My DD seems so angry and unhappy

[Helpmehelpherplease]

I'm so sad and worried about my DD. She has been married for over 10 years and has four children.
Unfortunately she hasn't been blessed with a sunny nature and has always had a temper. Her DH can match that and they've had a volatile relationship & although not seriously violent there's been some pushing on both sides.

While it was just the two of them I believed it was their business entirely but it has become increasingly difficult to ignore since the children have arrived & especially since the older two are definitely aware of it.

The atmosphere is awful at times and DD doesn't hold back in my or the children's presence. There's a lot of shouting, screaming and name calling, resulting in upset children. If I try to comfort them DD tells me I'm interfering but at the same time expects me to take her side against her DH who gets the blame for absolutely everything that goes wrong in the house.

I'm not suggesting for a minute that he's always the injured party, he keeps his temper around me but I do believe my DD when she describes his part in their fights.

I really don't know what to do or say. I'm on eggshells constantly (she can be really nasty to me too) but my main concern is the children.

Sadly I do believe that she is capable of stopping me from seeing them if she is angry enough.

Does she ever admit she has a problem, or is it always someone else's fault?

That's really awful. They desperately need some sort of therapy to learn with their feelings in a constructive manner.

Imperial to be honest she probably doesn't see that she has a problem.

I should add that she works full time and is always very stressed.

Do they both work full time? I can see that would be very stressful if both of them were out of the house and they had to care for four children, too. What happens if a child needs to be off school?

Yes they both work. They are lucky in that the children have been very healthy so far but on the odd occasion where they've had to be off either I or other GPs have covered child care.

The trouble is that you can't risk losing contact with her children, so she has you over a barrel, doesn't she?

Is it ever possible to have a calm conversation with her where you tell her you're worried about her anger? Would she just overreact?

My feeling would be that she would overreact and you're right, she does have me over a barrel

I'm not willing to risk losing contact with the children so perhaps there's nothing I can do but I feel for them all, especially my poor DD. Sometimes I feel that she's on the verge of a breakdown.
Thank you for your responses Imperial, you're very kind.

That's so hard for you, but as others have said, she's calling the shots and, at the moment, there's probably nothing you can do.
Until she asks for help or the situation totally breaks down, you can only be there for her.
At least you're a rock of stability for the children, which is a blessing.

Do you work? Is there anything you can do to relieve the pressure on her, eg have the kids one or two evenings a week and give them their tea? Just something to relieve the pressure, which is obviously one of the reasons she is having problems. I think all you can do is foster as good a relationship as you can with the children so that if they are unhappy they will confide in you. Awful situation for everyone, though.

Could you have your GC overnight to give her a break? Maybe she is just very stressed and needs some time out.

How old are the children?

I think I would go down the route of saying something along the lines of:

"You and your DH work so hard, you must get worn out with it all. Why don't you let me have the DC for a weekend so you can have a break together?"

That would give everyone a breathing space and it might help.

Cross-post with both of you!

The more time the children spend with other people who don't row, the more likely it is that they'll see their mother's behaviour as wrong.

Even if the time away from her children doesn't calm the OP's daughter down, it gives the children some respite.

What would you suggest if this was your daughter, brokenhearted?

Thanks for all your responses. It has been good for me to speak about the situation.

I work part time, afternoons mainly so week days are difficult. The children go to after school clubs and seem happy enough there. I help out whenever I can though.

I think I have to accept that this is outwith my control and just hope that my DD comes to realise that things have to change. I'd love her to reduce her working hours but due to financial pressures that's unlikely to happen.

That's so sad brokenhearted. Hope you were able to move on from it as an adult.

Sounds tough OP, other than being there as a pillar of support, I have no idea how you could help without potentially damaging the relationship with your daughter.

Social services would probably want the GPs to offer respite for the children, but they're presence could add stress.

I'm sorry brokenhearted.

Can I ask if your mother was violent towards you or was seeing her behaviour towards her DH/DP that has affected you?

I don't want to be obtrusive so obviously don't answer if you don't want to.

DD isn't directly abusive towards the children, they live with it though.

I have to say that the thought of calling social services sends chills through me.