Wqhat to do when you have drifted apart massively but are still happy (ish)

[Gretasmyname]

I need to rant. I could cry tonight
I have been with dp 20years.have dc's together. I AM happy with my lot, but my life certainly hasnt turned out how I thought.
Dp is Very different to me. Im quite chatty and sociable and like to be daft.
Hes very sensible and serious. It used to be a joke, but hes getting worse. Hes turned into a grumpy middle aged man. He bites mine and the kids heads off. Constantly. They even comment that 'dad is moody'
He denies this. Says hes fine.
I will add, im absolutely not perfect. I moan, nag i guess. I'm very light hearted about most things though and quickly snap out of it.
I honestly think the differences that attracted us have now drawn us apart. He irritates me and I know I annoy him.
Despite all of this generally we get on. A contradiction I know. I do love him. We share similar values and morals etc.
Im just getting a tad fed up with a long face. I like having fun and a laugh. Its a huge dampener.
Tonight he must have bitten my head off a dozen times.
If I broach the subject he says hes fine. I just need to stop moaning.
Any sympathy or advice?

Hi there,

Perhaps there are things that have not been resolved berween you which still needing tending to.

Could you afford to get therapy to help you sort out where you've gone off track so that you can get closer together again?

Take care.
Sending hugs

Hi...I'm in much the same situation and am wondering if this is the best we can do in long term marriages?

Hi there
And thanks for reply. There are definitely unresolved issues! However he will not discuss anything for longer than ten minutes. After that he says im going on. Just says forget it now and move on. He does not get that this leads to simmering resentment.
I give up.

Ciele
Whats your situation? Sorry you feel the same.
I never ever expected to be in a relationship where I was just settling for what I had.
Dont get me wrong,there are still certain things where I would just fuck off, like infidelity, but I seriously, didn't think id live a life like mine. With someone so, so different.

Squishy
Ive told him countless times how it's affecting me. Sometimes he will say im not grumpy. Just stop moaning blah blah. Others he will apologise and say oh I didn't mean it that way, sorry.
I think he hates his life. Well maybe not hates, but wishes it was different too. More time to himself with dcs and so on. We are in our 40's and a lit of his friends have grown up dcs.
Although saying that, hes hardly a party animal

If anyone else has anymore input id appreciate it. Feel low tonight :-(

Similarly, I am am chatty/sociable and DH is more serious (except I am a bit more serious than he is deep down sometimes, but nevermind).

Recently learned something that works better with him that trying to explain something to him or discuss something with him. A while back I asked him if he thought that generally speaking, I was unreasonable or stupid. And he said no he didn't. so I asked him to bear that in mind when we talk about things. So he told me that he now starts from a position of assuming that I am being reasonable, it's just that my POV is different from his.

So now if something happens that makes me feel bad, I tell him
*I didn't/don't like- an action/event
*how it made me feel- a negative emotion e.g. unimportant, scared, ignored (I reassure him that I know he didn't intend to make me feel like that)
*that I would prefer to feel- a positive emotion e.g. cherished, loved, desired, funny (and that I know he would rather I felt that, because I know he loves me)

And that I know he would prefer that I feel happy and that I trust him to work out how to make me feel (appropriate positive emotion) rather than (actually felt negative) emotion. And I leave him to it. It's never taken him more than 5-10 minutes to work it out for himself. I do let him know he is free to ask any question he wants to help him work it out if he needs to.

He just doesn't like being told what to do (fine, neither do I). But he does love an intellectual puzzle.

Oh, by the way, would you prefer or Greta, if it would make you feel less low.

Have some in the meantime.

Morning
johnwick
I absolutely prefer the vino, tho not this early obviously!! I will wait till later for that!
Thanks for your response.
Yes im definitely more serious deep down too,if that makes sense. Really important stuff he can be quite casual about. A bit like 'well thats just the way that it is'.
I just don't know. I find myself looking at him.lately and thinking you miserable fucker.
Another thing thats bothers me is that if he is not that interested in doing or going somewhere he makes it quite clear. And shows barely any enthusiasm. For example, I love going away on holiday. Him not so much. There is barely any excitement from him. If its something he likes doing he doesn't shut up. I guess we are all guilty of that but he really does it in the extreme.

We recently had a small job done on the house. It was something he was interested in. He completely took over and it caused many arguments. Any ideas I had, he bit my head off big style. Now there are a million and one other jobs thats also need doing, but if I make suggestions he says 'yes whatever you think'. Or even worse is he will get a bit angry almost and say it doesnt need doing,or that it can be repaired. Thats another story and he is notorious for just patching up anything. He gets seriously annoyed say if I say we need some new curtains. (Just an example!).He will get all arsey and say. 'Up to you'. When hes clearly irritated! Really strange when its my own bloody money.
I have to say though,that his sister is very much like him in this respect. Ive seen her with a face like thunder at get together or places that shes not interested in.

Sounds pretty draining OP. Like sucking the happiness out of your life.
Are you sure your love for him can handle this on a long term basis?
Won't you eventually become resentful?

Is he depressed? Could anti depressants help?

I would just ask him why he's so miserable, negative and hostile all the time. Is there anything he wants to tell you because you want him to be happy and that His negativity and hostility is draining the happiness out of you all.

I would ask him what he intends to do about it because surely he wants to be happy too.

You won't get a nice response from him but if you put it in a concerned way, non attacking, then perhaps you'll slowly get somewhere.

Yeah draining is an understatement.
I.am resentful already.
Our life isnt completely terrible and a lot of time hes ok. We do have lots of happy times too. Sometimes hes in a great mood. Just im noticing the grumpiness is more frequent. I dread to think hoow he will be as he gets older. He will be like his parents who follow the same routine and dont do anything.

Winky
Hes not depressed.
I do confront him regularly. Well not always confront, sometimes I talk nicely! His standard response os that hes fine. Its just me moaning.
I DO moan because I can see his mood is killing the atmosphere and I hate it. Last night he had a face like a wet weekend because I kept dcs up late as they were watching something on telly. He kept muttering under his breath. Or he will make a sarcastic comment.
I think I do compound the situation. Im very talkative and always nattering away. Hes not a conversationalist at all. Just doesn't chat for the sake of it. So he gets snappy. I can be randomly having a moan about work and he sems to think I'm having a go! Im just ranting. He will be like 'do something about it!'im just venting!
I suppose I need to save the annoying chit chat for other people.

Im not painting a very good picture am I?!
I suppose im justifying his moodiness and blaming my nattering/moaning.

I chat away to him, hoping for a bit of a conversation the way I would have with friends. Hes not interested, so I moan and then hes moody. Just going round in a circle.

Oh and winky sometimes I do try and discuss his constant negatively. If I catch the right moment or have the right approach he will respond well. He sometimes says that he knows hes being a moody and he doesn't. Mean anything and will try harder to lighten up so to speak.
In the summer on holiday he was in a good mood (yes!). He promised to 'lighten up' and that when we got home we would all have a nice day out somewhere (something I like doing). That never materialised.

Its not you, its him. I also note without much surprise that his own sister is of a similar nature.

This is about power and control; he simply is doing only what he wants to do. The rest of you do not get a look in, your opinion to him really does not matter.

Do you think your children now wonder why you and he are actually still together?.

One day your children will leave home and it will be just you and he. What then?.

You have one life...just one. No other chances. You could be so much happier. And would you really be here if you were truly happy? He has shown you he has no intention of trying to change or "fix" things. Listen to him. It's not up to you to do his share in the relationship.

He's sucking the life out of you and holding you back from being the person you want to be. It's not just you niticing his attitude either yet because he's the centre of it all and it doesn't affect him then he doesn't see the problem and prefers to dismiss your feelings.

I couldn't imagine being trapped in a relationship like that my whole life without hope.

My mum and dad split, not because there was anything seriously wrong but because it just was right. It was the right thing for them.

*it just WASN'T right

Thanks everyone.
Makes.me sound like im in a really bad place. Its not quite like that.
I . couldn't really imagone being with anyone else as we do generally share a good life. I know it doesn't sound like that
I suppose what I was asking is can you just settle for a relationship thats maybe not 100%.
I know the answer on here is that I shouldn't settle for anything less.

I dont think the children wonder why we are together. We always do stuff as a family. We are affectionate with each other. Dcs see us kiss and cuddle. But they do.comment quute a lot that dad is grumpy.

I think the dcs gravitate to me more as my personality is different. I always suggest fun stuff. Dh is always.more.practical, sticking to routines etc. I do too, but sometimes I think.stay up.late or whatever. They only young once.

You are still making excuses for him, why is that?.

What do you always do as a family in terms of doing stuff; he seems totally unenthusiastic when it comes to doing anything that you want to be doing and is not above going back on promises either. You;ve also tried talking to him numerous times to no effect. I was not at all surprised to see that all his promises about changing and or taking you somewhere you've always wanted to visit came to nothing. Your children consistently tell you that he is grumpy.

What do you think they are learning about relationships here; that this is their "norm" too?.

You are showing them that currently at least, this is acceptable to you on some level. Is that really what you want to be teaching them about relationships, that this is actually how people do behave?.

You really should not be settling for anything less; infact you and your children deserve an awful lot more.

I take it as read you are not married to this man either even after 20 years and having children together.

You have a lot of shared history yes but do not get caught up in the sunken costs fallacy.

Do you do routines stuff too with the dcs? I only ask because it's me that covers all the humdrum stuff in our household. I get very grumpy sometimes when I see h having a good time with the dcs. That's my fault though as I should just ditch the dull and get stuck in to having a laugh.