2 months on

[Astarael]

Hi, long time lurker. Very occasional poster.

I'm two months out of an abusive relationship and am still coming to terms with everything. I find it really difficult to reconcile what happened to me and how I couldn't see it at the time. I mean, I'm a strong professional woman - how did I not see????

Just wondering if there are any others who managed to block it all out when it was going on? Feeling a bit lost tbh.

Yes Astarael, many do. My mum did and I have for years.
I'd done my university education, worked in several different countries and was very independent.
Did you have any abuse in your childhood at all?
Even if you didn't abusers are professionals at their game, masters at why they do to make you feel like the crazy one.
The charm, the lies, the guilt trips, emotional blackmail and hiding and visible abuse is all a part of the relationship to them.

Sorry, many typos!

And many are professionals themselves. They often use their profession to hide the abuse. As with recent abuse cases which have come to light, you can just see how crafty they are.
I'm ashamed to say my own abuse (mostly emotional, mental and some physical) came at the hands of my own father who was a medical Dr.

He convinced me I was autistic, and that was why I was uncomfortable/unhappy with the way things were

I think everything was done to make sure that I didn't 'know' it was definitely wrong iyswim. He lost control and split my ear open once but the rest of the time all the physical stuff was all done in 'jest' but I'd still end up with bruises.

Oh poor you. Sorry to hear that. I know exactly what you mean.
It's extremely confusing and disconcerting which is why it takes so long to actually leave.

Abusers are not mean all of the time. Did you have times where he was dead nice to you and gave you gifts?

I know your pain. It's very early days so give yourself time. It's a year for me and I'm starting to make some headway. It's so often strong, capable women. Who maybe have a bit too much empathy or belief in solving things. I'm sorry for your pain.

Yes squishy, that's it! You normalise it.

Yes freckles he did loads for me. Which I now see was just another angle as hr was constantly telling me I couldn't cope without him. And I believed him.

Thanks kitty you've hit the nail on the head - he 'wanted to get better' and i desperately wanted to help fix him

Squishy that's exactly how I feel and frankly terrified that I didn't see it at the time, I mean I was there for god's sake!! I would have seen it if it was happening to anyone else. Really scared I'm damaged too deeply to ever be safe with anyone.

He didn't rock up on day one being abusive left right and centre, I'm sure. It's okay to ask yourself how it happened but to be fair these are highly manipulative individuals we are dealing with. They sniff out your weakness and mine it ruthlessly.

...strong professionsl woman...

Oh [non-mumsnetty] hun, there are two kinds of women that abusers mainly target (in no particular order):

1. the vulnerable; may or not be outwardly successful, but he'll know they have no clear boundaries.

1. The Very Successful Independent Woman; they just love freaking tearing those down. Because it just feels better making a strong woman doubt herself.

Society would love for us all to believe that only the stupid or societally downtrodden of us could ever fall for an abusive charmer. Because then all the Rodine coiffured wives on the stairs of some Georgian edifice saying "we both had some problems in our marriage and that's why he fucked a goat and I've forgiven him so why can't you?... " would be as ridiculous as it actually is.

It's akin to the fallacious theory that there's something you can do to "prevent" rape. Sure, you can not wear short skirts and only rely on big burly male friends to make sure you get home safe, but bottom line, if there's a society that deems that only assholes get to determine justice or, an individual's own personal experience or perspective, then such dichotomy of [female] mind will ensue.

TLDR: totally not your fault. Or, wouldn't be if the world was even vaguely sane

Hi, Astarael - It's great that you extricated yourself from that relationship. It's very hard, I know. I'm just out of an emotionally abusive relationship and it's still very raw. I'm devastated but also numb. It crept up on me too: for a long time I knew I didn't like the way he was at times, but I never labelled it abuse. That came some way down the line. And now, I just can't believe I 'let' it happen. That I didn't walk away when he shouted yet again, when he belittled my feelings and blamed everything on me. But I didn't. And now I'm fucking furious with him, and with myself. As a previous poster said, it's very confusing.

So I guess, yes, to some extent I blocked it out. For me that took t he form of hoping against hope it wouldn't happen again, but of course it always did. I had a breakdown and am still dealing with that.

I wish you all the best in your recovery and be proud of yourself for getting out

brokenhearted
Are you out now?

Thank you all for your posts. It's really helping. I thunk part of my problem was that he was.my first adult relationship (I was a teenager, he was considerably older) so I guess I didn't have a reference point really.

The good bits inbetween are really what keep you stuck aren't they as you think that it could be okay if you just don't annoy them all the time. It's funny (well not really) but everyone comments in the fact that I say sorry non-stop, even for things that are nothing to do with me.

Asterael, no wonder you had nothing to compare it to. Ie a nomal relationship. You can't blame yourself.
Yes, as soon as they think you are getting edgy or suspicious they will shower you with good times.

Yep brokenhearted, they put you on a guilt trip and never take responsibility for their actions. They'll also minimalise everything.
Saying they mean't it jokingly or you are too serious etc

Yes broken, have a google and if you can try and get Lundy Bancroft. (amazon)

I've had to do a lot of reading myself to make sense of it all.
Look under Emotional /mental abuse. You'll be surprised at what is NOT considered 'normal' to the outside World.
Xx

Can I suggest the Freedom Programme to you, op? It is for women (I think it's exclusively for women, but I don't know whether they run courses for abused men, too). Anyway, it's for women who've been emotionally, or financially or physically abused in their relationship. It will help you become more aware of early warning signals which you may miss due to the conditioning you have been living with. It resets your radar as it were, improves your confidence.

Google it and see if there's a course running near enough for you to get to. I have heard great things about it.

You are not destined to never have another relationship, unless that is what you choose to do. You can recover from the abuse; take all the help you can find as it is not an easy road, but you will become whole again and free of it. Believe it, it will happen.

OP, glad you are out, well done. Have you looked into doing the Freedom Programme at all? It wasn't around when I left my abusive partner some 20-ahem years ago but I've heard very good things about people who've done it, especially on the validation side of things, meeting other women who come across as strong and professional but have been through the same things.

Brokenhearted as well as Lundy I'd recommend a read of Toxic Parents if you haven't already, and feel free to come hang out on the Stately Homes thread.