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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

F@cking bastard - can anyone help with practical advise? Please!

25 replies

rosepepper2010 · 04/10/2015 19:50

I am so sick with worry can anyone help me with some practical advise.

I returned 3 months ago to the UK with my 2 children - now things have come to a head as my husband and it appears we are going down the divorce route.

My husband expected me to pay for the rent in our house (we were meant to be buying but we have pulled out now due to all our difficulties). He has so far hardly sent enough for us to live on with one excuse or another.

In 8 weeks I have to move out of the house.

He has now said I can live off my savings (which were from before i met him and what I had planned to put towards a house not talking a great deal of money) until January and then he will pay me the csa minimum.

He earns 10K per month tax free and is sending me from january 1300K per month.

Is he legally expected to put a roof over our heads?

I so wanted to get he children settled and happy and I am so upset I can't eat, think or sleep?

My poor children have had to move to a new country and now the unsettlement of all this.

How can he be such a bastard? Why can't he think of them even if he may hate me (which I don't know why he hates me)

His emails are barking mad, full of lies and contradictions.

Will he settle down?

Thanks for reading had planned to be short and concise.

TIA

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/10/2015 19:52

Which country is he resident in?

It's not looking good unless he is employed by a UK company tbh

Original poster
rosepepper2010 · 04/10/2015 19:57

He is in the middle east.

I know i am worried there is nothing i can do.

How can they be so cruel?

OP posts:
Alanna1 · 04/10/2015 19:57

I think you probably need legal advice - its not clear where your husband is based. Some messy separations have been sorted out when parents-in-law got involved but I'd talk with a lawyer first.

wannabestressfree · 04/10/2015 19:57

There are ways you can get maintenace paid from abroad. Who pays his wages? I did some digging when my ex husband worked abroad and improved his payments as he was paid by an American company and they weren't very happy.
If you are divorcing I would think about maintaining your or a property by yourself. Why are you moving out of the house now? Have you found something else? Yes he is being unkind but you need to move things on and keep contact official. Are you planning on working? Can you use your savings to find something you like and settle? Renting isn't the end of the world.....

Original poster
rosepepper2010 · 04/10/2015 19:59

I have spoken with his sister who is great and she is shocked and said she will speak to him.

His Dad is not a moralistic person and I suspect he may have syphoned (can't spell) all our money to his Dad as he now claims it's all gone.

My parents have tried to reason with him but he thinks he is being reasonable and doesn't see why he should pay anything whilst I have savings.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosepepper2010 · 04/10/2015 20:03

I don't mind renting I would stay in this house but I can't afford to as it's upkeep is quite a lot and he isn't giving me money so my savings are just going down and down.

As i say not talking a huge amount of money - just money form the sale of my flat 15 years ago when I got married.

My family are saying they will club together to get me a small flat but we are worried he will try to claim something of it.

If I keep renting my savings just going down.

Are fathers liable for putting a roof over their children's head or is it just a matter for their conscience?

OP posts:
Original poster
rosepepper2010 · 04/10/2015 20:06

I think his company is American or British.

He always goes on about their community conscience or something forgotten the word?

I will have to get a job and pronto but god knows what.

It was hard for women to get good jobs in M.E. and so I had my own business but it's nature wouldn't translate to the UK.

God knows what i'll do.

Thanks for all advise so far!!

OP posts:
Original poster
rosepepper2010 · 04/10/2015 20:08

sorry wannabestressfree but how did you chase the money from your husbands company? - thanks

OP posts:
Whoknewitcouldbeso · 04/10/2015 20:15

Could your family still club together to buy you a flat but put the flat in their name not yours? Then he won't be able to claim it as an asset in your divorce.

Funinthesun15 · 04/10/2015 20:19

Could your family still club together to buy you a flat but put the flat in their name not yours? Then he won't be able to claim it as an asset in your divorce.

Seek solid legal advice before doing anything like that.

Original poster
rosepepper2010 · 04/10/2015 20:25

yes but we are still worried - like funinthesun says I need legal advise.

Ironic that he has somehow disposed of all savings in the middle east denying they ever existed.

and I can't even put a roof over my chidlrens head without him trying to claim on it which i am sure he is going to try and do.

and if i keep on renting my savings are just going down and down and there is nothing i can do.

He in the meantime is having a gay old time on his 10K a month!!!!!

OP posts:
alicemalice · 04/10/2015 20:32

You need this...

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad/overview

There are reciprocal arrangements in certain countries to get child maintenance.

Original poster
rosepepper2010 · 04/10/2015 20:33

thanks alice

OP posts:
Joysmum · 04/10/2015 20:35

Also your solicitor can advise about getting a forensic accountant involved if you suspect he's hiding assets.

RandomMess · 04/10/2015 20:39

Perhaps go back out there and live in the marital home whilst you divorce him?

Original poster
rosepepper2010 · 04/10/2015 20:45

We don't have a home now - we had to give it up because it was too expensive. We only rented over there and because we couldn't afford it I came back to the UK with the children to try and make ends meet (not because I wanted to)

I think he is sofa surfing now, not because he doesn't have the money but as part of his 'poor me' tactics!!

Very dignified at 47!!! plus then he can tell everyone i'm back in the UK living the life of riley and he doesn't even have a roof over his head.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosepepper2010 · 04/10/2015 20:47

I may do that joys mum. It sounds bizarre but he said he won the lottery (not a huge amount) now he's denying he ever won.

Always bragging to anyone who would listen about his offshore accounts now reckons he hasn't got any??

Just such a liar!!

OP posts:
Original poster
rosepepper2010 · 04/10/2015 20:48

I think the problem I have though is getting any of it - nothing seems enforceable in the Middle East!!!

OP posts:
Fuckitfay · 04/10/2015 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nauticant · 04/10/2015 21:03

Perhaps go back out there and live in the marital home whilst you divorce him?

If the OP moves back out to the Middle East it will give the bastard the chance to force her to remain in that country for however long he lives there.

Original poster
rosepepper2010 · 04/10/2015 21:09

and most importantly my poor children who have lived their whole lives out in the middle east and leave their pets and friends everything!!!

They are just settling in back here despite it being very hard!!

I feel literally so ill.

My heart will not stop racing i feel like I am going to have a heart attack!! I can't sleep or eat I just feel so ill!!

OP posts:
Original poster
rosepepper2010 · 04/10/2015 21:10

I know I can't focus on him but i just don't understand how he can treat us like this?

What have I done wrong?

I contributed financially so we could stay out there and moved back here to relieve the financial pressure!

I just want to look after the children.\

Why doesn't he?

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 04/10/2015 21:12

Did you create a thread about your situation a couple of days ago as I seem to recall giving advice on the matters you've raised here?

DaemonPantalaemon · 04/10/2015 21:18

I also gave advice on the thread you started two days ago. I know you are in a stressful and difficult situation, but the advice won't change. Your situation will NOT be helped only by ranting on Mumsnet. You need to take practical action and the best way to do that is with the assistance of a solicitor. Good luck.

SouthWestmom · 04/10/2015 21:21

How could he earn 10,000 a month and you both couldn't afford a house/rent when together? Are there massive debts?
I would get going with claiming benefits, registering for work etc

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