Can't Forgive Myself. Any Advice?

[tennisgirl17]

Hey everyone,

I have a new username (completely forgot my old one).

Anyway, I'm sure I've posted about it before. I split with my partner about a year ago now. I wasn't very nice to her (yes, same sex!), the times when I should've been there for her I wasn't, I was jealous and impatient and should have loved being welcomed into her family the way I was, instead I just resented it. After a while, she quite rightly had enough and ended it. We moved out of our home and left it at that. She blocked my phone number and last time we spoke was by e-mail about six months ago. I still check it every day thinking she might message stupidly!

There's no qualms about it, I don't think I'm over it. But I do want to move on, she isn't coming back. My major problem is I can't forgive myself for how I behaved or how I was a girlfriend. I've got absolutely no idea why I behaved like I did with her as it's not me, I'm a genuinely good person and would do anything for anyone, but screwed that up big time. I had someone who loved me with all her heart and I was that bad she fell out of love with me.
I've met several people through online dating who could be potential dates yet after a couple of messages just let it peter out because I feel like I'm going to let the next person down just as much.

So you lovely people, have you any advice on how to forgive myself and get past being this horrible, resentful person I was, which totally isn't me and find someone new? My friends suggested sending her an e-mail apologising for all I did, but I don't think that'll work. It'll just leave me gutted I don't get a reply!

Apologising is no good, understanding why behaved that way is the best way to go. Be honest with yourself and maybe write down memories and events. When did it start? What was she really like (not the idealistic person she seems now) etc. Why did you behave the way you did? Then maybe you'll be able to put it to bed. Counselling also might be useful

I'd say it's time for counselling for yourself.

There are ways that you behaved in the relationship which caused pain to your partner and that you are ashamed of. You need to understand why you behaved like that and then you can work on making sure you don't in future.

We often repeat patterns from our parents' relationships in our own lives. I would look to that source first. But do this with a counsellor who can help you through it.

The first thing I feel you need to do is acknowledge that it was you who acted like that. Own it. You sum yourself up in absolutely glowing terms and I've no doubt you're lovely, but everyone has their flaws. Your last relationship highlighted some of your own flaws for you and it will be necessary to face them head-on in order to move on from them.

You need to give yourself permission to not be perfect and giving. Would you really do anything for anyone? That's very rare. Most of us are a bit more chequered.

And once you've accepted that we all make mistakes and have situations we regret and have learnt from, you need to accept that you too deserve a chance to try again.

You feel dreadful about how you behaved; you may do it again if you can't work out why. What were you afraid of? What were you so angry about? Looking back, was it an appropriate response? Looking forward, how might you check these responses and control your thinking in the future? This might be something to go through with a counsellor.

I've tried a counsellor, but didn't like the experience or feel I was getting anything from it.

Normally I'm a smart girl, I have a fantastic job, good family, friends, social life, play sports (hence the username) but just imploded for some unknown reason. To be fair, I wish there was a family tragedy, problem with my parents or some way to explain my behaviour but there isn't. I'm from a relatively normal, stable family. I'd certainly never repeat that behaviour again, all I want in my mind is to move on. I've met a girl on Tinder of all places who is the exact opposite of my now ex, I want to meet her and I want to date her, but I worry unnecessarily I'll do the same thing again. Which is silly as I know I won't.

You can't say you won't behave badly given that you're quite capable of doing so. Are you going to do some soul searching? Are you willing to see you are imperfect? If not, you'll repeat your behaviours. And no family or childhood is normal. There's some crap in everyone's past, more for some than others

I've done a lot of soul searching, and I don't proclaim myself to be absolutely amazing, I think people are misinterpreting my original post. I do know however that my behaviour was abnormal for me and not how I've acted in any relationship before that. I am imperfect hence my behaviour.

I think to say that no family or childhood is normal is rather offensive. There wasn't anything that stands out from my childhood as something that would help define how I was as an adult. My parents are good people, they're together after 30-odd years, I have siblings, Grandparents, never bullied, never had any sort of family tragedy. So no, there isn't any 'crap' in my family or childhood.

Fine then, I'm not quite sure why you're posting. You clearly don't understand why you did what you did. There are people here who happen to know that this does make it more likely you'll repeat the behaviour. You're sure you won't. Fair enough. But you can't forgive yourself...and you worry that you will do it to the next person (from your OP). That is not an irrational fear so it would be stupid of anyone to try to dispel it for you.

Everyone has reasons for why they act as they do. There will be a reason. Even the most positive lives contain negative elements. If you could explain why you've acted as you have, it would be easier to believe that your life is the one example of a purely positive existence. Your tennis playing, successful work/social life hasn't got anything to do with it.

I really don't think you want what this thread might offer you. Which is fine.

Counsellors are like shoes; you need to find a good fit.

You are still obsessing over this a year later; that alone is reason to seek counselling.

Was she really the one for you? I had a wonderful boyfriend. Absolutely wonderful. He ticked so many boxes. I know he was faithful and would have always been so. He was hardworking and decent. Very attractive. Nothing not to like at all. But I screwed it all up. I wasn't unfaithful but I was snippy. Dissatisfied (he never wanted to go anywhere just work and home)
The krux of it that he wasn't the man for me. The relationship went on for far too long when I should have set him free sooner. Yet I lamented the loss of him ffor years after because he was so lovely and I went through a few shitty relationships after we split. I often used to want to ring him to say sorry for being such a bitch.
But whats done is done

no family is without its bogies. Not saying families are good or bad, just that families have 'stuff'.

Something happened with this girl and you are horrified and ashamed you behaved the way you did - but you have no idea why you did, which makes it likely you'll do it again.

Agree that counselling is the way to go, a Sherlock exercise. Why didn't you get on with counseling btw, what was it about it you didn't like?

You've mentioned being 'jealous and impatient'. What were you jealous of and impatient about?

Was she the first woman you've lived with? If not, why did your previous live-in relationship(s) end?

Thank you, I do appreciate all of the advice. To be honest the counsellor just sat and listened and didn't utter a word last time. So I did feel like I was paying money to talk to myself! And now I have the notion in my head that is what it's like...thank you for the suggestion to try a different one.

I'm of exactly the same mentality of what is done is done, but I can't get past what I did or find a reason as to why I did what I did. Which is strange even by my standards!

She was indeed the first person I've ever lived with. At the start when we first met and up until we moved in we spent all of our time together, and had a couple of nights a week apart doing our own things.

When we moved in she shifted that to every night we were apart, more so her out doing something without me and then I got an hour of her time before we went to sleep. Date nights were replaced by visiting her parents together or family. So I grew resentful that I was getting the raw end of the deal. I was doing the same as I always had...out doing my own thing a few nights a week and then wanting to spend time together. Sometimes it clashed, but it would've been nice to have a couple of days or a weekend day together! We talked and talked about it and did spend more time together for a while but then eventually everything else took over again and it was back to that routine. So, I knew we were both unhappy, we wanted different things and that is why she broke up with me.

more so her out doing something without me and then I got an hour of her time before we went to sleep. Date nights were replaced by visiting her parents together or family. So I grew resentful that I was getting the raw end of the deal.

I'm not surprised you felt resentful then! You were getting the raw end of the deal!

Ah ok.. now you have explained more.. we all know that being arsey and resentful is the wrong way to go but it doesn't sound like it was healthy?

It sounds like you were making reasonable requests that weren't being met. That in itself is enough to make anyone huffy. Perhaps she is conflict-averse and dealt with your moods (and her guilt) by avoiding the issue a bit. Perhaps she wasn't ready for a relationship and was only discovering that herself. Perhaps her approach to life is very social, very active, and she simply didn't have the need for the partner time - some men seem to be like this and they make a big effort for 'courtship' because it's seen as a temporary state. Perhaps you felt unattractive and unwanted and blamed her for causing you to feel scared and angry as a result.

Nobody but you can know. These are just ideas.

I don't think the relationship really sounds the way you made it sound in the OP - where she was perfect and you were just horrid to her. It sounds like it wasn't working and you were passive aggressive while she was just...passive!

Oh your previous counsellor sounds rubbish! I had one like that once, she was as much use as a chocolate fire guard and it did really put me off counselling for a while. But when you choose someone who's got the right approach for you, you will know, and it will be such a relief. A good counsellor will validate your feelings - not to say you were/are right about everything, but to acknowledge that you have those feelings and explore the reasons why. And s/he will work with you on strategies to set more appropriate boundaries and different methods of reaction in future.

That said it doesn't sound like you got much out of your relationship and I'm not surprised that you felt resentful, it's just that you didn't handle it in. A constructive way. If I am living with someone then I expect to be spending my evenings and weekends with them the majority of the time. Sure you don't want to be joined at the hip but it is not an unreasonable expectation to want time with your partner!

In fairness, it sounds like you did get the raw end of the deal!

You weren't a good match. It happens. Sometimes people bring out the worst in each other.

She doesn't sound as wonderful as you think, tbh. You were her partner. You should have been her priority.

Sperate interests = fine. Healthy, even.

Suddenly going from a good relationship with quality time together to being an afterthought = not fine.

Maybe don't be so hard on yourself!