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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Viewpoints please...

10 replies

ciele · 03/10/2015 15:45

I am 50 and been married for 25 years to a very distant man. He is a good provider and we have lovely family. No sex or cuddles for about 20 years and have separated before but tried again. Was okay for very short time but then I became disabled and unable to work. He is not a bad man at all but there is only a feeling of duty although if you asked he would tell you he loved me. He cannot even call me by his name. When he's out of the house I'm a happy person but try as I do we just can't get along for very long and then I become very anxious and have trouble sleeping.
Have any of you been here? What did you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
ciele · 03/10/2015 15:46

Sorry..my name.

OP posts:
IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 03/10/2015 17:53

I haven't been there, but I didn't want to read and run.

Who made the first move to get back together after the separation? And did you discuss the issues that caused it in the first place?

You sound mismatched. You deserve to be happy you know, on your own if necessary

Original poster
ciele · 03/10/2015 18:02

Hi, and thanks for replying. I made the move to get back together and we had split because of no sex. We had decent sex for about a year afterwards, never on his initiative. Yes we are a mismatch and sometimes that works but often not!

OP posts:
Starkswillriseagain · 03/10/2015 19:57

When he's out of the house I'm a happy person but try as I do we just can't get along for very long and then I become very anxious and have trouble sleeping.

That speaks volumes to me ciele. If he's out of the house you are happier, so what about having him out of it for good?

Original poster
ciele · 04/10/2015 18:13

I think, and know, that life is never perfect. I enjoy the good times, which are without him as a rule. Now I'm calmer I understand that I would just be swapping one set of problems for another. I really don't want to be skint!

OP posts:
Starkswillriseagain · 04/10/2015 18:31

If you intend to stay, can you work on an 'exit fund'? That way you are putting up with in the short term for the long term happiness?

Original poster
ciele · 04/10/2015 19:08

I have money put away from when I worked but he would be entitled to half? And he has debts. And his own business. And I have not got masses...it wouldn't get me far!
I just wondered what other people had done and if they were pleased with their choices or had regrets?

OP posts:
tunnockt3acake · 05/10/2015 20:20

Would rather be poor and happy

Than rich and unhappy

You only have one life

pocketsaviour · 05/10/2015 20:33

Is there any way you could look to retrain, perhaps as something you could work from home? Or would the nature of your disability prevent that?

It does sound pretty grim, he never says your name?? What does he call you? Do you have children at home?

Original poster
ciele · 05/10/2015 22:46

Hi ...one daughter living back at home after uni and one away. He just avoids saying my name to my face which a counsellor told me was a sign of lack of intimacy.
The atmosphere is strained but that's the norm and tbh I don't think he notices...always on phone and no OW for cert!
In my experience poor was rubbish and poor and disabled and getting on doesn't sound very tempting!
Rich doesn't equal happy either.
Have you been in this situation and did you stay or go?

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