I dont want to see my abusive father at my sisters wedding - long

[evamum]

Background- My father mentally and physically abused myself and my sisters constantly and mentally abused my mother for 30 years. A few years ago my brother discovered he is gay and had been cheating on my mother and she started divorce proceedings. It was a nasty divorce and at one point he told us all he was dying, although there is no record of him being in hospital anywhere and no-one has ever seen medication etc.
I havent spoken to him since just before the divorce and he has never met my daughter, but one sister still speaks to him as she refuses to admit he was abusive.
She is going to get married and wants my father to give her away and my daughter to be a bridesmaid. My DH will not go to the wedding as he cannot trust himself to behave in the same room as my father and he does not want my daughter to go either. I agree with him and do not want him to be any part of my daughters life.

My problem is that although I want to be there with my sister the thought of being in the same room as him makes me feel physically ill, (I have sweats just typing this). He has denied all the abuse ever happened and wont contact me because 'he cant understand why I am being so horrible to him'

Should I go to the wedding for my sister? How can I avoid him? How can I tell my sister that DD is not going to be a bridesmaid because of him?
not really looking for answers, just need to share this and get it out of my system

thanks for listening

Just tell your sister your dh is uncomfortable with the situation. You can't disrespect your Dh's feelings just so your sister won't be annoyed

It's a difficult situation to be in... How does your other sisters feel about the abuse & the fact that he will be at the wedding?

Terrible position to be in so for you. If it was me I wouldn't be able to go to the wedding as it would be so obvious how uncomfortable I'd be. No question that your DH and DD should go so you'd have no support. Is she having any kind of hen do? Could you take a key role in organising something lovely for her so you could be part of something that will be a special event for her? Just let her know how much you love her and that you feel it would be better for all concerned if you don't attend the wedding. She must know how you feel and she has been a bit misguided in thinking that you could play happy families so she doesn't have to choose between you and your family and your father...

empathise with you evasmum...i too would be unable to attend such an event with my abuser. i dont know what to say - is your sister aware of how you feel

Thanks for messages
Out of 4 sisters 2 of us wont speak to him and 2 deny all knowledge it happened. My sister actually broached the subject by saying how upset she would be if I wasnt there as its not her fault, which is true, but totally guilt trips me.
There's no way my DH and DD could go, DH may well hit him (hes not a violent person!) and the thought of him even eeting my DD makes me feel sick.
The problem is the other sister who wont speak to him doesnt speak to any of us and my mum and bro wont speak to him either. Not even sure what to say to my mum as she is having her own problems with wanting to go and not wanting to see him. She was really upset at my wedding as I refused to invite him and my bro gave me away and altho she knew I was right, she still felt he should be there.
its too hard a decision to make, and whatever happens either I feel ill all day and have panic attacks OR my sister never speaks to me again.

TBH I'd not go. Risk your sister not speaking to you... when she has kids herself she will see how you feel

Don't think about anyone apart from, you, dh & dd.

I wouldn't go either. Look at the worry it's causing you already. Plus it's bound to bring up some old memories that you have forgotten. Say you are sorry but it's impossible. Concentrate on your family now.

I'm so glad you have all said what the sensible part of my brain is thinking. DH is the same as he knows I will be a wreck afterwards.
You obviously don't think I am completely evil for not wanting to go to her wedding so thank you! I think you are right.

Now I just have to tell her

Of course you are not completely evil evamum.

Don't put yourself through hell for anyone else, it's your life, haven't you spent enough of it pleasing others?