Could you forgive this?

[SchnitzelvonKrumm12]

So... Here it goes. Really need someone to share this with as I feel too embarrassed to talk about it.
Last Sunday I returned home after a day out with our 3 year old daughter. My partner was on nights so had been 'asleep' during the day but was in the shower when I got back. I've had suspicions for a while after finding an email for an online 'affair' site (which of course he brushed off and said was spam). However, when I open his phone he had been on numerous dating, chat and live porn sites.
After lots of talking he admitted he felt low and thinks our relationship has been pretty rubbish for a while. We decided to give it another go for our daughter and unborn child (I'm 23 weeks pregnant).
After lots more fishing because I felt like he was holding things back. I found out the real truth - he has pretended to be someone else online for years. He had a total of 35 apps on his phone all with numerous chats, videos and pics from women, on some he asks for phone sex and has even been on them whilst texting me. He has a secret folder on his phone, that looks like a game, within the folder was nearly 200 images and videos of women he had spoken to over the last year.
I can't talk to any of my family about this and really don't know where to go from here.
Please can someone help me with some advice? I'm sure I iust need a virtual slap to get me out of my 'what about my perfect little family' daze.

Definitely not harsh to call bullshit on him blaming you for his actions! Not at all. What an idiot he is.

"His excuse for it is he hasn't actually been cheering because it's not actually him that they think they're talking to. Also, he's got really low self esteem and I don't act like I want or love him. hmm
Am I being harsh thinking this is bullshit?!!!"

No, you are not being harsh at all and what he is saying is all BS. This is cheating and I would think he has cheated on you throughout your whole relationship. Again it is typical of such people to blame anyone else other than their own self.

Oh and I did speak to mil about it on Sunday. But after the revelations of this week I just don't know if I could tell her anymore. It broke her heart. She couldn't talk to me/him without crying.

you desreve better - your whole relationship has been a lie. It is not your fault - his sexula incontinence is his problem. I could never forgive this and yes it is cheating.

i couldn't forgive this.

He's got an excuse for everything, hasn't he? And it all comes down to being your fault because you're not making him feel sufficiently loved and wanted.

It's not cheating because 'it's not actually him they think they're talking to'? This isn't just bullshit - it's an enormous pile of dung which is as rank as he is.

Tell the lying scumbag to take himself and his equally sleazy online pals elsewhere so that you can have time to consider whether you want to stay in a relationship with a man who lacks respect for women and has none for you.

You have got a 'perfect little family' in your dc and you don't need him to complete it.

does anyone think he has actually got a real problem/issue?
I will not be allowing this to excuse his behaviour but do think he should get some sort of help with it.

I think that's also part of my issue for not leaving him. I feel like I've failed my children. I had a horrible experience as a child with a father who didn't want me. I see now that it was no fault of my amazing dm - but as a child I resented that fact I didn't have my own father there and my sisters (half) did. Fwiw, my stepD is also amazing and 100% brought me up as his own.

It'll sound weird but I actually think this kind of behaviour - play acting online and gathering videos and claiming it's not really cheating because of that - is actually more craven and cowardly than just having a 'real' affair, with your real face and name on it and that you can't try to wriggle out of on semantics and technicalities if discovered.

I'm sorry, OP. He needs to go. He wants his freedom, he thinks he'd have the life of Riley on his own, let him test that theory. Offline.

His problems/issues go far deeper than his addiction to porn but there's no point in him getting 'some sort of help' unless he genuinely wants to change and, given the lies he's already told, there's a strong possibility that he'll tell you what you want to hear while having no intention of ceasing his online activities.

You haven't failed your children. In proving that he's not fit to be a role model for dc, he's failed them and he's failed you.

Hes suggested us going to relationship counselling.
If we split do I allow him come to appointments relating to my pregnancy? I have the consultant tomorrow but I don't know if it's wise to see him a lot.

Counselling won't work unless he's prepared to take responsibility and change. It's useless if he just wants to turn up and make no effort and then claim he's done all he can. Is he actually sorry?

Regarding appointments, that depends entirely on what you will find most supportive. He has no right to attend if you don't want him to. Could a friend or relative join you?

There's no point in spending good money on relationship counselling until he's proved that he's fit to be in a relationship, and he won't be able to do that until he's sought counselling for his issues and has resolved them to the extent that he's no longer addicted to porn.

If you don't want to attend them alone, I suggest you ask your dm or other family member/a friend to accompany you to antenatal appointments and give yourself time to consider whether it's necessary for you to see him outside of whatever arrangements you make for him to have contact with your dd.

Why do you need to go to relationship counselling? What have you got to work through exactly?

He's the one with the issues not you, if he wants counselling then he should go alone and try to work out why he's such a bastard. Whether you stick around to see the results of his counselling is up to you, but you don't owe it to him. Maybe he can ask for a second chance when he's fixed (you don't have to say yes).

If he's already started blaming you then how do you think relationship counselling will go?

As for antenatal appointments, it's entirely up to you. They're your appointments not the baby's. If you think it will help to have him there then ask him to come, if you think it will cause you hurt or anxiety, say no, take someone else.

Relationship counselling in this instance is a waste of time because the issues are his. He's already blaming you for his own behaviour and will continue to do so; such men do not change. He shows no real remorse for what he has done.

You will NOT fail your children if you leave; infact quite the opposite. Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable; it appears too that the two of you only decided to try again anyway because of the children. It was never going to work.

Suggesting relationship counselling indicates that he's not willing to own his problem and until he takes full responsibility for his actions he'll continue to try and shift some of it onto you.

He wants to go to relationship counselling so a) when you split up he looks like the good guy and b) to give you a list of all the things you do wrong. Obvs you will work v hard on those and he won't bother with his.

He's also banking on you not telling everyone about his porn/chatroom habit because you find it embarrassing. Which means he can continue to look like the reasonable one.

I'd suggest you get some RL support from your family by the end of today. It sounds like they love you and would 100% support you.

Will the counsellor allow him to continually blame me though. I feel like someone needs to explain to him that it's not my fault and also tell me that too. He admits that he has a problem. That it'll never happen again etc. He's really sorry. But then also lists the reasons I've drove him to it.
I feel like I'm in this weird state at the moment. The last 2 days I haven't got dressed, keep waking throughout the night/waking up ridiculously early and just sitting in silence for hours. Luckily my dm has got my daughter. I so desperately wanted to be in the best mental health before having this baby. I have been depressed in the past - and dm suffered terribly with pnd. The thought of that happening terrifies me.

You're where i was 3 years ago, except no DC involved.

3 years ago i was shocked to find him on an adult chat site - no red flags up until that point. i wanted to leave. he promised never to do it again and gave all of the reasons your DH has given you...innocent curiosity, one thing leading to another, only 'looked' didnt 'do', only 'did' web chat didnt meet..except the once..etc. i stayed.

6 months after the initial discovery lo and behold there was a alternate social media account which pretty much all through our marriage where there were chats with several women. some of the chats included suggestion of wanting to meet. i was really angry the second time and wanted to leave. he promised to change. so i stayed Like you, i was afraid of being alone without him.

And this little fact of how long this had gone on for i never told anyone because then i would be forced to leave and i was too scared to be on my own. So kept it secret and stayed. Only 2 people know the truth, my psychologist and my brother, everyone else i've said he cheated on me with another woman. For some reason this thing that he's done is absolutely disgusting and shames me as a person and his wife. I dont know why, but it does akin to paying hookers.

DH interchangeably says he'll never do it again and then says it is a compulsion. If its a compulsion and you dont get help how can you promise never to do it again?! For me, it was the realisation that he's not the man i thought he was so what am i still here for? I still love the man i thought he was but i dont love this man that he really is. That is when the penny dropped for me. THIS is the man that he is, the other one was/is an act.

Now, years later i realised that i just couldnt go on living with this man who i just didnt know or trust or want enough to have children with. My life pretty much stalled...maybe different for you as your kids grow but i suspect your life and your marriage will stall but you may not see it for a while as you're busy with small children.

I left. 2 months on now i couldnt be better, looking up divorce lawyers today!! It took me enough time to see the light and leave but since i first saw the light i just keep running towards it. It offers the promise of a new life that is normal, where i dont feel sick to the stomach with disgust at DH's shaming habit. I cant imagine your life with two little ones but I have met too many strong and amazing single mothers so i believe you too have the strength somewhere in you which will come out when you get to the right frame of mind to get to it.

So to answer your question, i tried to forgive and i couldnt.

And why is he saying it's your fault? Perhaps it is? You've obviously been neglecting him to look after your small DC whilst he has been working away - a situation which is about to repeat itself. So while you will be looking after DC2, he will feel neglected again, and consider himself justified in carrying on with his sordid habits.

Bail out now.

Sounds like it's all about him, he can do no wrong and it's yourself and everyone else who is to blame for him behaving badly.

Bollocks.

Complete Bollocks.

I would ask myself if I thought he would stop doing it and given that he's blamed everything on you and refused to accept responsibility, I would conclude no.

I would ask myself if I deserve being tethered to someone who doesn't respect me and has been trying it on with others. No.

I would ask if you can change a person. No, they can only change themself and someone who thinks they aren't responsible will never do that.

I would ask what advice I would give my daughter and how I would view her partner in this situation.

I would go to counselling for myself and kick the lying sack of blaming shit to the curb.

A joint therapist will be duty bound to give as much air time to his grievances as yours, which will likely result in both of you believing he's justified in blaming you. We are telling you, this is not your fault.

If he was so unhappy, how has he tried to fix things with you? Has he communicated his unhappiness? Has he tried to make changes? I'm guessing not, the reason being that this has probably got nothing to do with your relationship and everything to do with the person he is, and that's unlikely to change.

Tell me, when you're at home with your new baby and DD1, up all night, feeding, nappies, recovering from birth, are you now going to be duty bound to put his needs first so that he doesn't do this again? Taking your attention away from where it should be and where you would want it to be, just to keep him happy? If you do that, how would you feel if it later transpired that he was still doing it anyway, because he can.

You found out before, that wasn't enough to stop him, why would this time be any different?

I'm worried that you already sound like you're blaming yourself. Please get some RL support.

It sounds like he is the catalyst for you feeling awful now so perhaps you'd feel a lot better without him dragging you down?