I've 'discovered' a brother that I've never really had and I'm finding it difficult.

[bauble99]

I come from a 'high-functioning' dysfunctional family.

Middle-class (at least that's what we would have been called when I was a child.) Remote but fundamentally loving parents, no real relationship with my mum.

I had two brothers, one left home to move into his own flat when I was 12 and was killed twelve years ago at age 32 in a flying accident (RAF.)The other one left home at 16 (I was 14) to join the police cadets.

This remaining brother has always been distant. Once he'd done his uniformed junior PC stuff he moved into other police work and has always made me proud from a distance because of the difficult work he's done, domestic violence unit, child protection etc.

I've never really 'known' him. He's been married since he was 20 to a SIL who I've also never really known but have always liked when I've spent any time with her. They have no children.

He hadn't seen The older Bubble Boys for three years until we met in September and had never even met Elijah (DS3 who lost his twin during labour.)

< I am trying to keep this brief >

Since September there has been a major change in my brother and he asked to, and visited us, again last week. I'd noticed in September that he's lost a LOT of weight. He put it down to exercise and eating properly.

During his visit last weekend we all went for a walk along the river near where we live and he 'opened up.'

He has been an alcoholic for the past 20 years and stopped drinking in March. He said that he feels he has 'lost' 20 years of his life and bitterly regrets that he's never had a relationship with his nephews. He also apologised for the way he has resented me over the years. I was very wild in my 20's and he had always put this down to attention-seeking, just for the hell of it. He says that he now realises how inept my mother was as a role model. She sold up our house in London and moved to Scotland when I was 19 and had just left home to go to a School of Nursing. I felt at the time that I had no real home and, wuss I maybe, it affected me badly. She has also always been hyper-critical to the extent that I never really felt 'worthy.' It was difficult to hear him acknowledge all of this as it changed the ground-rules of what I had assumed would always be a difficult and distant brother/sister relationship.

Anyway, the long and short is that I now feel that I'm trying to get to know a brother from scratch.

Anyone been through anything similar?.... Thanks for reading.

Oh, Bubble! Not been through similar - but are you seeing this as a positive thing? Sounds like you might be able to get to know him now?

(Hunker x x x)

bauble, I haven't got similar experience so I hope you don;t mind me replying. I can imagine that it's difficult - the last 20 years were your life too, and he's kind of re-telling the story a bit. It's a big thing when someone comes along and tells you things weren't what you thought they were. you'd be strange not to find it difficult - possibly especially as there must have been times when an older brother would have come in handy. but he's taken such a big step and you have the chance to build something new, and to allow your dss to gain an uncle. Time and talking and getting to know each other will help. good luck.

I don't have any experience of this, but what struck me from what you've said is that he clearly loves you, and this sounds so very exciting. There's a lot of ground to be covered, but you could have a close relationship with a blood relative, which it sounds like you've lacked. And he came to YOU and put his cards on the table.

Positive? Yes.

But it's bloomin' daunting, Minker.

I feel like I'm treading on egg-shells as I can't shake the feeling that he's always seen me as a waste of space.

When our eldest brother died, and during a particularly nasty episode, he said that he wished that I'd died instead.

I can't 'let go' of that.

hatwoman, DetentionGrrrl. Thanks for your posts. I'm not exactly a bit of light/larf reading on a Friday night, am I ?!

Yes, you're right it is exciting. I've just got to wipe the slate and try to forget our 'history.'

Alcoholics and junkies will say and do rotten things they can't take back.

Perhaps now he's sober, he's realised a few things. It can be hard to forgive something like that, but would you prefer to have never heard his apology and explanation? Underneath his drink problem, there may be a great brother.

And if not, what have you lost?

Oh I hope so, DententionGrrrl. I've always felt a bit light in the 'kith and kin' department, apart from the lovely family I now have with DH.

And for my brother's sake I hope it works out. I'd love to have a big brother I can call on.

My SIL has said that he's a lot less 'angry' with everything. That he's easier to live with.

Oh what a nasty comment Bubble. That will probably always affect your relationship. Unfortunately, it is up to you really how much you let it. He's said it, its past, he is trying to be different. I think you'd be within your rights to bring it up as a discussion one day, so that hopefully talking it through might make it less painful.

Basically he has made a very brave move talking to you like this. You need to give it all a chnace and see how things develop. Try not to expect too much and hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised. I hope it will be a positive thing!

Hope you are all well! Sorry I didn't see you a few weeks ago.

Not exactly the same but my brother has to a major extent cut himself off from his family. As far as I know there has been no falling out or anything like that....

He went to NZ five years ago to spend 6-12 months there, met a local girl shortly after he arrived, got engaged after a few months(which is when we first heard about her), married a few months later and has never been back home. We now have virtually no communication from him (and this is NOT how he used to be...) Without boring you with all the details he has changed so much from the brother we grew up with I do worry that something serious is going on (like drink or drugs or maybe just money problems). My sister also thinks his wife may have mental health problems - sister went to visit them (from here) after their baby was born, mainly to see the baby, when she arrived SIL had "gone away" with the baby and never got a straight answer from my brother why (it was also brothers 30th birthday)

I think it is very common for people to stay out of touch with their families and friends when things are not going well - a friend has an uncle who went to Canada and then stopped contacting his family, he turned up out of the blue after decades away, again his life had not been going well in that time...

I keep hoping we WILL get our brother back - when my kids are older I hope we can scrape the money together to go to visit. I think my brother wil only come back here (even for a holiday) if he splits up from his wife - she is afraid of flying and told my mother she would not let brother go on a plane ever again - imagine how hurtful this must have been for my mother (he is her only son too...)

Sorry if this has hijacked your thread....

Aw bubble, that's a big thing to cope with (or maybe I should put 'big' just to validate your use of quotes )

Not really the same, but my youngest brother, since he became a father, has become much closer to me. He also sees the less-than-perfect relationship between myself and my mum (better now, but pretty poor when I was growing up), and though half of me feels just so ... I dunno, 'validated' by his acknowledgement of how my mum is, it is also quite saddening. After all I can't just pretend to myself that it wasn't just me exaggerating or making it up. It's a double-edged sword really and does make for conflicting emotions.

Not sure if that helps at all

Floss, KTreePee, Miaou. Thanks for posting. Especially as I know you could be discussing much more interesting topics on a Friday night, like Peeing in Marks and Spencer.

KTreePee. That's not a hijack at all. It's relevant. It must be all the more difficult for you too, as you obviously had a relationship with your brother to lose in the first place. Mine has always felt like a stranger.

gosh bauble, it must be hard. I supposse you have to ask yourself if you want and need this relationship, which it seems you do. After losing a child and a sibling, it does sort of put things into perpsective, doesnt it?

I do want this relationship, Edmond. I just never thought it would ever happen, I suppose.

Bauble, I've had a kind of similar experience - I discovered a sister I never knew I had when I was 19. She had been adopted after my mother had an affair in her first marriage (all very soap opera-ish, you couldn't make it up stuff). Her arrival on the scene caused real problems in my family and was probably the catalyst for my own parents divorce (my dad hadn't known about her either!). Things were hard at first but we now have a fantastic relationship and I'm so glad to say she is my sister, we just somehow have a 'bond' that I can only really put down to blood being thicker than water iykwim. It sounds like getting to know your brother might be a very positive thing for you too. I hope so

I hope it will be positive too i supposse everyone deserves a second chance

It must be a shock to have him turning the world upside down like that. Even if it's (hopefully) going to be positive, it's still a huge thing to deal with. Not just changing the future but changing the past too.

I hope very much that this will turn out to be a good thing, that you'll gain a brother you never really had. But it'll take some getting used to. I haven't had to deal with anything quite like this (although discovering my mother was adopted when she was forty kind of threw everything we thought we knew about ourselves up in the air, I suppose). But I think one thing to think about is taking this very, very slowly and only dealing with what you can deal with at each step along the way, IYSWIM.

(Love the festive name btw.)

docket, I do envy you the 'bond' that you describe.

edam, you've got it. It's the changing of the past that's going to take some getting used to. For years I'd assumed that I was a waster and not 'worthy.' My brother has dealt with so many f*d up families through the course of his work and, in the light of his sobriety, has now realised that his own family set-up was dysfunctional as well. I suppose I feel vindicated to some extent.

aww bubble, that was a nasty comment he made but I would reiterate what other people have said, in that alcoholics are often very f*cked up mentally and come out with all sorts of rubbish.

It must be quite weird for both of you but I bet he is so relieved that you are allowing him to get back into your life