Tell people about separation

[torontonian]

Dear mumsnetters,

My husband asked for a separation/divorce three weeks ago. He moved to the basement temporarily, for a "transition time" as there are two kids involved (DS 2 years old, DD 3 months).

He was talking about our marital problems to several friends (and acquaintances) but he has not told anyone about the separation yet.

From my group of daycare moms I told two of them. One of the moms was the "platonic OW"? After giving her the benefit of the doubt I just didn't feel I could trust her (she wanted to be my confident) and I said thank you but no. She took it badly saying I was blaming her for my problems (oh my dear, if I did, do you think I would be talking to you?). In plain words, I think that she wanted to make me look crazy in front of the other moms because she knew this situation would create a drift between us.
I told mom #2. She was appalled just with the part of excessive messaging, let alone meeting for coffee behind my back. She feels very strongly about it, thinks she crossed the line and can't look at her anymore. I think it is a bit drastic, but her decision. (I made clear that I don't think they are more than friends).

Today, I received a message from mom #3 saying that "OW" just told her about some marital problems I am having and offering support. What!? Is the OW's business to tell friends!?
I want to reply to her, but I don't really know what to say. I don't know how to approach the conversation with her since I am pretty upset at the OW for telling anybody and I assume she just didn't say "poor torontonian she is having a hard time", but "torontonian is blaming me for her problems and not our other friend is not even talking to me, how unfair!".
There is a couple of things in the message that make me think the OW was trying to reach her before I did given the reaction of mom #2. OW told me from her perspective, I am sure you have a different side of the story. I wanted to let you know she told me because I don't want you to think I am getting involved behind your back....

Maybe offer a chat over coffee? I need to thank her too for the offer of support, being transparent instead of playing fool, she told me I am lucky to be your friend...

It sounds a bit like you might be experiencing symptoms of anxiety - second guessing your own thoughts, cycling "what if" scenarios through your mind. This is natural, I think, what with the trigger - the separation. You might want to speak to a therapist and possibly get some short term anti-anxiety meds to get through this.

I had a similar trigger situation some years ago, and I wish that I understood back then that anxiety can pop up in one's life - it can help to understand where it is coming from, how it is playing out for you, and what you can do about it.
Best wishes.

If it were me then I would tell mum#3 what OW has been up to with your DH behind your back, I would also tell OW to wind her neck in and keep out of other peoples business.
Don't feel embarrassed to tell the truth, and don't allow others (OW and your stbxh) to put the blame on you.

Thanks for your comments. This time is being difficult for me, with 2 little kids and the emotional roller coaster around the birth of my youngest.
I think that I am holding up quite well, except when this OW comes to the scene, provoking conflict and upset. I told her off in an email, asked her to let me alone. She replied and nothing since then. Finally some peace... for a week.

She is not minding her own business and she is getting to me through other people. This is really making things a bit more stressful for me. I don't like conflict and she puts me in a confrontation scenario.

MotiSen I feel angry and anxious only when she appears. I honestly think that she is trying to wind me up and provoke some reaction. The fact that husband sides with her makes me fume as well.

I agree FelicityGubbins, I need to tell the full story. I didn't mention any names, only facts, with mom #2 until she asked me. I have been more respectful of OW's privacy than she is with mine, so I feel that she has put herself in the situation where I need to tell mom #3 what all this is about.

you need an ally and mom3 sounds like she will do. Def tell her your side of things and do not white wash the OW- who sounds like she has an iron in this fire. Your truth can only be told by you.

I was right about OW thinking I started a crusade against her. I wrote her off, then mom2 stopped talking to her and she assumed right away that it was because of me. "My story that I am selling very well". She was playing victim and was told that there is no persecutor Match point!

Concerned about how the other two moms spotted her as someone who attracts drama and I didn't. Maybe I didn't spend as much time with her or I am stupid.

Anyway, in laws visiting for Thanksgiving today and tomorrow and they don't know yet. I sat my husband and said he needs to start telling people. His decision, he facing it. But he is holding on me wanting to go to Spain. He doesn't want to tell his parents until I'm back. I don't have a ticket or a day, just the idea so he is just delaying...
I am trying to consider the outcome of telling them myself. If I wait, he will go to his parents (3h drive) for a weekend to tell them and I will have no input. And I will have to pretend the whole weekend and who knows till when.

Sorry, in laws visiting Saturday and Sunday, today is only Friday.

Ow sounds like she's enjoying this, she's creating her own little drama. She's going to find more people backing away from her when this comes out.

I'd just tell your inlaws, why should you spend a weekend pretending!

There's a lot about what your husband wants - and under the circumstances his preferences are irrelevant. Tell anyone you want to tell and seek support.

it sounds to me as if you oh is not fully committed one way or the other AND as if the ow is fanning the flames and pushing for him to leave.