Can't let go...

[guineapigsarecute]

I'm in a ridiculous half-relationship with someone I dated for 2yrs. We broke up two months ago.

He wasn't, and isn't, a very nice person. There was hardly any affection, he wasn't at all loving - said he couldn't love anyone after his ExW left him. Lots of other things - drinking, too physical re sex, angry - the list goes on. Not sure why I loved him, but I really did.

Since we broke up we have still spent a lot of time together, with the odd kiss hello/goodbye. We've broken up before and got back together, but this time it feels different - I no longer expect hearts and flowers, I am resigned to the fact that whilst I love him, the relationship has changed and I just feel flat and sad that I will never be loved by him. I don't think I even want the old relationship back - it was painful, he had a lot of MH issues and I was permanently anxious because I never knew where I stood with him.

I'm doing so much for him now - picking up his DC from school, arranging parties for them, cooking treats etc and I just cannot bring myself to go NC.

I know that's what I need and what I should do.

But I look at friends who do OLD and know I could never do that. I just don't want to join clubs etc and I work in a very female dominated industry, so no men there at all.

I have so much love inside me; I sometimes feel I could burst with the need to be with someone. I have grown up DC and live alone.

So I persist in this stupid relationship because it's better for me than to have no one - he's not mean to me at all now, just quite casual towards me whilst I ladle on the affection - not really because I want him to give any back, more because I need an outlet.

I fantasize about telling him I'm fully over him - but I just can't walk away because I need to have someone 'special'. Yet I know he's not.

Don't really know what I'm asking, but thanks for reading if you've got this far xxx

It really isn't better for you than having no-one. You may not fancy online dating but at the moment your eyes are closed to the possibility of a healthy relationship found anywhere - the park, mutual friends, whatever.

This situation sounds both depressing and demeaning. You're basically following him around like an old dog, waiting for a quick pat on the head. You are lavishing all this love you have on someone who couldn't give a toss. Why not use some of it on yourself?

Work on your self esteem , and your confidence . Being a doormat is never going to feel good.
Get some energy , find a hobby join some groups .. give all your love to.good causes charity work .get our of your head tackle your depression. You wasting you time with him you know you are .
go and live a happy life

This situation sounds both depressing and demeaning. You're basically following him around like an old dog, waiting for a quick pat on the head. You are lavishing all this love you have on someone who couldn't give a toss.

^ This.

I know. I don't know why though. If he turned round tomorrow and said he had a change of heart and wanted a relationship, I wouldn't want it and can feel myself getting all anxious at the thought of it.

I'm so strong in my working life, yet I'm so weak here, I honestly hate what I've become.

I feel like he's broken me.

I know how you feel. But I did break free & go NC. It's awful & even 4 months on I still think about him constantly. But I know he wasn't good for me & in my own head I had that dog analogy, i.e I was sitting waiting for scraps of attention & affection that became less & less forthcoming. It was destroying my esteem & I walked around with a feeling of constant anxiety & panic. I'm now free of all that & am enjoying not feeling so anxious, despite missing what I thought was a good relationship (it wasn't!). Be brave!

And yet you're hanging around, so he can keep breaking you a bit more.

Do you know how this will end, if you don't get your shit together and go NC? He will meet someone else. And that person will not want you hanging around all the time playing pseudo-wife with his kids, and so he will go NC with you.

Please have the self-respect to get yourself out of this before that particular humiliation.

Do you find it helpful to read about theories? Somebody shared this free book recently sirpabs.ilahas.com/ebooks/Social%20Interactions/Intimate%20Connections%20-%20David%20Burns.pdf It's about loneliness and quite fascinating.

What you feel isn't love. It's habit and security and fear of an unknown future. That's all perfectly natural and understandable, but I think that you're starting to realise that actually a future without him is an opportunity and not something to be afraid of.

...more because I need an outlet...

Have you thought about any other possible outlets? (Even if only as a temporary measure.)

how is that better than OLD??

I agree, this isn't love. Habit, security, your sense of self has got too wrapped up in what he thinks,,, It's having had your self esteem battered and a fear of the unknown.

Good grief.
Pick your self-respect and self-esteem up off of the floor and walk away.
I honestly can't see that you get anything at all from this 'relationship'

There is nothing wrong with OLD you know.
Many people meet their future husbands and wives doing just this.
And you would be a prime candidate for it.

I do wonder what happened to you in previous relationships for you to think this is all you deserve and what you are OK to put up with.
NOTHING about this is OK.
Walk away - in fact run.

Go NC and get this arse out of your life.

Please please will you contact Womens Aid and enrol to do their Freedom Programme.

This half life is not good. You get one shot at this life and you are wasting it.

Sounds like a sweet deal for him, but there's nothing in it for you. You're picking his children up from school, cooking treats and organising parties for them? I suppose it's nice they have another female role model, but this stuff should really be being done by him or the children's mother.

Old habits are hard to break though aren't they? I think you understand that the healthiest way forward for you is to cut all contact. I hope you can find the strength to do so.

Thank you, everyone.

Yes, working class, old habits are hard to break and that's exactly what this is

I will read what you suggested Red, thanks

And I will try to gain the strength I need to break away. I know I need to.