Dilemma

[willievertrust]

Im in the middle of a dilemma at the moment. since splitting with my ex he has shown little or no interest in seeing our children. his parents live abroad and before we split i had a pretty good relationship with them. The reason things are no good now with his family is just before we split they got involved and i was cornered by 3 of them screaming and shouting and throwing unfounded insults about my family in front of the children (my ex and his dad were drunk). They went back home abroad soon after and ive had no contact since.

so my dilemma is this, i knew they were coming over as i heard through the grapevine and i assumed they would see the children with my ex but i got a text from them this week asking to see the children.

i dont want to be involved in arranging contact with them although i have no problem with them spending time together through there dad (the screaming and shouting and cornering me was a one off) but the children have said they dont want to go out with them and have brought up that argument many times when discussing there grandparents.

any advice welcomed, taking into consideration my childrens opinions i dont know what to do, i cant tell them the children dont want to see them.

sorry if this sounds all over the place, ive tried to just include relevant information

i was cornered by 3 of them screaming and shouting and throwing unfounded insults about my family in front of the children How frightening for you and your dcs.

the children have said they dont want to go out with them I don't blame them.

I cant tell them the children dont want to see them Why not? They have frightened your DCs and the DC's don't want to go out with them. You are not obliged to force your children to see them.

Could you text back and say This won't be possible as the children were frightened last time by your aggressive behaviour, and they have told me they don't want to see you. I will be respecting their wishes on this matter.

what she said

Thank you i know this is the right thing to do but just needed it confirming

Your in laws do not have a legal ight to see their GC

If you, as their mother, decide it isn't in their best interests then that is the end of the matter

If the kids themselves don't want to...it would be an even easier decision or me

*for me

legal *right

sorry for typos

Great, sorted.

Agree with everything pp said

So to be clear, there's no chance your ex will take them out to see his parents? Either in addition to this visit or in retaliation for them saying no? I would imagine that's the risk - you say no, he demands contact, you can't say no to that too, and your kids are now forced to spend time not only with people they don't like but who know they don't like them.

If you think there's a risk they will be made to see them anyway, I might reply to the effect that the children are still upset from the incident that happened when they last saw them. You would prefer it if the kids saw them with you present for a short period of time, and will expect an apology.

Otherwise I think just say no.

that was my issue tribpot, that is why its a tricky situation. ive blocked her number for the time being so she cant ring me but she could always turn up at the house or ring my home number. i just needed time to think things through. i just dont want a decision to be made that will make things more difficult in the future. i hate confrontation and dont think i could sit with them when they see the kids as i dont want to see them and an apology would mean nothing now.
if i refuse contact they may get on at my ex to see the kids more if i say no to them. he has so little interest its ridiculous. the kids notice his lack of interest too and have even questioned "does he still love us" i dont want to drag the process on of there dad being in and out of there life, he needs to make up his mind and stick to it.

The apology wouldn't be for your benefit, it would be for your kids. I agree it would be meaningless and they have behaved atrociously.

How often has your ex actually seen his kids? And how long are they in the country for, if he suddenly discovered a desire to see them could you fob him off for the duration of the visit, saying the kids already had plans?

he hasnt seen them in 3 weeks, he was initially seeing them to take them to the odd scheduled activity (football which he sat in the car for instead of supporting his son) and for tea one night at the weekend but he stopped asking me and was making plans more awkward , i tried to keep it up but felt like i was constantly chasing him to see the kids and it was hard work as he never gave me an answer until last minute and it was usually on his terms (he likes to fit it around his life not putting the children first) the last time he took them out he took another friend and his daughter who he gave more attention to than his own kids which prompted my little girl to ask me "does daddy likes her more than me."

the last time he was supposed to see them he told me on the last minute it had to be at a certain time for 2 hours (no flexibility), i asked if he could see them for 3 hours and he said "cant" so i asked when he was going to start putting the kids first and its more trouble than its worth for me to keep on at him so he said "fine then i wont see them" i was fuming and typed out a really long message to make myself feel better then i deleted it and just put "your loss" he never replied and has not see them since. he really is a tosser.

the message says they are here a few weeks so i suppose i can do my best to have plans.

"fine then i wont see them"

I would call that a result