Hideously outing post so name changed obviously. (rants at bloody forgetting ridiculously long password and many attempts to change)
I don't know where to start. Sorry if I miss information or confuse things, i'm not intentionally drip feeding. Our relationship has been very poor for a few years as he has increasingly taken on a "world against him" attitude. It's permanent eggshells. It came to a head yesterday when for the first time there was a physical attack on me, A slap around the side of my head during a bicker (fairly hard, bit sore for an hour or two afterwards).
Our circumstances mean that we cannot separate immediately. However I did yell that we are over and I can not cope with this anymore. After a few hours apart he seemed remorseful and after a very one sided (him), self pitying conversation he said that he would change.
We have been together 7 years, 1 preschool child, not married. He lost his job 2 years ago and after a few weeks of half heartedly looking for a new job he stopped and fell into looking after our child as I could no longer afford childcare. He is a great father, there is no doubts there. So Issue 1 why we cannot part.
My job is not Mon-Fri. it is every day of the week, every hour of the day in various 8-12 hour combinations in 6 or 7 day stretches. I could not be a single parent with these hours. I have no family within a 100 mile radius, not paid high enough to have a nanny. so Issue 2 is I would need a new Job in order to find childcare.
Financially I deal with all matters. He had a lot of debt and was very poor with money when we met. He used to hide final reminders because he didn't want to pay them and had already spent his money on Man toys. I pay for all aspects of our House (my name only, i'm not daft), bills, car (his), all furnishings, all child expenses. He has an "allowance" for his own spending on luxuries, not a lot £30 -50 a month but it is all that I can afford. All food, Clothing is paid directly by me.
To split I would have to have change my entire life. I would leave my Job that I have worked hard at. I would barely be able to afford childcare, would be no hope of maintenance from him with no job.
He is vile now but he wasn't always like this. We were so close, best friends. He was confident, kind, motivated. There are still days when he is this man again. I just want him to change back and be the person who he was. The person who I gave my everything to. I want the old him back. can it be done?
He is currently writing me a letter. He wants to discuss all of the unfinished discussions and explain himself. He prefers to write things down. I fear that it will be yet more self pity and blaming the universe and all in it, rather than taking some ownership. But what if he answers the questions and sheds some light on the hell that I have been living with.
I'm so confused. I need to see what this letter says before i make any choices.