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Relationships

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Relationship advice? Very long story :(

11 replies

mollya94 · 05/10/2015 13:52

Okay where to start...

End of October 2014 I was in an alright relationship it had its ups and downs as any relationship would but I loved and respected him 100% (lets name him C).
end of October my work friend got moved offices (lets name him P) and to be honest I missed having him in the same office as we were always friendly and chatted on.
one day we were talking a little more than usual over Facebook and to be honest I think I liked the attention of someone else talking to me and showing an interest as C wasn't at the time.
after a while of chatting to P one thing led to another which resulted in a one night stand, I never told C this however told him I had been round to his house etc.
eventually me and C broke up, although he wanted to try and get back together I ended it as his trust was gone completely which I of course understood and took the blame for 100%
me and P got together in the December and were very close at the beginning everything was great it was the perfect relationship and to be honest I think it eased the blow of ending a 4 year relationship with C.
I knew when we got together P is 35 where as I'm 21 and he has 3 kids (8, 9 and 13) which he looks after Wednesday evenings overnight, takes them to school every Thursday morning and has them every weekend (picks them up from mothers Saturday morning 9am and doesn't drop them off until Sunday 6pm)
we both work full time 9am-5pm Monday to Friday and P has a second job delivering which he works two days a week Thursday evenings and Friday evenings 6pm - 9pm approx.
A little while ago I suggested changing to alternative weekends having the kids and when that was suggested to the mother she said point blank no and weekends were 'her time' to have with her husband bearing in mind she works part time in morning when kids are at school and the husband works part time too.
We moved in together in July 2015 and I originally thought it would be fine I wouldn't mind having the kids so much if we spent all of our time together and lived together however with us working we don't really get lots of time together (Monday and Tuesday nights at most as he is occupied the rest of the time) so now I’ve moved in with him in a 3 bed house as obviously he needed the extra space and I can’t help but think if I don't get out now I'm setting myself up for a unhappy life where I'm taking on someone else's kids, someone else's debt because the mother left him in tons of debt and I'm not going to have the life I deserve.
I do love him 100% but this is really taking its toll on us and I'm not sure how to even bring it up that my life isn't going the direction I want it.
Recently C has also announced he is expecting a baby with someone end of this year so she must have got pregnant in March and I think its just because I am unhappy with my current relationship that I cant help but think of what my life would be like if I stayed with C even though I was happy I think our relationship just needed a little work done to it.
I'm not sure if its fear of being alone and paranoia of what would happen to P if we did break up, before we met his life was so unhealthy he smoke and drank all the time and watched porn on a daily basis and that's all he did.
I shouldn't have had this relationship and not a day goes by where I don't regret this all but I'm so scared of leaving it and it makes so much harder that we've moved in together (the lease isn't up for another 3 months however I fully understand I will have to pay my half each month if I moved out).

regardless of all this P treats me wonderfully but I cannot accept the fact the kids and this situation will forever be in my life if I stayed, I don't bond with the kids I cant stand it when they're there and at weeks surely I deserve my time to be able to do things like go on trips, go shopping go to the cinemas etc all the things a 21 year old should do but were always having to rely on his mam or dad watching the kids as the mother will not have them on a weekend.
also I was brought up to do things like go to the park every weekend or the beach etc and the kids are at the age where the Playstation is the only thing they're interested in and they whinge when suggesting doing something with my family - they are also so rude and say things no child should at that age.

I need some advice on what to do and I need somebody else to tell me I'm not the one that's selfish here I just want to be happy.
Has anybody else been in a similar situation?
Please tell me what to do :(

OP posts:
fusspot66 · 05/10/2015 13:56

Move on. You're not ready for all this.

RNBrie · 05/10/2015 14:02

I agree. This isn't the relationship for you. Can you afford to move out and still pay your share of the rent (I am assuming not... but you could have family to go to?)

You are 21, you don't need the baggage of a ready made family. C wasn't right for you, and neither is P. Give yourself a chance to heal, be single for a while, hang out with your friends. You will meet someone who suits you much better.

WickedWax · 05/10/2015 14:04

You've basically been in a relationship since your late teens, you've never really been single, and without wanting to be mean, you sound really immature.

You talk about the 'life I deserve' and life not going in the direction you want it - well that life won't be handed to you on a plate, you'll only go in the direction you're pointing, and at the moment that's life as a step mother with all of the responsibilities that entails.

Leave this man, spend some time on your own doing 'all the things a 21 year old should do' while you grow up.

Tootsiepops · 05/10/2015 14:05

You are being selfish, but you should be at your age. I know I certainly could not have dealt with any of what you've described at 21...

LucySnow12 · 05/10/2015 14:09

Get out of this situation. You should be with someone your own age, enjoying being a carefree twenty something. Sorry but P and his wife sound horrid and I feel bad for their kids. Move out now and just pay towards the next three month's rent. I think it is an unhealthy relationship.

spanisharmada · 05/10/2015 14:14

Yes yes get out now, your just prolonging the torture by staying.
Chalk it up to experience and move on.

fearandloathinginambridge · 05/10/2015 14:16

Forget C and whatever is going on in his life, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. If you were meant to be with him and it was all fabulous you wouldn't have felt the need to have a ONS with P.

If you left P then whatever he does afterwards is his responsibility not yours. He can chose not to hit the bottle/porn channels if he wants, he's a big boy after all.

You on the other hand would benefit hugely from having some time on your own to develop your own interests, personality, friendships and confidence outside of a serious relationship. Stand alone and grow for a few years.

mrstweefromtweesville · 05/10/2015 14:17

You know you don't want this life and that loving this man isn't enough for you to give up your own hopes for the future. You're 21. Its not old enough to 'settle for what you can get'. Break free, and enjoy your life.

People might say you need time to 'grow up', but I think that recognising that a situation isn't right for you is a very mature thing to do, and very sensible.

MatrixReloaded · 05/10/2015 14:18

Your not selfish at all. You don't owe this man a relationship.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 05/10/2015 14:28

Why can't he give up his second job?

As you are now contributing to the household costs his overall outgoings will have dropped, also if he has cut down on smoking and drinking (I am assuming the porn was free-view) he will be spending less.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/10/2015 14:41

You are 21 FFS.
Get out there and enjoy yourself.
Be young, free and single for a while and see how you get on.
Honestly, this is NOT what you want or need in your young life right now.

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