Arggghhhh!!!

[Toocruelforschool]

Apologies in advance if I sound shallow in this post...

I have been with my DP for 3 years (on and off) and we have two beautiful children together (ages 2 and 4 weeks). We are both young, 26 and 27 (28 next month) not married. DP has been suffering from erectile dysfunction for a while now, I would say for half of our relationship maybe. I said I would stand by him, which I still intend to do, but the situation is really getting me down.

We have not been intimate since December when our daughter was conceived (we split up shortly after and reconciled a couple months ago) and to put it bluntly, I miss sex! Or just intimacy in general. I feel the spark has gone in our relationship, not just because of the lack of sex but we no longer kiss and cuddle, the only time we kiss is when DP is leaving or returning from work. I don't remember the last time we had a proper cuddle.

We had tried to have sex a month ago, but failed, and DP said he doesn't want to try having sex or foreplay until the problem is solved. I completely understand this and as I wanted to be supportive I agreed with him, and respected his wishes.

We previously discussed DP going to speak to his GP which he had done recently and is being put on the waiting list for sex counselling, we have yet to hear anything. We also discussed recently DP going for private sex therapy sessions, but as they are quite pricey and DP does not earn a lot AND the fact we had just had a baby, I didn't feel it was the right time to go ahead with it.

I'm just feeling really down about it all and I love my partner very much but I'm starting to feel stuck. I don't want to masturbate as I feel it does not give me the same pleasure. I don't want to sound shallow but I don't really know where to go from here...

Thanks for reading x

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm not surprised you feel down and at sea. My husband is facing an operation to remove his prostate due to cancer and erectile dysfunction is a likely outcome. It's scary isn't it? not just because of the physical need for sex, but because sex is also a "glue" in a relationship, and if/when a man is faced with erection problems, he will often want to hide from it (so I've read) and this can mean kisses and cuddles disappear in his effort to not be reminded of the difficulties.

I'm sorry I have no advice, this is ahead of us rather than going on right now, but knowing how concerned (and scared) I already feel, so I empathise completely and didn't want you to feel no one was reading or caring.

Is he on any medication that might affect this or does he have anything troubling him?

Won't even try foreplay anymore!! How are you meant to progress or indeed maintain a loving and intimate relationship, if touching is off the agenda? I doubt that agreeing with him on that will help matters and most likely set you back.
It's not a great attitude he has in that, as he can't maintain an erection, you get nothing at all. You and he need to address that, at the moment he is being very unfair to you, and there is no excuse to not show affection towards someone you love. Take PIV off agenda by all means, but everything else should still apply.
Sounds like he may have deep psychological reasons as to why he wants to cut off all intimacy, it's not just a physical ED, the rest is lead by him.

Yes I agree, maybe not just physical.

Thanks for replying. Well he didn't actually say no more foreplay but this is how I'm taking it as nothing has been initiated whatsoever since we last tried, and I'm 'scared' to initiate anything just incase I make him feel uncomfortable. I think he is fine with the way things are as he hasn't mentioned anything about foreplay or anything else. I've never been in this situation before so I don't know how to take this. It's making me fantasise about sleeping with other guys, which I know is so wrong. I just feel so lost.

Have you asked him if anything is troubling him. Maybe encourage him to talk. Maybe say, "If there's anything bothering you, work, money etc, then I'm here for you".

Could he be gay?

Presumably if DC is only 4 weeks old and you last tried to have sex a month ago were you heavily pregnant? Do you think it was to do with worries regarding that?

Love - I had asked him previously and he didn't say that anything was bothering him, but we did talk yesterday and he admitted he was stressed and we spoke about it which was good. I always tell him that I'm here for him even in light of this situation.

Only - That did cross my mind but I don't think so as we had sex when I was heavily pregnant with our first child, and this time round I was relatively smaller.