Please help me, I need a divorce but I have no friends or family

[Playnicelyforfiveminutes]

I just lost a huge post, so ill be short

I have been married for nearly 12 years, and in a relationship since 19.
I need to divorce but I don't know a single person to ask for advice. I don't have an 'emergency contact' for the forms at school, when I had my second and third children my husband babysat, I just mean that I literally know nobody even in an emergency.

I know I'll sound an utter fool here.. I don't have my own bank account, and my name isn't on the mortgage because it would've cost more. I haven't worked since I got pregnant 10 years ago. I don't have any qualifications. I have no life skills, I can't think of any example now, but my husband does everything except the housework, cooking, cleaning, shopping and children. He does the finances.

My husband makes a lot of money, he has just quit to start his own business. Our first house was bought with inheritance from my mum.

Over the weekend I suddenly saw who he really was and told him I can't stay with him, but because I am so trapped i don't have the first idea what to do, I can already feel my resolve fading.
He emailed today saying he misses my kisses...he knows I am weak and clueless, I am always coming up with plans and failing, so I suppose he is just sitting it out. God that makes me sound pathetic. I really am too, that's exactly why I need to get away.
If I go back on it now he will know for sure I don't have a mind of my own and he will go a step further. He isnt violent, (he was violent once but it was very provoked and not like him) so I am not eligible for help from those charities. He is controlling, but not in an obvious way. Maybe he isn't that controlling, I don't know. My world is so small I have no perspective. For months I thought I was going crazy because I honestly couldn't tell if he was cruel or if I was bonkers.. Really didn't have a clue until this weekend. He says he feels treats me like a princess, and gave a list of things he has done. I feel he is cold and has no respect for me and my evidence is all a matter of opinion because it's based on feelings.

We have 3 children, but they aren't close at all to their father, he doesn't enjoy being with them either, as is not from the UK I'm worried he will go home and I'll never get any money. I never thought he had it in him to be deceitful, now I know he isn't who I thought and he doesn't feel he must do the right thing by the children

The only thing I can think of is visit citizens advice. I've got a number to call for an appointment to open a bank account. Am I missing something obvious? I can't look for work as I have a baby who's not 2 until December

I'd be vey grateful for any advise... Thank you

.

Sorry - I meant I've been in a relationship since I was 19 years old

Playnicely. No experience of this myself but loads of others have. Hang in there and they will be along with wise words. As I understand it, charities and organisations that help abused people are for those who have been emotionally abused, not just physically, so could be useful to you. Your comments about him being controlling and not being able to work out whether he is cruel or not indicate this may well be emotional abuse. People on here often recommend contacting Women's Aid. They can help with emotional abuse.

Citizen's advice and opening a bank account seem like good first steps. You will be entitled to some benefits.

Do you have your children with you now? Where are you staying if you have no money? Are you all safe?

That's so kind, thank you :) we havent moved out. Thats why saying I wanted to divorce seems so much like a child's tantrum when I can't buy milk without asking him.. I still iron his shirts in the mornings and life goes on as normal. Ive not had to have sex with him though which is nice. Children asleep, I sleep with the little one so I am still reading this board. Amazed at the info! Just seen the abuser profiles one which makes me feel I "fit in" somewhere and im not a phoney

he was violent once but it was very provoked and not like him What provoked him? Something you did or said? Did he only need to be violent once to stop you 'provoking' him?

Over the weekend I suddenly saw who he really was What did you see behind the mask he wears to fool you and others about his true nature?

He is controlling, but not in an obvious way From what you've said, it's obvious to me that he is controlling and apart from fianancially and, I suspect, emotionally abusing you, it seems probable that he gaslights you which has caused you to doubt what you know to be true, which is that he's caused your world to be so small that you 'have no perspective'.

Please don't think of Women's Aid as being a charity whose help you're not entitled to as it's a service set up by women for women like you and I urge you to make contact and request the phone number of your nearest branch who can assign a worker to help you work out what you'll need to do to break free of the prison your h has consigned you to, and refer you to a solicitor who is well versed in divorce and family law and specialises in cases where the respondent is likely to prove 'difficult', so to speak.

I also urge you to exercise extreme caution when dealing with your h and, above all, don't let on that you intend to end your marriage until you have had advice from a WA worker and a solicitor as it's probable that he will resort to violence again if he thinks you're about to escape his clutches.

Keep playing 'weak and clueless' as far as he's concerned, and keep posting here where you'll receive sound advice from women who have been where you are now and have found the strength to break free and create more rewarding and infinitely happier lives for themselves and their dc.

Fwiw the CAB are not best placed to advise you on the issues you've raised here but you will find the expert advice and help you need at www.womensaid.org.uk Freephone 24 hr helpline no. 0808 200 0247 or email [email protected]

Btw, you say you have no qualifications and no life skills, but if you can juggle "the housework, cooking, cleaning, shopping and children" you're capable of running a multi-national company

Have you never worked? Definitely open a bank account and arrange for child benefit and any tax credits to go in there. It sounds to me as if you are being emotionally and financially abused for definite and possibly sexually and physically too (there is NEVER an excuse for violence).

Contact women's aid, I bet they can help but even if (and I doubt it) they can't they can signpost to people who can.

When I left my ex I was a sahm with no recent UK refs and no money, it can be done.

Have you proof you used your mum's money to buy property? Banks tend to keep records for ages so there probably will be. Which I hope would mean you'd be entitled to something.

Ideally you would get child maintenance and possibly spousal but personal experience means I know this isn't guaranteed especially if he disappears overseas.

You can do this. If you need real life support in addition to women's aid try gingerbread, home start, local mum and toddler groups etc.

Good luck

but why you whant divorce?
what happen?

What he is doing is financial abuse and falls under domestic abuse.

Definitely contact women's aid and CAB, although CAB won't necessarily know about dealing with abuse. But will be able to help you figure out how much in benefits you could get, should he leave the country for example.

I'd also advise you to get at least copies of the children's documents and those relating to the house and any financial documents. Keep your eyes open as to which banks he uses.
And try to squirrel money away. Keep change in a safe place and ask for more than you need and don't use it.

Gosh, I can't believe These replies are written to a post IVE written : /
I do appreciate people posting. I will log the advice, and read others 'stories' I sort of feel like I've given a biased view reading them.. Honestly if anyone met him in real life he'd come across as a professional rather than a beer guzzling criminal..
I haven't lied but maybe I've been misleading, I don't know if i warrant this. Of course I also realise that sounds as if I am being controlled..

I just feel a bit like a fake because on the one hand I'm on the Internet complaining about him, but at the same time I'd be overjoyed and probably say you were all batty if he begged for forgiveness and promised to change when he came home!!
I'm not sure what I'm saying really, probably that there is a chance I'm being a bit spoiled and that there are so many people who need the help/services before me.. Aaarr I know exactly how that looks, but if you disregard the one time he kicked me and one private thing, Id look like a very lucky girl. The things I can't live with are all emotional, feeling so inferior, unloved, not supplorted etc,
not physical so that shows how much the violence is an issue. I just don't want to make more of a fuss out of myself than is genuine. Obviously violence isn't acceptable. I'm just trying to be fair and clear.

I'll just put How he would see it.
I chose the Financial arrangement, well, we slipped into it, ive never disputed it, and am happy that he takes on the burden, I'm bad with numbers. I never have to ask for money, well we always discuss it with each other.
I've never had to work and can Have all the children I want. I have a fantastic set up in one respect.
When we meet people as a couple I can see them wondering why someone like me is with someone like him, and for years I did too, now I don't trust my own thoughts any more as they are so unreliable.
How can I be in two minds if I am a mug for putting up with his behaviour or if I am taking the piss with my outrageous demands??!?
How can anyone be so daft!!?? What I do sometimes in the absence of friends, is ask myself what my advice would be to someone who had my problem. I can easily convince myself of both sides.
I've always been easily led. I don't think I matured emotionally since we met as teens and have stalled in time aged 19, I don't know if I am normal enough to even able to work I future say in a shop? I am not shy but I have no idea how to act around people, I don't know what they are thinking or if I come across as extremely odd or unremarkable.. I feel ashamed I must be such a dreadful role model to the children

Why don't you see what happens if you ask for the current account to be joint?
You don't even have to deal with it, but it would just become possible for you to access it in an emergency. Imagine what would happen if he died, or couldn't access the money. That would be a good argument for you to have access to a reasonable amount in the bank.

Hi hope yr doing ok.
I agree with goddessofsmallthings re stay cool & say nothing. If you really want to leave this man then you have to be prepared in every way... emotionally/financially etc etc
If you were to open a bank account do you have any money to put in it?
I would be searching the house for any documentation and making copies of your own. If hes a man that controls then he wont share information if it gets to that point.
Im intrigued though, what exactly has happened? Is it severe enought to warrant leaving him and splitting the family?
Talking of family id hide the kids passports too. The posts above five good advise re womans refuge etc so thats def worth a try. How about trying to build some friendships too.... maybe a playgroup with your lo?
Sending hugs, yr not paranoid or crazy, if this is how u feel then that is validation enough xx

Hi OP,

As someone up thread said, make copies of your children's documents, and most importantly, scan and email them to yourself.

You are not odd and unreasonable, you sound bright and analytical.

Please think of yourself and your kids.

Hugs xxxxx

Does your DH allow you to go out on your own, have a hobby, meet up with friends? Just wondering. I'd really try and do something for yourself - at least mums and toddlers group or maybe an activity ( gym, swimming, art class?) where they have a creche your little one could go in for an hour or two

Also - you said you have to ask to buy a pint of milk but then you say " I never have to ask for money" Does he give you money - even housekeeping - for you to decide how to spend it or do you need to discuss every purchase? Do you have money you can spend on clothes without having to ask your dh for each item you want?

It's entirely in his interests that you continue to think of yourself as a spoilt child who's never grown up.

As for being able to "have all the children" you want, that's known as keeping a woman 'barefoot and pregnant' which means that she is dependent on the father of her dc for everything and will be so preoccupied with child bearing and rearing that she's unlikely to question him or compare her state to that of other women whose partnerships are based on equality.

You've said he takes no interest in his dc which fact alone should cause you to ponder why he's chosen to have any, let alone the 3 who are living with a paternal indifference which may adversely affect their choices with regard to their own adult relationships in later life.

From the way you write it's clear that you're well on the way to surrendering your mind and your will to his, and I get the distinct feeling that you're in the position of a drowining man whose head has raised above the waves for the third time before he sinks to the bottom and stays there.

In posting here you've secured yourself the equivalent of a lifeline and there'll be no shortage of willing hands to pull you to safety. However, they can't haul you to shore if you don't want to be rescued and they may have to watch helplessly as you let go of the rope.

You've said you have no friends which implies that you are isolated from everyday social interaction at the school gates, with neighbours etc. When was the last time you and your h "met people as a couple" and have you not been able to establish friendships with the women who are/were part of those couples?

Are you in contact with any siblings/other family members or schoolfriends? Do you have a car and/or ready access to money for taking the dc out and about/to school etc? Do your dc have sleepovers with their friends and/or do their friends come to tea after school? How old are your dc and how do they spend their leisure time? Do you take them swimming? Do they participate in activities out of school hours such as brownies/cubs/sports clubs etc? Do you have family holidays?

You're not obliged to answer of these questions, but in doing so it will help us - and you - to get a clearer view of the extent to which you and your dc are subject to your h's whim and will.

Just wanted to say op just because your set up looks ideal from the outside doesn't mean you're a 'lucky girl' if you feel controlled and emotionally stifled. It's about how you feel not how your life looks to outsiders and if you don't feel happy it doesn't matter how good things look to others. Can you tell us what happened at the weekend which made you feel you can't stay with him? If there's any abuse of any kind happening are you safe online, can he access your internet history? Some of the things you have said ring alarm bells for me, he may not be a 'beer guzzling criminal' but that doesn't necessarily mean he's not emotionally abusing or controlling you and your self worth seems very low. If you feel you can give us some more details why you've reached the point of feeling you can't stay with him (as long as your privacy online is secure) it will help us build a picture so you get the right advice

Though you may feel you can't give more details and that's fine. You've already said enough. It is clear you are in an abusive relationship from what you've said.

It took me ages to see I was in an abusive relationship bcs I wasnt hit. However, the law now recognises non-violent domestic abuse as just as debilitating as violent abuse. In fact, the whole thing is called domestic violence as non-violent abuse is recognised as violence against the person.

As a first port of call, do the Freedom Programme - Google it and click 'find a course' to find a course near you. Free. Free childcare. It is an excellent course, can't recommend it highly enough, and will clarify to you the components of domestic abuse. It is a very non-threatening, safe place. Facilitators will also link you, and support you, to support services eg women's aid. Doing the Freedom Programme will give you the confidence to approach Women's Aid (not that WA aren't understanding, just you feel you don't know where to start and currently fell you're a fake. You are not a fake! and that will be clear to you once you do the Freedom Programme).

If you do feel you may slip below the waves for good, not sure which it is, abused/spoilt, then please keep going for your children. This is a deeply damaging home for them: if you can't do it for yourself then do it for them.

You can do it, play. Many of us have, never thinking we could in a million years. There's a lot of support out there these days

Don't let him know what you are doing. Plan it on the quiet. Don't let him know about the Freedom Programme xx

Do you see the financial documents, do you know where they are ? Take copies if you can. But don't let him know what yiu are doing

How's it going, play?

Bit of a shock, eh

We're here if you want to come back. Many on here have been sensitively supported through this process, every inch of the way. We know how hard it seems - but one foot in front of the other gets the prize

Really choked reading this thread. Sounds very similar to my life

but if you disregard the one time he kicked me and one private thing

This makes me worried OP. You don't have to say what the private thing is, but the fact you don't want to mention it makes me think it's very bad. If it's what I think it might be, actually you would be wise to contact Women's Aid. You're being financially abused and controlled if you can't buy milk without asking.

From what you've posted I actually think you are in an abusive relationship, you're just only now starting to see it for what it is. Priority, get some RL support. If you don't have friends or family, start making friends, contact Women's Aid, find a support group for people in your position. The key to keeping your strength in this situation is to drown out his desire for you to go back, with voices telling you you can do this and you owe it to yourself to do this.

For now, try to carry on as normal. Don't give your H a reason to get suspicious. Use this time to prepare so that when you're ready to go you do so from a platform of strength.

In the meantime, I'd recommend you start reading up on the dynamics of abusive relationships as much as possible. There doesn't have to be physical abuse for it to be abusive, and once is often enough to establish control. This book and this book will help you articulate and understand what you're feeling.If you're worried about having them in the house, you an download a kindle app for your laptop or phone and purchase them as ebooks.

I'd also recommend you locate and keep vital documents, such as passports, birth certificates, a copy of the mortgage agreement, something showing your inheritance, and bank account details and statements, etc. IF you can, get copies and leave them in a safe place somewhere other than home, even if that means uploading copies into a cloud database.

Try to open up a bank account in your own name. You say you've never needed to ask for money, which is one good thing. Start squirrelling away as much as you can without attracting too much notice and put it in that bank account so that you have an emergency fund to tide you over when you leave. Ideally, you'll be able to build up enough to fund a deposit and first month's rent on your own place, plus enough to live on for the first few weeks until you are able to make a claim for benefits which can tide you over until you've taken stock of your new situation and can start looking at employment or retraining opportunities. There are refuges and charities who can take you at short notice, but if you can leave with somewhere of your own to go to, it is significantly easier and less traumatic and will make you feel enormously empowered - a great vantage from which to start your new life.

Also start doing some research into family law. Your H may well skip the country and avoid paying maintenance. He may skip maintenance if he stays, too. Sadly we live in a country where he's unlikely to face consequences for that. However, you can ensure you remove the risk of him taking the DC out of the country by applying to the courts. There is lots of information on the internet about this.

Good luck.

Chances are you don't have the money to buy those books but you could order them at the library to read there? You'll definitely find them at the Freedom Programme (or at least the Lundy Bancroft) or Women's Aid.

Freedom Programme - find a course to see if there is a course near you. You can contact them via email and you can also do the course online but it's £10. Imo it is far better to do the course with others as you meet other ordinary (lovely, normal!) woman facing the same things.

The Freedom Programme is based on a small book (booklet really) written by Pat Craven called Living with the Dominator, which is widely available through eg women's orgs. You'd be able to order it from the FP site (not sure if you have to pay, or how much?) but, again, you'd probably be able to order it at the library to read there.