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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

EX on trial to determine if he has changed

24 replies

HaleyLondon · 03/10/2015 18:56

My relationship with unborn DS's father broke down after his mental breakdown made him a nightmare to live with and I felt he was just one of the most toxic non violent people ever,very controlling needy and demanding.Thanks to a long distance between us he has been convinced I am not pregnant but fat and depressed by our past and has for 4months plus desperately tried to get me back via email etc.I am saying I am prepared to trial how he is recovering meet up etc but I am not going to disclose the pregnancy till I know he is sane and managing his behaviour.We had a weekend where he managed to have a few mild racist outbursts was abusive to a janitor and had altogether 3 temper tantrums...how bad is this for a prospective father on a scale of 1-10? 1 being mild bad behaviour- 10 being terrible?

OP posts:

tribpot · 03/10/2015 19:03

Surely you don't really need to ask? This is him at the pinnacle of his best behaviour to win you back and he's racist, abusive, immature and spoilt. There will never be a better weekend than this one.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2015 19:03

The only acceptable level of toxic relationship in a relationship is zero

What the hell are you thinking ? A racist, tantrumming, abusive partner and live-in role model for your baby ?

Don't do it it to your child.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/10/2015 19:06

11 (to quote the classics).

laughingatweather · 03/10/2015 19:06

It doesn't really matter whether you want to set him a trial or not. You don't have to have a relationship with him.

But you did become pregnant by him. So this isn't really about you any more. You should tell him you are expecting his child and figure out contact etc for the future.

Unless you're considering denying your child knowledge of his Father forever. You can make that choice but it would be unfair to your child.

LilaTheTiger · 03/10/2015 19:09

This is him on best behaviour. Stay well away. Or plan on watching him have those 'temper tantrums' at your baby.

He doesn't sound daddy material.

AnyFucker · 03/10/2015 19:09

I don't agree.

I believe that in some cases, the best favour you can give your child is an absent father

MrsEvadneCake · 03/10/2015 19:09

Don't get back together. He only wants you back because he is controlling. When your child is born he will become even worse and you'll be in a harder position. Stay apart. Have a safer, happier life for you and your child.

version74 · 03/10/2015 19:12

We had a weekend where he managed to have a few mild racist outbursts was abusive to a janitor and had altogether 3 temper tantrums...how bad is this for a prospective father on a scale of 1-10?

Are you seriously asking? Forget scales of 1 to 10 - it's just shitty behaviour. For anyone, let alone a prospective father.

LilaTheTiger · 03/10/2015 19:16

I agree with AnyFucker

I left the abusive arsehole that is my ex, but was careful to make sure he had a relationship with his children. The cunt has now hurt them and it's all MUCH more complicated.

Never see him again and never tell him you are pregnant. For the health of you but more importantly your child.

oldaninpurple · 03/10/2015 19:30

21 years and my child has never known their father (I left when they were 6 months old ). I do not for a single second regret the fact I denied that relationship. Violence, rape, emotional abuse, gambling and alcohol addiction....

AnyFucker is spot on. Sometimes the very best father in a case like this is an absent one.

To answer your OP. This was his best behaviour and he manages to be racist and abusive? I would walk away now, and never have contact again. Ever.

goddessofsmallthings · 03/10/2015 20:21

Sever all contact with this man NOW and leave him to think that you are not pg. Resist any temptation to notify him of the birth of your dc and DO NOT ask him to accompany you to the Registry Office so that he can be named on the birth certificate,

If you don't heed this advice you will be responsible for blighting the life of your unborn dc because this man is not fit be a father nor should he be let anywhere near any dc.

spanisharmada · 03/10/2015 20:31

Whose convinced you're fat rather than pregnant, you? (Not the point I know, just confused!)

spanisharmada · 03/10/2015 20:32

convinced him* I mean

queenofthepirates · 03/10/2015 21:11

I don't know how far along you are but assuming this is your first baby, you're about to have a huge change of lifestyle. I'm sure you know that but what you might not yet appreciate is the unyielding attention your baby will demand and need. All the time.
Now bring into the equation a second person who by the sounds of it is unsupportive and in your own words, demanding and controlling and it's a recipe for disaster. Do yourself a favour and let him make his own recovery. You are not responsible for him. He can come back into your life when he can demonstrate his good mental health. So far, it sounds as though he has some way to go.
I brought my DD us alone and without support from her father. She is just peachy as are we both.

Nonnainglese · 03/10/2015 21:15

You have to ask?
Obviously the further away you can get from him now before he knows you're pregnant, the better.
It's beyond my comprehension that you can even be considering anything else.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/10/2015 10:10

Some people really are their own worst enemies.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 04/10/2015 10:12

Oh and to answer your question, it's off the scale bad.

This isn't a man you should be having sex with let alone getting pregnant by.

NameChange30 · 04/10/2015 10:14

Don't even put him name on the birth certificate

NameChange30 · 04/10/2015 10:14

his name

BlackeyedSusan · 04/10/2015 10:22

having a relationship with the father is a good thing... for most children... this father though does not sound like he is going to bring anything to their life. drop it. leave. monitor from a distance. if he recovers establish contact then.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 04/10/2015 10:43

You've closed the door on the relationship once. Add a padlock, a "DO NOT ENTER" sign, and walk away from the door. Do not look back.

If this is him on his best behaviour, think of what his worst behaviour will look like.

The only acceptable level of toxic relationship in a relationship is zero

This. Absolutely.

category12 · 04/10/2015 10:50

Just because he contributed sperm to the making of this baby does not make him either a suitable partner for you or good live-in parent. He's awful - and you need to look out for yourself and baby - which means he is in your lives as little as possible, preferably not at all.

thejanuarys · 04/10/2015 14:42

Run, run, run, as fast as you can!! Remember, men like this do not change. You will be influenced by so many hormones, and they may make you feel that if he was there, then things would work out when baby comes etc. It won't. You can see the cues. You are already questioning yourself. Be firm now, however hard it seems, as it is the best in the long run. If at a later date he does prove to have gotten rid of his monsters, then pause before you go ahead. But not now. Now you run!

Frecklesandspecs · 06/10/2015 21:13

Cut him off, out of your life. You will be a much better mother by yourself.

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