Cheating husband...

[myhusbandsacheat]

I have finally come to my senses... My husband has been cheating on me for almost all of our time together. Why did I believe him when he told me I was crazy?!?

I'm so sorry.

We believe them because we don't eantt to believe we made the wrong choice and that married life isn't going to be a rosy as we hoped for.

How long have you been together for?

We have been together for 6 years...(2nd marriage and the youngest child is between us) I can see it all on his phone bills, hotel bills etc yet he still denies most of it? one for 18 months, one for 6 months, trips away, filthy messages etc.
I want a divorce Yet he states I'm the one who is going to ruin the children's lives? ;-(

He has admitted to sleeping with one of them.. there's loads ;-(

don't get in a big court case discussion about who's ''fault'' it is. Obviously it is his, but engaging in the discussion makes it seem like there is some debate over it. YOU aren't ruining the children's lives, that's for sure.

What I don't understand is that he just wont accept that I can no longer look at him. He's manipulative and a compulsive liar. I just want out of the marriage but he says I have to leave... He says he has no where to go but I cant just up and leave with the children ;-(

He says he is sorry and then tells me more lies.. This has been the pattern over the last few weeks and I just cant take it anymore. Do I just move out? I'm too scared to tell the children ( oldest 19, youngest 4) but how can i just uproot them without explaining a bit of why, particularly to the older ones..

I'd tell the children. You don't have to give them all the details but you can tell them that their father has had numerous other 'girlfriends' and that is not respect or love. Tell them you're unhappy and you want to split up.

That mightn't be everybody's style but I want my kids to know that you don't stay in a relationship if there's no respect and no love. I told my children that their dad wasn't nice to me. They know that he is 'nice' to them but not to me.

I can't advise wrt the house. Can you get it on record that he refuses to leave. Go to a solicitor and tell them that you are going to divorce but that your h refuses to leave. then they can tell you the repercussions of various decisions.

It's really shitty of him not to leave. It would be easier for him to find somewhere than for you. So he's trying to engineer it so that you just 'lose the fight' I think. If you can't find anywhere, you'll stay with him because of the kids and everything will go back to ''normal'' if he just stone walls you long enough.

You haven't done anything wrong and no, you and the children don't go anywhere.

Detach from conversation, find time to gather your financial paperwork and get yourelf a solicitor appointment. Do you have copies of your "evidence"?

Be kind to your self and don't engage any further, at least you have concrete evidence and not just living off gut instinct.

You shouldn't have to uproot the children, irrespective of where the blame lies it is not fair to disrupt them. If he refuses to move out could you call his bluff and say that you will have to leave him with the DC as you cannot afford to rehome them and they would blame him if he stayed in the marital home and made them leave?? It is a bit manipulative, but your h has been a massive shit so he could do with a shock. How about saying you need to go away "to think about your relationship" and have a weekend with a good friend. It might just give him a wake-up call. He can't have his affairs and be a full time parent.

Once a divorce has been initiated, I don't know, perhaps your solicitor could send him a letter telling him to leave. Then if he didn't, if he still refused, it would be on record that you had asked. I think there can be repercussions to leaving the family home but if it's on record that you asked him to leave, he wouldn't and so you had no choice but to walk away and find somewhere to live with however many children in tow... that won't look good for him.

Thanks everyone. I know he is just playing this game, thinking that he can change my mind. He keeps asking me 'Whats wrong?'

Does he really need to ask?!?!... Yes I have all of the 'evidence' I have his profiles, copies of the messages, his confession to one of the affairs, pictures he sent, his 'other' email accounts and log ins.. Its completely taken over my life gathering it all.. It just infuriates me that he STILL stares me straight in the face and denies most of it, even though I have the proof in my hand! Including the hotel room key!!

I have to keep reminding myself I AM NOT MAD.. he's just seconds ago even sent me a text with a smiley face?!?!?! He is just nuts!!

also I cant just leave the kids here as 4 of them are my biological children (only 1 of them is his) and I couldnt do that.. I'd feel like I was abandoning them.
I also have a step child here who I am apparently 'letting down' if I divorce my husband as the stepchild only really trusts me, not their father or the biological mother.. I hate being used like this but don't want to destroy the children.

You are not mad.

You have everything you need.

What is the situation with property, do you rent or own, who's name is on what.

Please stay strong, he is playing you for a muppet.

Just end the marriage by asking your solicitor to apply for a divorce, go from there, he will probably move in with the latest ow.

The house in in joint names and has plenty of equity but I cant afford it on my own and I don't have a big enough personal income to buy another home ;-( I'm scared that we will all be homeless. The children have gotten used to a 'well off' lifestyle and because they don't know what's going on, they are still asking for the big school trips etc and the usual expenditure.. Everytime I mention the word divorce we have the same routine.. I have to move out, I have to give him my credit & debit cards etc etc (which I'm refusing to do). I just want him to leave and leave me alone.
I'm sick of being played by him and I know that he will keep trying to win me round.. This has been gong on for years (my suspicions) and he has talked me out of a divorce over and over. I only found out that he actually had the affairs a few weeks ago although I found messages etc up to 2 years ago (which he lied his way out of and I believed that nothing else happened.. the stupid person that I am)

I'm getting the 'you will loose me my job, the toddler will have no money story' and its so difficult.
Ive thought about putting up and shutting up.... but I just cant bear to look at him knowing that he was with these women.. I cant bear to think of them together in the hotel rooms and I cant see that ever easing..

now ive exposed him to many of the other women as him being married with a large family, they are not interested. He's lied to them too. I'm not even angry with them? bizarrely.. I guess because I honestly believe they didn't know.

You either stay for the money or divorce, it's your choice.

He is emotionally and financially bullying you at the moment - in fact I would go so far as to say that his flat denial is almost a pathetic attempt at gas lighting you. You have the upper hand an he is trying to make you question yourself. If you can't leave the house then stand firm, initiate the divorce and just ride the storm. It will be shitty for you and the children if he continues to dig his heels in.

Go and see a divorce lawyer. The first hour is usually free I believe, so you know where you stand a bit better.

You don't have to start the ball rolling straight away necessarily, but seeing one (or more than one even) will give you more info and knowledge is power after all.

Are you collecting copies of financial info like his bank statements?

Stop collecting information about his infidelity

Start collecting information about your ( yours and his ) assets and liabilities - house, mortgage, debts, savings, pensions, life insurance , any other properties or businesses you own .