Sent DH this email

[Bupbupbup]

Hello -background is - we have 2 ds. DS1 is 7 & DS2 is 8 months.

Live in Aus, 30 degrees today, DH working outside building all day. Invites next door for neighbourhood drinks tonight with 4 other couples.

Has previous form for not handling his drink, being the drunkest person of the group but hasn't done it in 2 years.

Happened again tonight, thankfully we came late so everyone was more merry do didn't notice. However he pissed me off when we came home, sent him following email. (Ps no details are identifiable, plus he or no one here knows mumsnet)

—-----

"It's 12.20am

I've just got both boys asleep.

You're asleep in the main bathroom.

We came home from next door two hours ago, Ds1 (7) and you talking downstairs

Fine, i came up to put Baby to sleep, 10 mins later Ds1 appeared at the door asking where you were. Ds1 said 'Dad was going to the bathroom then book and bed but I can't find him'

I went downstairs you were asleep on the downstairs toilet. Woke you and then I went upstairs.

You shouted at ds1 that you were now upstairs, he was playing a game on my phone so he asked you to wIt.

I went out, you were lying on the main bathroom floor puking, I tried to help, you called me a bitch and wouldn't let me close the door. I had Bsby in my arms.

I went downstairs to make him a bottle, ds1 came out, saw you asleep with the puke next to you, came down crying.

I told him you were exhausted after all your work today.

I have him in this bed, he fell asleep while I read a book but he's really worried about you, kept saying you said you were reading to him tonight and you should be able to be comfy in his bed with him. He's been crying saying 'I don't think he's comfy'

J I love you, you're a brilliant amazing dad usually, but things like this stick in 7 year old kids memories and unless explained can fuck them up.

I'm not writing this to make you feel bad, you prob feel bad enough already but I do need to let you know it's upset ds1 so he never has to see his Dad like that again.

I'd be a shit Mom if I thought this was ok for him to deal with. If he or baby ever see that or hear you talking to me like that again I'm gone.

We don't have to mention this or ever talk about it but please, please apologise or talk to Ds1 about it so he can make sense of it.

I love you, I wanna believe it was just - exhaustion from working ? no dinner ? sun ? lots of beers too quickly = you tonight......but seriously J, you should know yourself and what you can handle now you're 38.

I love you so much, I know this isn't you really but I can't say nothing and run the risk of boys seeing their Dad like tonight ever again.

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What do Ye think?

I love a drink too but I know I'm responsible for two kids so I take note of his drink is affecting me if u fall dunk sort it out.

What should I do tmro?

He had about 12 bottles over 4 hours

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

I can't abide drunks ad think you handled it well, probably a lot better than I would have.

Tomorrow - I think you'll have to wait and see what his reaction is to your e-mail and take it from there. Seriously though he's old enough and should now be grown up enough to work out that no dinner, long day in the sun and copious amounts of beer in a very short space of time is a very stupid thing to do.

How was he ever going to read and put and child to bed in that state? Poor kid.

We don't have to mention this or ever talk about it

Yes you do. It happened to you, too. You're entitled to talk about something like this that happened to you. If it had been the other way around do you think he would refrain from ever discussing it with you?

Yep agree you need avert serious chat about it.
The fact he has been careful for so long makes me thing it was really an 'accident' but YY about him telling something to his dc1 so he us not worried about him.

I know I wouldn't use email to communicate about that sort of subject. BUT email has the advantage to make your point across wo getting upset/angry if being stopped and the discussion to be about something else completely.
Maybe wait until the hangover is completely gone before talking to him.

Oh it is clearly a deal breaker for you. It comes out very xleat in your email. Because it's such a deal breaker for you, I would tell him face to face. It has to be clear both for you and for him so there is no risk of misunderstanding there.

I think you've handled it well. Email will be there today, tomorrow and the next day and will hopefully sink in when his hangover lifts.

Your wording is to the point and should make him realise - I hope for all your sakes that he does.

FWIW, only once I've been drunk infront of my children - the car journey home was terrible. I get travel sickness at the best of times but I was sick everywhere and I have never ever felt so ashamed of myself. It'll never happen again. Hope this is the same for you.

I think it's a good email. You couldn't tackle him while he's calling you names and behaving this way.

You do need to talk about this though, I hope he does come to you.

Alcohol is a cruel mistress and I would argue as well that your man is an alcoholic.

Tomorrow I would be looking to contact my local branch of Al-anon as they are helpful to family members of problem drinkers. Start opening up to others now properly; alcoholism thrives on secrecy.

Their website is as follows:-

www.al-anon.org/australia/

The 3cs re alcoholism are as follows:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

The e-mail you have sent him therefore may not make a jot of difference in the long run. He is not going to listen to that and he has likely heard similar from you before now.

Tell your spouse what will happen if he fails to seek help or stop drinking. Explain that this isn't a threat but a way to protect yourself from the consequences of alcohol. You can tell your spouse that you won't go to social events together, attend family dinners or even that you will move out. Never make fake threats though. If you are not prepared to walk out the door, don't say that's what will happen. Pretend threats won't help or have a positive effect on a spouse's alcoholism.

He still cannot handle his drink and it matters not that he has not done this for two years. Unless he properly addresses the root causes of the drinking to excess you can do nothing to help him. Also he does not want your help or support and he likely thinks he does not have an alcohol problem.

You need to look at your given role in all this too because you are playing out roles here. Your roles here have been enabler and provoker (you never forget).

Your eldest child is already all too aware that something is badly amiss here. Children who grow up with an alcoholic parent more often than not end up with a shed load of emotional problems that often transpire in adulthood. He could well turn to drink himself to escape from reality or problems.

And no he is not an amazing dad either. He is an alcoholic dad and they do not make for being a good parent let alone husband.

You have a choice re your H; your children do not.

You should have left him alone when he was in the bathroom. Drunks can never be reasoned with.

I sincerely hope you did not enable him further either by clearing up his mess. That was for him and he alone to deal with. He has to see that there are consequences for his actions.

Attila Don't you think it's a bit of a stretch to say that the bloke's an alcoholic because he has had too much on one evening (and for the first time in a couple of years).

Clearly, his behaviour has worried the OP due to its effect on her son and it needs addressing. However, sometimes people drink more than they can handle, without having a drinking "problem".

No-one likes to think or believe that their spouse or partner could have a drinking problem.

This in particular made me think that he has an ongoing problem with drink:-

"Has previous form for not handling his drink, being the drunkest person of the group but hasn't done it in 2 years"

His drinking is affecting the OP markedly as well and her son saw it; that in itself is a problem.

Thank you for replies.
I know it's better to speak face to face but I didn't want to do that last night when he was drunk or today when he's sick with a hangover.

I've been up with baby the last few hours, saw that DH has cleaned the bathroom and gone to sleep in the spare room.

I'm going to take the boys for breakfast and leave him to it.

These last two years he's switched to mid strength beer but was having full last night.

I don't think he's an alcoholic but his attitude is that every now and then everyone gets pissed like we did before kids whereas actually no, it's embarrassing and now has affected and upset our son, grow up.

To be fair, he rarely goes out with 'the lads' anymore and if he does he comes home fine, works really hard and shares housework and childcare equally. Takes boys out every wkend to give me a break.

I think you handled the situation perfectly. Has your DS(7) mentioned anything to you about it today? I hope that you & your children enjoyed a peaceful breakfast & things can be sorted quickly & moved on from later on today

(However, I'd like to add, that certain people seem to of completely jumped the gun on this thread. In no way whatsoever in any of the OPs posts would I call this man an alcoholic. I've grown up with both alcoholic parents & cannot see any correlation to what I have experienced & the above thread. (I am also aware that addiction can affect in so many different ways before I get told that). I too used to be a binge drinker - I was always the one to end up drunk the quickest, sometimes skipping meals to get drunker quicker, needing to be looked after, walked home & puking all over myself. It's gross. It's not sensible but it's just overdoing it & not being aware of how much one can handle; not an addiction. I have since slowed down, pick my drinks wisely, always eat before drinking & now know when to stop - without help from medication, AA or doctors)