I have broken off unhealthy relationship but something is pulling me back

[gottogetthroughthis]

I have tried and successfully stayed away from unhealthy guy but madness in my head is telling me he could change. He might listen. Please help me.

I've done this and it did not end well. I wanted to go back to him because of the attraction I had to him. In my case, the man was sexually coercive and abusive and he played horrible head games etc. I have come to the point where I see him as someone very disordered and potentially dangerous. Be very careful.

What is it about him that is 'unhealthy' if you don't mind me asking.

People very rarely change.

That dynamic is extremely seductive so don't beat yourself about being fatally drawn.

Just don't go there.

Think about what you want: a lovely, nurturing, easy relationship; no stress. You're not going to get that with him. You'll get run ragged and reaaaally hurt - probably over and over again.

I'm just out of an emotionally abusive relationship and fighting the urge to just go back. I won't though. Not this time. Don't do it, you won't be doing yourself any favours. He won't change, they never do. You'll only have to go through this again some where down the line.

My sister did go back, he did change... for 3 months then whamo back to normal.

That's it I know and you're all right he will never change and always lie to his family and friends that it is me the deranged one. I am deranged in that I think it may work, that he has had enough time to realise.

I just suddenly get hit with lonely feelings out of the blue, like right now.

He also played mind games all the time or otherwise drenched me in over the top affection/attention. It was all imbalanced. I miss his family and the seaside town I would take my son to.

I wanted to phone him on unknown but that would be just obvious and a dangerous thing to do.

I feel sick, angry and depressed that I miss him.

Sorry and hug for those who have been or are going through similar situation.

I even filled my house with 3 really pleasant lodgers so I would not feel alone but scarily I do. I absolutely hate myself for feeling this.

I really feel like my mind is in a total mess.

Bodenbiscuit how long before you broke up did you then o back. How long did it take you to realise it was not ever going to be ok?

Just wish I could get to this point.

Have you blocked him in all ways? Ime I have found no contact so hard until I did this. I feel for you because it is torture

I took him off phone except for w app which I blocked.

I am waiting to get new phone incl new no by end of this month.

Should I literally throw his nos/address out of my life. I also never gave him my email address as I always thought this was not a good relationship.

I can only describe what I am feeling as though I have taken a drug of some sort and am serious withdrawals. My body feels jumpy with anxiety and yet he was a complete and utter s##t to me.

Google "limerence". It is very strong, like an addiction, and only going cold turkey, and staying away, will break the attraction.

What you need are distractions. Things to do when you're tempted to get in touch. Things to work on when you're thinking about him too much. I recommend throwing yourself into hobbies, socialising, sports, physical labour (clean your house! do garden work!) .... basically anything to keep your hands and mind busy.

It will pass. You'll look back and wonder what you ever saw in him. But right now you need to block him completely, and keep yourself busy busy busy with other things.

feeling as though I have taken a drug of some sort and am serious withdrawals. My body feels jumpy with anxiety

Yes! That's exactly it.

When I left m abusive ex I literally shook, couldn't sleep etc etc. JUST like coming off a drug (I assume).

the great thing is - it passes. hold on for it to pass. it was bad for about a week/10 days/2 weeks.

While you're twiddling your thumbs, have a look at the Freedom Programme. Sign up, go to the groups

Thanks so much. Just relating to my withdrawals is some peace to me.

In 2weeks from now a freedom program starts and I am going.

I also have signed up for a volunteering job on a weekend a month when my son is not with me and with father.

Stay strong, you can do it

Best advice I've had? Never go back. Trust the you that made that decision. Move forward.

It's crazy as I have really good periods of inner strength that I managed to successfully leave this man and he won't really be able to ever be part of my life again then suddenly from out of the blue these strong feelings come back for this awful man.

It is draining. I wish I could have memory loss from min I met him to when I walked away.

I do have to trust my instincts, something I don't often do.

Yes! Well done! That's self-preservation right there. Bravo old girl

It is an addiction imo, hence being swamped with feelings out of the blue. Sigh.

He is dangerous, tho, and you simply can't go near this siren - dashed on the rocks scenario. I mean nasty dangerous not exciting dangerous, mind.

Are you having therapy? Did you say you are doing the Freedom Programme? I think you're going to have to really attack this from all sides bcs imo it does indicate history of some kind, the usual childhood stuff (t-shirt).

Well done, give yourself a medal

Thanks.

It's scary in that he portrays himself fully to work , old school friends and general people around him and family as a really nice kind caring and wait for this simple man. He is was a mind playing, calculating, gold digging creep. He had an unhealthy sex addiction which he would call being totally in love with me.

I am angry at times at myself as there was a few months in the beginning and patches through relationship that I believed his façade and that I still sometimes question whether it was me. I know 100% I was right but it's just this clouded misery he's left in my head which I just want to disappear with I hope continual total abstinence from him.

That is so especially true for my actions........the fantasy of rescuing him.

I have had that pattern in most of the troubled men I have been drawn to, incl my young child's father.

I do live in this fantasy ever after fairy tale syndrome. I need to be more aware of myself when I am in those mind spaces.

Have a look at codependency - Google CoDA and have a read. Stick with it bcs it may take time to sink in - or you may immediately recognise it.

Also have a look at Melanie Tonia Evans who specialises in narcissistic abuse recovery.

I married my sweet, kind, caring, lovable, utterly adorable terrifying abuser, my dear, so pat yourself on the back you didn't get that far.

He had a terrible childhood, right?

Thanks Sdaffs. I have a toddler who as had a happy childhood and I this is why I can't afford to let my choice of man in our lives.

I think for he first time in my life I have to learn about myself and why I choose these problem ridden relationships and not be scared to be on my own.

Sometimes you hear a mother say she has lost a good part of her identity since having a child/ren. I strongly feel I had no identity of who i was, where I was from and learnt what I picked up from random people when growing up right up to still now.I guess I am still confused and still don't know myself. Not sure if I am making any sense in my writing. I do know since becoming a mother I am a stronger person and my instincts have become stronger and I actually listen to them a lot more.

You're making complete sense. Are you booked in for counselling? It's good to work on this stuff with a professional otherwise we can sometimes get more muddled. Can you access some counseling? (I'm not suggesting you're in a bad way though! Just that these life events can highlight something that needs a bit of attention)

Cbt might help change your thought pattern.

Also be careful of the 6 month urge. I know it sounds cliché but getting out and making a new life for yourself that you love will be the only way to get over it. Stop looking at your ex to make you happy and look.at yourself.