No more kids please....!

[SajStars]

Good afternoon everyone, i hope you are all well.

Long story short, me & wife have been married for 15 years. No major dramas in our releationship had a few up and downs but again nothing to say we were not happy with each other. We are both well educated and both our boys (7, 13) are heading towards decent futures.

Wife has been asking for a third child for a number of years and has recently stepped up the asking, we are both heading towards 40 and i am not sure i want to be dealing with nappies and pushchairs when i could be running marathons or taking part in a sportive (cycling event).

If you would like more details, please do ask, however i am trying to ask if anymore could think of any alternatives or offer a solution. I would be happy to adopt a child but every time i suggest it i get shot down. The reason why it is in relationships because it does seem to be (in the background) causing alot of anguish which at this stage seems difficult to resolve.

Thank you for reading.

This is one of those horrible situations in which you both have completely valid feelings, no one is being unreasonable, but you can't both have what you want. One of you has to give in, and go with what the other wants, or you have to separate.

DH and I had a similar problem, although we only have one child. We did an awful lot of talking about it, and he did eventually agree to try for a second child. We tried for two years, with no luck, until it got to the point where so much time had passed, DH really didn't feel he could go back to the baby stage.

It ended up with him having the snip, against my wishes. I hated him for it at the time, and did consider leaving, but now, a few more years down the line I think he actually did the right thing. He took away the possibility, which left me in a position, where I could choose to either stay and accept no more DC, or leave and try to have them with someone else. It has meant I have been able to move on, and make the most of what I do have.

I am not for one minute saying that is what you should do, as it could well be the end of the relationship. I would say though, in my experience, the worst bit by far was the years of hanging on, hoping that one day it might happen. That truly was torture, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So you get to opt out of family life with your marathons and cycling events, what does your wife get out of that?

Surely if you are out of the house doing all of the above then the baby/small child stage of a third child will pass you by??

Surely if you are out of the house doing all of the above then the baby/small child stage of a third child will pass you by

I think youre missing the point! He wants to do all that stuff but being a decent father would mean he wouldnt if he were to have another child!

So you get to opt out of family life with your marathons and cycling events, what does your wife get out of that?

he has hobbies, there is nothing to suggest his wife doesnt or couldnt as well.

Sorry Surlycue but from my reading of the situation he has said to his wife for a 'number of years' that he didn't want a baby at that time - bearing in mind there is a gap of 6 years between the ages of his boys - its not obvious that he didn't want another child at all. And he doesn't give any indication that he is a hands on/decent father either, no mention of taking them to sporting events or clubs etc just that they are 'heading towards decent futures'.

This sounds like a man who has planned his future on taking lots of time out to do his hobbies - which look like they take a lot of time away from the family - and hasn't actually talked to his wife about what she would like to do as a part of a couple and as part of a family.

This will not end well - all I can see is him getting what he wants and leaving his wife resentful that not only will she not have the third child she desperately wants but also that actually he will be out all the time with his hobbies - we all know from reading the relationship board that cycling and marathon running just absorb time away from everything and everyone else.

Sorry OP but I don't see this marriage lasting whatever stance you take - someone will have to 'give in' and then the other person will be left feeling resentful.

Sorry Surlycue but from my reading of the situation he has said to his wife for a 'number of years' that he didn't want a baby at that time - bearing in mind there is a gap of 6 years between the ages of his boys - its not obvious that he didn't want another child at all.

have you confused me with another poster? I didnt say anything about it being obvious he didnt want another child.

And he doesn't give any indication that he is a hands on/decent father either, no mention of taking them to sporting events or clubs etc just that they are 'heading towards decent futures'

1. i didnt say he indicated that he was a decent father. I said that being a decent father (which i assume he would like to be) means he wouldnt do all that stuff whilst having a small baby.
2. does he have to expressly indicate and back up with evidence that he is a decent parent? Really? Cant we just assume he is like we do with everyone else who posts here unless we get evidence to the contrary?

Also stop saying "sorry but" before your comments.

Sorry OP but I don't see this marriage lasting whatever stance you take - someone will have to 'give in' and then the other person will be left feeling resentful.

Really? I don't agree at all.

Couples disagree on all sorts of things and at some point someone has to "give in". That isn't usually a deal breaker if they talk through the options and reach an agreement.

Because you're the one saying no more kids, your wife of going to have to accept that or move on but if you talk it through that doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage. She might choose to walk away and try and have a baby alone but it doesn't automatically mean your marriage is over.

Hereweareagain wow! You've extrapolated a lot out of the OP's post! Where have you read that he isn't a decent father and that he doesn't take them out / support them / spend time with them. How do you know he doesn't take them to clubs? I mean, he hasn't said what he had for his tea - doesn't mean he didn't have any! He also hasn't said whether his wife has equally time consuming hobbies. Or how hands on she is. Don't make so amny assumptions

I think it is perfectly natural and reasonable, as your DC grow up, to think about (and look forward to!) times when you an do more of your own stuff as the kids get older and more independent.

EG. my kids are now old enough to be left for a couple of hours in the evenings so me and the BF are going to start ballroom dancing classes. If I had another baby that would go out of the window. Am I a selfish, bad parent, not sufficiently hands on because I want to do something for myself once a week? No! And neither is the OP just because hes a man

Not entirely sure that 'sorry but' are not allowed on mumsnet perhaps you could point me in the direction of that particular rule!

No he hasn't backed up any of his comments, and it looks like your assumptions are different from mine.

Not entirely sure that 'sorry but' are not allowed on mumsnet perhaps you could point me in the direction of that particular rule!

No rule. Its common sense. Youre not sorry (or else why go on ahead and say what you want to say anyway?) so why say it?

No he hasn't backed up any of his comments

Why on earth does he need to?

I say i am a parent but because i dont say i take my DC to football, martial arts, music, swimming, family fun days it must mean i'm not a decent parent? Really? Thats odd "logic".

I haven't made any assumptions. That's the whole point! I've read what he's said and not decided he's a terrible father and general bastard based on the little he's said. You're the one who has concluded he hasn't talked to his wife, he's a crap father, that there is some underlying reason (his fault) for the age gap, neglects his kids and is a crap dad. Not only that but he will get crapper and the marriage will end! Blimey!

Oh good old mumsnet

I haven't said he a crap/terrible father - just pointed out the only thing he said about his boys where their ages with a 6 year age gap and that they had a 'decent future'.

Never mentioned that it could be his fault for the age gap just pointed out that if thats how it worked for the first two then perhaps that is the gap his wife thinks, he thinks, is acceptable.

Surlycue mentioned being a 'decent father' I queried how she knew he was when, as above, all he mentioned was their ages and that they had decent futures.

This is what he said 'Wife has been asking for a third child for a number of years and has recently stepped up the asking, we are both heading towards 40 and i am not sure i want to be dealing with nappies and pushchairs when i could be running marathons or taking part in a sportive (cycling event)' I asked what his wife was getting out of that and if he carried on doing his hobbies how would a baby/small child get in the way?

My comments are still valid 'This sounds like a man who has planned his future on taking lots of time out to do his hobbies - which look like they take a lot of time away from the family - and hasn't actually talked to his wife about what she would like to do as a part of a couple and as part of a family.'

Anyone else wondering where the op is?

i am not sure i want to be dealing with nappies and pushchairs when i could be running marathons or taking part in a sportive (cycling event)

This^ tells you that he wouldnt^ be carrying on his hobbies if he had a small baby, which indicates to me he is at least aware enough to realise it would be the decent thing to do if you had a child. YOU are the one suggesting he will be carrying on with his hobbies and leaving his wife to it. He has indicated otherwise.

No it doesn't say he wouldn't it says 'not sure I want to'. I'm sure we all do things that we don't necessarily want to do.

He hasn't come back to the thread to reply to anyone, I queried 'So you get to opt out of family life with your marathons and cycling events, what does your wife get out of that?

Surely if you are out of the house doing all of the above then the baby/small child stage of a third child will pass you by??' He hasn't replied so we don't know what his intentions are, whether, as you think, he is a decent father and won't carry on his hobbies or whether he will.

Oh FFS

My feelings exactly!!

At least we agree on something

Hmm. Op drops a bomb then buggers off.

Hmmm indeed

Thank you for all your comments. Apologies if I lost the thread been busy with work. Let me see if I can answer some of your questions.

1. I am a very much hands-on farther. Football on Sat am, rugby on Sundays. Takeondo during the week. I usually look after the w/e. Various other activities such as library, zoo, homework, lego.

2. I wanted to adopt because I thought I could help socially. I want to put something into the local community and feel a little better about myself by helping someone have a better life.

3. Family activities are usually done on w/e afternoons including wife. Such as golf, restaurants, shopping, diy.

4. Running & cycling, gym are hobbies. I am reasonably proficient in them however nothing more than semi-pro.

5. Wife up and until recently has had a lack of activities. She seems to have picked up running, gym & Takeondo - which keeps her busy.

6. We do very much care about each other hence my first post.

7. Extra info - external family are usually large in numbers, however with having 2 boys I feel I can spend time with them, time with my wife and time to do the things I want. I worry that with more children I would have to limit my hobbies scarifying time against them to spend time with DC3. I am not prepared to simply fire & forget I am afraid.

I hope this helps. Please do ask if you would like to know anything.

"I wanted to adopt because I thought I could help socially. I want to put something into the local community and feel a little better about myself by helping someone have a better life."

This is the problem.

You seem to be saying you DO want another child, but not with your wife! You want to adopt to feel 'better about' yourself.

This is a real mixed message.

If you are happy to have a child then it is unkind not to have that child with your wife.

I think you are crazy if you think adopting a child is going to allow you to spend more time on your hobbies than having your own biological child would. The adoption process is lengthy and stressful and any child in the process is likely to have a lot of emotional baggage they need help to unpack and a lot of time and investment in growing their self esteem and confidence.

If you don't want any more children that's absolutely fine, you have two already and that's more than a lot of people but I wouldn't make this about adoption. That's likely to be what's confusing your wife.

I don't think it is unreasonable for OP to not want another child now if it would affect the lifestyle he and his family currently have. I am currently expecting DC2 and although am very excited, part of me is secretly looking forward to that time in a few years when I can start enjoying some of my own interests again.

You need to be absolutely straightforward and honest with your wife OP, if that is truly how you feel. It is absolutely your right to say no more children, as it would be her right to decide she can't accept it and perhaps end the relationship. It will be extremely difficult for both of you but you need to be crystal clear in your head and to her about what it is you want. Agree adoption is not really a compromise, either as a slightly "easier" option for your, or to fulfill her longing for another child.

Ok thanks everyone. I think you are correct in suggesting that perhaps adoption is not the answer. I would also agree that I should also drop it from any further suggestions.

:)

Thanks once again.