, just wanted to say I am thinking of you. This sounds like a terrible time for you both.

Sorry to hear this is happening to you, is the councilling with relate? as sometimes I think in situations like this both people need to go, not just the one, even if you don't both need it, IUSWIM

FSW I just wanted to post and tell you how sorry I am you are going through this. Not doing bj's is not a good enough reason not to love someone, and I would agree with others who have said he sounds depressed.

Maybe if he gets counselling to deal with his grief he will be able to see other aspects of his life clearly, and then work on his relationship with you.

Whatever he decides to do,he is treating you very unfairly and I hope at least he comes home and talks to you.

Do you have support around you in rl?

Think he sounds depressed too. However you cant force someone to stay with you maybe after seeing councillor his thoughts may change. Hang on in there. Be strong for your ds. Sending you (((big hugs)))

It does sound like he's depressed, which has a tendency to make people very selfish. SO, while you're being supportive, etc, try to make sure that you do stuff that makes you feel good. Because you matter too. It's easy to end up devoting yourself to a depressed person no matter how tiresome he/she is being, repressing your own feelings and needs - but you're not (presumably) a counsellor and there's certainly no need for you to do the job of one, 24/7, unpaid.
Best of luck.

Morning, you are all very kind.

WFYAMC I have told him and his mum that I would go to counselling, anything really.

KG I have my parents just around the corner, his mum but she is still struggling with her own grief. I have confided in one close friend, she's fab. I just wish they could see a reason for this but all of them thought we were so much in love and really good together.

I am trying to convince myself that when his grief and possible side effects from his blood pressure tablets is sorted out, he may realise he wants a life with me. I would say that he has been getting slowly more depressed since he started on the tablets, if so loking at these may help. Then again why is he saying that if he did stay would he end up hurting me again in the future by sleeping with someone else, what does that mean.

P30 Thanks for (((bigs hugs)), really need them.

MZ I understand what you are saying but I do't even have the strength to eat, the house is an absolute tip, school uniform needs washing and homework to finish.

i don't understand a guy who would leave his family beuasehe wanted more frequent blow jobs.

there had better be a better explaination from him or some self respect from you.

i think the blow job issue is more him clasping at straws custardo as he sounds like he feels shit about homself and therefore wants her to feel shit too (IYKWIM!)He defo sounds depressed.

In the meantime you really need to pick yourself up for the sake of your DS if nothing else. acn you go and spend the day with friends or family??

big hugs to you- it must be a horrid time for you-x

i think thats a nice way of dressing up a fella being a twat.

even depressed people can be reasonable - they are not mutually exclusive.

or insane.

Thinking that he hasn't gotten over his dad's passing, maybe he is scared to love you incase you die too?

So his way of coping is to shut you out before he gets hurt by life?

I think he sounds depressed. I know he is getting over the death of his father but how is his life generally? Does he like his work, does he feel his is doing what he wants to do? Is he the main breadwinner? Is money an issue with you both? Does he like where you live? Does he appreciate what you do for the family?

How much have you and he talked about all that is going on in your lives? It might be he is panicing at the thought of having another baby, perhaps meaning he puts his plans on hold, just when his first child is reaching school age and you and he are getting more independence. He might be really unhappy or stressed at work.

I think you must show him your life together is a good one, you have a good, loving, welcoming home, and most importantly a future together where both of you feel fulfilled and supported - a life worth holding on to. How you do this is up to you, but try to focus on the positive things you have going for you. If possible, do something today that you know will make him (and you) feel better about your home life - even if it is a small gesture. This is for your good as well as his, as I agree with whoever said that depressive people can be selfish and demand your attention.

Try to keep yourself focussed on what you have, and making it better, rather than getting dragged down with him. All easy to say, but difficult to do, I know. Hope this doesn't sound too glib. xx

FSW

my advice would be to give him time, space, no ultimatums or demands but clarity on what you want and need in a relationship at the non-negotiable level (the basics e.g. loving, faithful dh,) then do everything you can to look after yourself and ds, keep your self-esteem high, see friends that make you feel good about yourself, make yourself eat some fruit & veg and take some exercise every day even a short walk is enough. Go for counselling together if you can, alone if necessary. When we's cleared his mind (and you know whether or not he's depressed) he'll be in a position to look honestly at his life and what he wants from it - this hopefully you can do together)

Agree with tigermoth. This will be a hard time and it doesn't seem fair (he gets to do / think what he pleases while you hold things together) but unfortunately this happens (quite a lot it seems,blo*dy men!) and If you want to be with him (your choice) you will have to be patient.

thinking of you - Mnet will always be there for a rant / support

You seem to know us too well Tigermoth, you have asked some very relevant questions. He is the main breadwinner and has always loved his job but for quite a while it is just winding him off the clock. We work to a budget, as I think most do, but I wouldn't say we worry about money. Everything seems to be winding him, even DS, this is what makes me think it is more than just our relationship.

His mum has been to see me and she seems confident that he doesn't want it to end but until those words come from him I cannot be sure. She has said he will be back tomorrow morning, we did have plans to get the Christmas shopping done and apparently this is still want he wants to do. This is going to be a very difficult day, his mum says I need to be the strong on and try to give him space.

He does not like being backed into a corner and does not chat about things, just buries his head in the sand, by his own admission. So I need to try really hard to hold my tongue no matter how insecure I am feeling.

I did say to his mum that I need him to come back tomorrow with a definitive answer, no matter how hard this may be I cannot keep trying to hang on with nothing to get hold of.

Hang in there FSW, sounds like some encouraging signs. Will log on tomorrow so let us know how it went.....

FeelSoWeak, I'm in a very similar situation so you have my symapthy. {{big hugs}}. I'm not sure I can offer you much advice or help on here atm though as my situation doesn't seem to be improving & I have no idea what to do . It's very hard to understand a depressed person & it's very frustrating that you can't convince them that their life is/ was good & worth saving. It's awful that something like this can suddenly happen and turn your lives upside down.

I tried very hard to be reasonable, understanding, supportive and give H some space but I know how hard it is to bite your tongue & not give ultimatums. You're right, you do need to know where you stand and what is going on but try to take your time. Don't rush into anything you might regret.

I am glad you have support in RL and that your MIL seems quite positive about things. It does sound as though DH is depressed and I really hope his counselling helps both of you.

I hope your christmas shopping goes well. The fact that he wants to do that seems very hopeful to me.

I wish I could offer a bit more support.

I'll pop back tomorrow to see how you are. x

Having been married to a man who'se parting line was 'I want to have children, just not with you' - I do have some idea of how you are feeling.

I'm with Molton 100% - after an initial period of crying in a large heap I did just as she suggested. I got my life together, didn't call him etc - gave him loads of space and looked like I was getting on with my own thing. It was all an act, but I thought he'd never want me back if I was a snivvelling wreck. What happened to me was I realised quickly that the marriage haddn't been happy and before I could even think of having another relationship I met my now dh, who I'm vomit makingly happy with.

it didn't get me my ex back, but it did give me some pride and some space of my own. In your case it sounds like he needs time away and he'll probably be back, but ultimatums, etc won't do it.

Your going to have a hard time suppressing all the stuff you wan t to say tomorrow, but if you can just do the shopping and be yourself without dicussing 'it' - he'll 'find himself' sooner.

Goodluck

Just wanted to say a very big and very warm thank you to you all.
Just gone 9 on Sunday night DP rang and asked if he could come home, what a daft question. We have talked over the last few days, he wants more from the relationship, wants us to spend more time together and make more time for each other. He admitted he had said some really harsh things. I am struggling with the anger of what he did and the hurt he caused me and am trying to keep that to myself, I have promised myself though that no matter how much I love him this can only work if we both get what we want so he has to be flexible too.

I found MN by accident but I will always drop in from time to time to catch all the good advice you guys share.

I hope you have a fab Christmas, bigs hugs to all.

FSW