Not sure how to handle this situation

[MoonlightPicnic]

My Dads got Cancer and we'll know if it's spread today. he's a lovely, kind, gentle man and it cracks me up inside that he might feel pain. I know it can be beatable, so as a close family we're going to take it head on.

My wife?s Dad passed away a few months back, again to Cancer, so I'm sure it's touching a nerve.

...but at the moment she doesn't seem to understand where my mind is. Two examples spring to mind.

She works out of the UK most weekends (part time) so my 22 month year old DS and I have the weekend to ourselves. This weekend however she officered to help her Sister for both days and thought she could combine it with a walk in the country with DS and me on Sunday. I decided I wanted to see my Dad (Thought our son would cheer him along a bit) so she gave me the talk about putting her last. She chooses to work weekends so it should be me moaning about being put last, but it's something I just swallow.

The second might seem pathetic, but shortly after hearing my Dads diagnosis I did the washing up. I crashed the cutlery around a bit (was feeling extremely stressful) and two small scourers fell on the floor so I chucked them in the bin. She moaned about this and added that if I thought the floor was dirty I could always clean it. I felt like crying.

When her Dad was ill I think I was emotionally supportive, even taking holiday days off to take him to Chemo, but It's this thoughtless sniping that makes me feel very low.

Any advice in handling the situation would be great.

I'm sorry about your Dad.
Tell her you're struggling and need her to cut you some slack. She sounds rather self absorbed

It doesn't sound like she has much empathy for you, which is bad.

Is she normally supportive and giving? Or is this sort of thing par for the course?

I'm sorry for your dad.

It's very painful to know your loved ones are suffering...
At the same time it's very heartbreaking to know that the person who should be closest and supportive is the one who is self-centred...

It's very very hurtful, I know that feeling.

Talk to her, try to explain... Maybe she will understand.

I agree with pp. You should tell her you need support and especially from her.
If she is being particularly shitty with you, do you think it may be her way of handling these stressful times? If so she needs to know how much it adds to your distress.
I hope your Dad gets good news and wish him all the best in his recovery.

So sorry about your dad
Do you think she's struggling with her own dads passing and this is just bringing it up for her and she's then Taking it out on you? They seem fairly petty things that she's sniped at you over, is she generally this way? You do need to speak to her though, explaining how much this is upsetting you.

Oh OP you've got a lot on your plate at the moment.....

Your Dad's illness and the news of the disease progression

Your wife's recent bereavement and emotional pain

A young son

Your wife working weekends

It's hardly surprising the tension is building as you and your DW are going through a stressful time. Some people are unable to support you when a parent/family member is ill. Your wife will still be grieving and perhaps unable to take on your feelings of sadness and your worries. I know when my DF died I was in an emotional quagmire for a year at least.Is there anyone else you can talk to, maybe a friend or relative? Could you access counselling at your local hospice? Our local hospice provides an excellent service. Be kind to yourself during this time

Sorry to hear about your df.

We went through a huge, prolonged amount of stress with my df's illness and subsequent death. It took me maybe 2 years to feel normal again and react normally to things in life.

I think you are obviously extremely worried about your df. But I think may be misguided to expect someone who lost a parent a few months ago to react in the "right" way. She's probably been through an incredible amount of stress and may find it very difficult to cope with more so soon. And may actively avoid it - e.g. by going to see her sister instead of visiting your df.

Which doesn't help you. But really it's not something you get over in a few weeks. I get what you're saying - I helped you so now you help me. But you're not accounting for the fact that she's probably very much in the grief process.

Might be wrong but just wanted to suggest it as something to consider.

I'm sorry about your dad.

It's possible that she's struggling too because it's so recent for her and she's still grieving. With more distance she might understand perfectly, but it could all be a bit close to home right now.

Were you arguing before both diagnoses?

The thing about the dirty floor and you not going for a walk - sorry to be blunt here - but, life goes on. Daily, petty, bickering like goes on with the most tragic of backdrops.
Yes, we should cut each other slack when suffering. But the reality is, you can still get pissed on in a very ordinary way.

Is the weekend working a big issue pre-dating the cancer? Your comment that she chooses to work weekends - does she? Any more than you "choose" to work weekends? If she likes her job and them's the hours, she's doing no more than you're doing. So I think you could give her a break over that.

I think you need to tell her how you feel. Maybe tell her you think there are problems and you'd like to fix them but you can't just now, and ask for some support.

Grief is hideous, all consuming, ugly, angry and selfish. In the weeks before I lost my mother to terminal cancer I thought I was at my lowest and that it could not be anymore painful as we knew she was dying and she was in so much pain --- how wrong I was. Then you think that the funeral will be the worst day of your life - but guess what - was wrong there as well. It got a lot, lot worse in the first year before it bottomed out. When you are in the depths of grief it is often also v v hard to see others (in this case you and your df) on the same journey and she may have nothing left to give you at this time. Grief is physically exhausting and is often expressed as anger. I really hope that you get good news for for your df today. I hope that you both get come through the next gruelling year in tact - it is a massive test of any relationship.

I would sit her down, and lay all of your cards on the table. Tell her that you feel sad and vulnerable, and that of all people, she will know how this feels, as she's been thru the same. The only solution is to be open and honest. What is hard for you both, is that you have both been thru the same thing at the same time (ish). Maybe that makes it harder, as neither one of you is feeling strong? My DH lost his Mum in 2013 (she was only 61) and he was angry for about a year. I found this very hard to live with, but I guess I was the stronger one as I haven't lost a parent yet. Not sure how we would have coped if I was grieving as well. But Yeh, tell her. Talk.

sorry if it sounds wrong but could it be that she has lost her Dad and doesn't want to be positive about your Dad having treatment and beating the decease - if she is still grieving it can make her irrational/resentful. Maybe try an talk to her about her Dad - she may also feel that he is forgotten now as the focus is (understandably) on yours.

Is this typical behaviour from your wife? Or is it a recent thing?

If this is a pattern then it seems she does not have much empathy, but if it is recent...possibly it is connected to her grief regarding her father.