Am i being a door-mat or a bitch??

[pigsinbutter]

i really need some advice. I am a working mother with 2 kids - my husband does not work and has not on and off for the last 5 years - he's not ill or depressed, but i think just demoralized. He does help in the house, but it's always a mess, nothing ever seems to get done, and the work search is totally not happening either (6 job applications in the last 18 months). I just don't know what to do anymore - am i letting him getting away with too much or being a cow and kicking him when he's down?

What is his excuse/reason for not applying for more jobs? Is he not claiming any benefits? (Can't be claiming JSA or he'd be on sanctions by now.)

Has he seen the doctor? He does actually sound low-level depressed. Do you think he wants to find work?

I wouldn't send him to the GP, I would send him to something like a local wellbeing service that offer self help etc. I know that it varies quite a bit, however near me it is called Healthy Minds. It sounds like he needs some confidence building, help with low motivation. If he won't do anything to change the situation, then you are being a door mat. If he tries and still can't, that is a different matter.

I don't think you are being a bitch. I would not be able to cope with it.

it's been five years now, same thing - he doesn't really try i don't think. i really do feel that if he were alone he would have to sort himself out - but because he's with me he can basically carry on doing nothing.
it really gets to me when i get home and the floor is dirty and the dishes not clean, and the kids have been parked in front of the tv and their bedrooms are a mess. but the more i say the more he seems to resent it, even if it's nicely put, trying really hard to not be nagging etc.

to be honest the hardest part is i just don't feel like i love him anymore - of course he's stuck in a rut, but has done so little to sort himself out - i just feel a bit sucked dry.

You're not obligated to stay with him
It would be hard for anyone to stay in love with a lazy freeloader who can't be bothered to look for work or do the housework and childcare properly

MIND do a Get Ready Step forward course for people getting back into work who have problems.

I think this is called... A cocklodger. If this was a new/recent thing I would give him a chance, but five years?!

He may be depressed but if that's the case he should seek help (via GP or a local service like the one PPs suggest). If he's not willing to seek help then he is frankly using it as an excuse and doesn't actually want to contribute towards supporting his family (whether through working or being a SAHD which by the way involves doing childcare and housework!)

I say this as someone who is unemployed, unmotivated and depressed... I am trying to get help and feel terrible for relying on DH. I try to keep up with chores even when I'm feeling awful. It's not fair otherwise. And it's only been like this for a few months, not five years - I like to think I wouldn't let it go on that long!

'but the more i say the more he seems to resent it, even if it's nicely put, trying really hard to not be nagging etc'

Nagging is just complaining that nobody is listening to. And you certainly have a right to complain! What does he expect - for you to be the housemaid and do absolutely everything for everyone?

A grown man does not 'help' around the house - we're talking about his mess and kids the same as they are yours. And if my partner was at home all the time and physically able, I would expect him to do most of the housework. I would be furious in your shoes. I suffer from depression myself and I have loads of sympathy for him if that is what's going on, but 5 years without working and doing nothing around the house is absolutely taking the piss.

Do you get anything nice out of your relationship with him?

The line between bitch and doormat isn't a thin one, you'd have to do a bloody good run up to get to the other side of either. Five years is a long time for you to putting up with shit and only thing the softly, softly approach has guaranteed, is you losing respect for him.

It's time to decide, do you want to be with him even if he did a 180?

Good grief! What is the point of this lazy knob man? If you don't unleash your inner bitch he's going to continue taking advantage of your generousity, your home will sink into ever more dirt and disrepair, and your dc will have square eyes little more to talk about than what's on the telly.

It's time for you to grow a pair and tell him to shape or ship out. Five years of his shit?? I'm surprised he's not under the patio.

to be clear i have let my inner bitch out, and demanded better...frequently. we have kids though, who are really happy and well settled. so that's what it comes down to.
guess it's helpful to know that there are a lot of women out there who would have walked years ago.

How old are your children?

Could this possibly be a reverse thread?

9 and 12. like i said, happy and well adjusted. we never fight in front of them but they must sense my disappointment.
am really worried that it's now rubbing off on my son - he's a bright kid but a bit of a tendency to laziness.

what's a reverse thread hugoagogo?

to be clear i have let my inner bitch out, and demanded better...frequently

Telling someone that you don't want to carry them why they make absolutely no effort, is far from being a bitch (we must be referencing different dictionaries).

Stop parenting him and start treating him like an adult who has responsibilities. At the end of the day, you've let him treat you this way for far too long and Christ only know what lessons your unbalanced and dysfunctional relationship is teaching your children.