Lost at what to do.. advice needed please!!? Previous post

[mollya94]

I have posted this yesterday however I need as much advice as I can on what to do ... think P knows something is up as iv been acting distant and has been really loving which is of course making me feel awful, planning on staying at my mams for the weekend to get out of the house and of course away from his ids (please read on about situation)...

End of October 2014 I was in an alright relationship it had its ups and downs as any relationship would but I loved and respected him 100% (lets name him C).
end of October my work friend got moved offices (lets name him P) and to be honest I missed having him in the same office as we were always friendly and chatted on.
one day we were talking a little more than usual over Facebook and to be honest I think I liked the attention of someone else talking to me and showing an interest as C wasn't at the time.
after a while of chatting to P one thing led to another which resulted in a one night stand, I never told C this however told him I had been round to his house etc.
eventually me and C broke up, although he wanted to try and get back together I ended it as his trust was gone completely which I of course understood and took the blame for 100%
me and P got together in the December and were very close at the beginning everything was great it was the perfect relationship and to be honest I think it eased the blow of ending a 4 year relationship with C.
I knew when we got together P is 35 where as I'm 21 and he has 3 kids (8, 9 and 13) which he looks after Wednesday evenings overnight, takes them to school every Thursday morning and has them every weekend (picks them up from mothers Saturday morning 9am and doesn't drop them off until Sunday 6pm)
we both work full time 9am-5pm Monday to Friday and P has a second job delivering which he works two days a week Thursday evenings and Friday evenings 6pm - 9pm approx.
A little while ago I suggested changing to alternative weekends having the kids and when that was suggested to the mother she said point blank no and weekends were 'her time' to have with her husband bearing in mind she works part time in morning when kids are at school and the husband works part time too.
We moved in together in July 2015 and I originally thought it would be fine I wouldn't mind having the kids so much if we spent all of our time together and lived together however with us working we don't really get lots of time together (Monday and Tuesday nights at most as he is occupied the rest of the time) so now I’ve moved in with him in a 3 bed house as obviously he needed the extra space and I can’t help but think if I don't get out now I'm setting myself up for a unhappy life where I'm taking on someone else's kids, someone else's debt because the mother left him in tons of debt and I'm not going to have the life I deserve.
I do love him 100% but this is really taking its toll on us and I'm not sure how to even bring it up that my life isn't going the direction I want it.
Recently C has also announced he is expecting a baby with someone end of this year so she must have got pregnant in March and I think its just because I am unhappy with my current relationship that I cant help but think of what my life would be like if I stayed with C even though I was happy I think our relationship just needed a little work done to it.
I'm not sure if its fear of being alone and paranoia of what would happen to P if we did break up, before we met his life was so unhealthy he smoke and drank all the time and watched porn on a daily basis and that's all he did.
I shouldn't have had this relationship and not a day goes by where I don't regret this all but I'm so scared of leaving it and it makes so much harder that we've moved in together (the lease isn't up for another 3 months however I fully understand I will have to pay my half each month if I moved out).

regardless of all this P treats me wonderfully but I cannot accept the fact the kids and this situation will forever be in my life if I stayed, I don't bond with the kids I cant stand it when they're there and at weeks surely I deserve my time to be able to do things like go on trips, go shopping go to the cinemas etc all the things a 21 year old should do but were always having to rely on his mam or dad watching the kids as the mother will not have them on a weekend.
also I was brought up to do things like go to the park every weekend or the beach etc and the kids are at the age where the Playstation is the only thing they're interested in and they whinge when suggesting doing something with my family - they are also so rude and say things no child should at that age.

I need some advice on what to do and I need somebody else to tell me I'm not the one that's selfish here I just want to be happy.
Has anybody else been in a similar situation?
Please tell me what to do :(

I'm not sure why you've posted again, rather than returning to your previous thread? Normally when posters do that it's because they don't like the advice they previously got and want to try again, possibly hoping no-one will notice they've read the story before (You've mentioned your previous post so I assume it's not that).

What do you make of the advice you got yesterday?

You're 21 years old, you absolutely should be out having fun and living a regular life. You're only 8 years older than his oldest child. End things and don't look back. And particularly don't look back to the previous relationship, that ship's sailed - if he was right for you you wouldn't have cheated on him.

Cut it all loose - if I were you I would move city and have a fresh start somewhere else.

You are literally a year older than my daughter, she is off at University having the time of her life and doing things that 20 years olds should be doing at that time of life.
I think this is a lot of responsibility at your age but it all boils down to how much you love him, this is him, he comes with children and they will always come first. You either accept that your life with him will include the children or you take it down a notch, go back to dating him maybe and not live with him. Then his time with you will be exclusive.
Otherwise, put it down to experience, and move on. Don't settle for anything that doesn't make you happy.
You can't be with him and be resentful towards his children, they are a package.

You're 21 and started a relationship with a 35yo with 3 children, who you knew lived with him much of the time. You're not happy in the situation. You don't 'bond with' the children, and it doesn't sound like there's much respect either way. You already feel resentful about their mother. You feel that you 'deserve' to be going out as most 21yos do, no ties, no boring responsibilities etc. You're thinking back wistfully to a previous relationship. You're unhappy.

Really - what is stopping you from calling time on this relationship? You are very young, just get out and have fun, and you'll more than likely meet someone who is much more compatible with you.

A few weeks ago, there was a post of nearly an identical situation from a woman but she was nine years down the line. She was with a much older partner whose children spent every weekend with them. He worked shifts so she became the primary caregiver for his kids while working a full time job. At 29, she was writing full of regret for remaining in this situation.

I really don't feel you should be in a relationship with a man so much older. There is an unhealthy balance of power. You are young and just starting life. It is a time for you to have adventures - not be bogged down in the choices made by someone else. You are living your partner's life not your own.

If you stay in this relationship, you will make his children unhappy (it will become obvious to them that you can't stand them being there, however well you try to hide it), you will make yourself unhappy, always wondering if you made the right choice and being bitter about your lot, and you will make him unhappy, because it's not possible for a normal person to be happy in a relationship when their partner is fundamentally unhappy.

Everyone ends up unhappy. So why do it?

Staying because you're worried what will happen to him if you split is a really terrible reason. He's a grown man, it's his responsibility what happens to him. Even if he were to revert to the drinking, smoking porn addict thing, that's entirely his lookout, not yours.

Fear of being alone is understandable, but also irrational - you're 21, you have years and years and years to find someone who suits you. But you aren't going to do it stuck where you are.

You're not selfish, you're a young woman with her whole life ahead of her. It's important that you put yourself first.

Leave this fella and enjoy yourself.

You're not doing anyone, including yourself, any favours by staying in this relationship, are you?

I feel very sorry for his dc who must be aware that you resent every minute they spend with their df and who get palmed off onto their dgm so that you can hog the quality time they should be spending with him.

Given your track record it's only a matter of time before you alight on another man to move in with and as soon as that starts falling apart, you'll be looking back at your relationships with C and P and wondering what your life would have been like if you'd stayed with them... and so forth.

It's all very well wanting the life you feel you deserve but do spare a thought for those whose lives you're waltzing in and out of because you don't want to live alone, or because you believe you have to have 'a man' in your life to define you.

At 21 you should be living with a group of same age 'mates' and having a whale of a time; dating umpteen guys, going to gigs, having weekends away, holidays abroad, pursuing hobbies, and putting all thoughts of settling down with one man out of your head until you have a thorough understanding of yourself.

Your taste of what it's like to have your life restricted by dcs will hopefully have put you off having any of your own until you've experienced life to the full and won't feel resentful of having to forego your social/love life to meet their needs and it will be to your, and their, advantage if you build a career or find your true vocation before having a family.

Yes, you are selfish but at 21 that's to be expected and, when it comes to our personal lives, we rarely get what we want for ourselves if we continually roll over for others or stay in relationships that are past their sell by date.

Look for a flatshare, either mixed or with young women around your own age, and start enjoying the single state. You've got a long life ahead - make it a good one.