Telling the DC's about seperation

[ConkersDontScareSpiders]

Has anyone any advice about how we tell our DD's that we are separating? They are 9 and 8 and after two years of first trying to make it work and then trying to sort out living arrangements we're now ready for DH to move out-probably before Christmas.
The spilt is remarkably amicable and the DD's have rarely heard us argue. As such I think they will be very shocked.
We are intending to share custody 70/30 to me (and only more to me as DH's job prevents him from having them more).I don't want them to feel as if DH is leaving them iyswim....so has anyone any advice on how to present this to them in a way that will minimise damage to them going forwards.
Im petrified about what this will do to them and dreading telling them, although its certainly the right thing now....we are hoping to tell them on Saturday.Any advice much appreciated....

Not much advice... Just flowers ( if I could work out how to send them on here... ) and thoughts.

Mine were around the same, and it broke my heart telling them we were splitting. Would never want to go through that again as long as I live.

Be prepared for lots of tears and lots of questions. Just keep reassuring them that they aren't at fault, it is mummy and daddy that are finding it hard to live together, and that mummy and daddy will still always be there for them and always love them.

Be factual, explain the arrangements and why. I think it helped my kids to know that we had put solid plans in place.

Good luck.

RLD.

Thank you-we've kind of held off telling them until now just because we weren't sure what we would be doing re the living situation. At least we will have some answers to their questions I hope.

We've not slept in the same room for 2 years and there has been lots of time when they have either been with me or H, so in some senses I'm sure they've picked up on something being awry and going forwards it might not be that different for them- on the day to day front anyway.

Can I ask did you plan to do something after you told them? I want to give them time to process it of course, but at the same time I want them to see that its not so seismic that their lives are over there and then sort of thing. Would it be good if we tried to do something afterwards all together or would that be confusing to them do you think?

It's going back over 5 years, and if I'm honest, I think I have blanked a lot of it from my mind because it was so traumatic, but I think we told them only a few days before I moved out. I don't know if that was the right thing or not, but our thinking was that since we're throwing such a huge shock at them, it was better to follow up very quickly with the actual separation so that they didn't start to feel it wasn't going to happen and then have to go through it all again on moving out day.

Like I say, I'm not sure if that's the "right" way. Just our way. I was the one that left, so I am sure my exW would give a different perspective. I know how much it hurt the girls, and my eldest in particular. She went on to have real problems with eating and panic attacks. We did actually get her some time with a counsellor to help her talk things through.

One of the positive and "exciting" things they got to do was to get themselves settled into their new room at my new place. I gave them carte blanche to set it up how they wanted, which really seemed to help them feel grounded in the new environment. 5 years later, I have a bigger place so they have their own rooms, and have decorated and sorted them out how they want them.

My work means that our childcare arrangement was for me to only have them alternate weekends, and a number of weeks through the year during holidays so as much as I hate it, they don't really see my place as "home", more like "dad's". Be prepared for that... I also made sure that I paid more than enough to their mum each month so that they could stay in the house they'd grown up in even though it meant I had ( and still have ) a smaller place. I realise I'm fortunate enough that my job enabled this, so that may not be an option.

Be watchful of their behaviour. They're young so they might not be able to articulate how they are feeling so show it in their actions and behaviour. My eldest projected a huge amount of anger onto the lady I left my wife for. It was me that she was angry at, but she was scared if she showed it she would push me away. The counselling helped with that, as did my constant reassurance to her that no matter what she said or felt, I would still love her.

If you need any indication of how hard this is on the pair of you ( though infinitely more so on the kids ), even though I have moved on in every way from my marriage and relationship of over 20 years, I actually have tears in my eyes as I'm writing this because I remember how much it hurt them and seeing their faces on the day I told them.

For that reason, and I'm sure you've already considered this... I'd just say this to you. Are you both TOTALLY sure ?

Sorry, that's way too long for a response... Just started typing and remembered a pile of stuff :)

RLD.

We are totally sure.
But I am equally terrified of the effect this will have on them. The plan is for me to have them more just due to DH's work which means he cant have them as much but he will have them two nights in the week and at least one weekend day. The girls and I will stay in our house, he will live nearby. The plan is for them, and even me to a degree, to help H with sorting his new place out-so they see that we are all still going to be a family but just in a different way.
There is no one else involved in this thankfully so at least we don't have that into the mix-I can imagine that's much more difficult for everyone concerned.

I am going to look up family counsellors I think and maybe book us in for a session-even if they don't appear to need it I think it would be good for them to have the chance to talk about it-I guess you cant tell what's going on underneath always so good to cover all bases.

Thanks

It sounds like a good plan to me... Just remembering of course the old military saying that no plan ever survives first contact with the enemy ! It's definitely good you've thought about these things though, and it may well be that the steps you're taking will really help them. It's not unusual these days ( sadly ) and many friends of theirs will already be in such a situation. That kind of helps normalise it to them ( certainly did with my youngest... ).

I wish we'd thought of the counsellor booking beforehand, but it just didn't cross our minds.

I wish all of you the very best, and hope you can all come through it as unscathed as poss...

RLD.

My friend was in a similar situation recently. It's a very amicable split cane totally out the blue to everyone. She was dreading it but the kids took it completely in their stride much to her surprise

Conkers just wanted to say you are doing everything brilliantly. My parents separated when I was 6 and my sister was 4 and were v amicable. They handled it similarly- fair amount of time with each parent, no rowing in front of us, organised living arrangements before telling us. I know that we were upset when we were told but it really didn't take long for us to adjust. For special occasions like birthdays, celebratory meals etc we used to still go for tea as a family of 4. As we grew up I found we got to know our parents as individuals and are still v close to them both, we all still live very close by. I really, honestly wouldn't have it any other way! I just wanted to reassure you that it will be ok. As adults, my sis and I appreciate how hard it must have been for them and are grateful they handled it so gracefully.

PS I do hope your name isn't true- I've got conkers all over the house at "entry points"

Sorry, just remembered we were quite excited at being able to decorate our 2nd bedrooms- if that's an option? We also wanted pets at both houses!

Hi conkers I'm going to have tears in my eyes writing this too! Our situation sounds similar to yours & I was (am) very happy to split but we held off telling the kids until we were ready & settled. I thought they would be OK - upset of course but ok because we were amicable etc but no, I'm afraid it was the saddest most heart wrenching conversation & period ever. It's such a strange juxta position. you spend your life protecting your children only to be the one causing the pain. I don't mea. To worry you, I just wish I had been a bit more prepared for the realities of the bottom of their world falling away!
I said something along the lines of you know that dads been away for a while working (living in a flat nearby really) well we've decided we are happier living separately and we've decided to be just friends from now on. Lots of tears & questions about who is going to live where, why, are we going to divorce, will I have to change my name & what size is dads new living room (?!) etc
Reassuring them that it's not their fault, there's nothing they can do to help, it's an adult decision, we will still have birthdays & Christmases together, they will always be our children, that we will make all decisions together, that they don't have to take sides of feel sorry for one or both of us seemed to help.
We took about an hour to discuss things then we took a picnic id packed to a nearby park & we had ice creams etc. They had fun there and I thought the worst was over but the sadness comes out later in other ways - being subdued, teary, over sensitive & appetite etc
I am very confident we'll all be ok in the end so I'm hoping that will be a positive influence for them. I think it must be difficult for children to see how things might be next week, next year, in the future whereas we as adults can do that & perhaps that's scary for them. On the other hand children are supposed to be very adaptable aren't they? Idk !
Good luck strength to you & hope they take it well

The second bedroom decorating is something we are hoping will appeal to them and actually H moving out will mean they can both have their own rooms if they want which they can't at the moment. Wont say that to them yet as I don't want it to sound like I'm trying to suggest they swap their dad for a bedroom so to speak, but it might give them something positive going forwards.
Jesse-that's exactly it-the juxta position of doing something that I know will hurt them when I've spent their whole lives protecting them. It has to be done and it will be better for us as their parents but I don't think they will see it as being better for them and actually realistically it probably wont be which makes me feel heinous.
I know its going to be seismic for them, and I just want to minimise the impact if possible.
Thank you ppandj, that's really reassuring...have had no joy at all with the conkers at ours tbh, but maybe I haven't put enough out.Perhaps you need to fashion a sort of conker barricade for it to work?

It's always going to be hard to tell kids, I think it mostly depends on the circumstances and also how you tell them.

I had a very amicable split with my husband, we both agreed that we didn't want our split to be a defining moment in our child's life (5 years old) we only told her a week before he moved out and we just said we had something to tell her and matter of fact said that we had decided to live in different houses and explained that she would have her own room at her "other" house and made it out to be an exciting adventure - we went out for a meal after and it was an exciting time for her planning what she would do with her room, that was 18 months ago and nothing has changed, she happily goes between her 2 houses with out worry - we are both as clear as we can be where she will be (shift worker) and it doesn't seem to have had any detrimental effect.

We have managed to remain on good terms (so far) and have spent a lovely holiday together and spent Christmas together. I also invited him back to stay when he was waiting on a new house to be finished and again were very clear about what was happening. Maybe it will be different if either of us meets anyone else but I sincerely hope not - I will do anything in my power to continue to enable them to have a fantastic relations.

I wish you luck in telling your children and hope all goes well

OP and Jesse, now that I am a parent myself I can totally understand your worry regarding being the one who "hurts" your children. Again, I just want to offer some reassurance that both I and my sister have not been "damaged" by our parents' divorce. I'm sure a psychiatrist could find something but we are both very happy and very close to our parents. I would even say it strengthened the bond between us as siblings. Obviously I know people whose parents aren't together who had a worse time than me, and I'm not saying there were no issues whatsoever. What I'm trying to say is that this will not ruin your children's futures and, if you continue to handle it as well as it sounds like you all are, it won't necessarily ruin the present either. Good luck and well done. I have so much respect for the way my parents handled it- I'm sure one day your DCs will for you.