Depressed (now ex) fiance

[RivieraKid]

I hope this is okay, but I found the relationship forum here after googling for help and all I've seen are really helpful and supportive people, so I thought I'd register to ask for myself.

To give some context, my ex and I were planning to move in together soon, and we were talking about name-changes after marriage, etc, just last month - and then last week he said that actually he'd been wondering if he should be in a relationship at all, for the last two months. He told me this over FB as well, which made me angry. Then he said that nothing mattered to him anymore, that on balance he 'thinks' he still loves me, but doesn't know how to be an adult (he's 26).

After telling me nothing mattered to him now he left the convo and I freaked out b/c he has self harmed very badly in the past and has a lot of scars, so I called him, and he was very abusive down the phone. He kept pushing me over and over again to agree with him that we should break up, and when I said that sounded a lot like he just didn't want to take responsibility for his own decision he called he said 'God, you're such a c**t' with real vitriol and I lost it and told him to get out of my house.

Fast forward to him saying over and over again how messed up he is and how he doesn't know if breaking up with me is a mistake. I can't get wednesday out of my head, it was like talking to another person. He's flipped out a couple of times like this before but usually hurt himself or broken something of his.

I don't know what to do. I feel I can't walk away from someone who's so depressed, even though he apparently checked out of the relationship months ago. What if he does something terrible to himself now I'm not there to look after him anymore?

Any insight/help much appreciated.

x

You are not responsible for him and his choices he makes.

You were not put on this earth to look after him; what makes you think that as well?. I would read up on co-dependency in relationships and see how much of that fits in with you.

Why do you also feel you cannot walk away; what you forget here is that the damage has already been done. Do not fall into the "sunken costs" fallacy, that simply causes people to make poor relationship decisions.

You and he need to be apart and stay apart.

If he really wants to harm himself then there is nothing you can do to prevent it. If you could care for him for 23 hours of the day, he could do something during the 24th.

I think the best that you can do, as a friend, is encourage him to seek the support of his doctor. If he threatens suicide and you're concerned, then call the police and report your worries.

That's all you can do.

Apart from that I think that you need to focus on you and your happiness.

I guess he's just always been so dependent on me to motivate him, or even just cook for him, I kind of got used to it...even though I have felt very resentful over that at times. When it comes to walking away, I know I'm not responsible for him but he has a way of twisting things to make needing time for myself an abandonment of him.

I would read up on co-dependency in relationships

Oh god I have just gone and done that. That is me/us. I don't even know how I've got here, I never used to be like this.

Now you know where 'here' is, you can navigate your way back to where you were before you emarked on this destructive relationship which, for you, is the equivalent of self-harming.

Walk away and don't look back. He survived before you came into his life and he'll doubtless do so long after you've left it.

If he should make threats to harm himself, or if you have any cause to suspect he has harmed himself, call the police or ambulance service and rely on trained professionals to take care of him because you'll destroy yourself if you continue to believe that you are solely responsible for his welfare.

Thank you guys.

Now he's being very cold and clinical saying 'I don't know why I've done this' but he obviously doesn't care much why either. We just spoke on the phone and he was at a birthday party having fun and when I was crying he just hung up.

It's like he's become a complete stranger in a week.

I suppose at least I found out he was jekyll and hyde before I married him. I don't want to offend anyone else with borderline personality but they do say devaluing people in an instant is something that can happen when you have that, which he does.

I'm sorry for posting so much but I'm so upset now after talking to him. I know it's stupid and naive in hindsight but I was so excited about marrying someone I thought loved me and wanted a future with me. I just wish I could stop crying.

You have to stop paying attention to his words and judge him by his actions. Cry and live through the emotions, it's healthier in the long run. Hold on to the facts that this won't last forever and one day you will be happy and thankful that this relationship ended.

I like your username, OP. You need to create your own Dove antidote before you end up in Silicone Hell.

You aren't beholden to him. He checked out of the relationship months ago, he's treating you badly, he's taking no responsibility for his decisions. If nothing else, he doesn't know whether or not he wants a relationship with you (which means he doesn't). Your life with him from here can go only downhill.

I've had depression and I know how real and devastating it is. But there is nothing in this for you, not now, not ever. You don't owe him. You dodged a bullet. Get out and get rid.

I'll smoke you a kipper.

I'll be back for breakfast.

(Thanks for making me giggle :))