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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to I get my DH to notice me?

9 replies

violinflutetrumpet · 03/10/2015 14:48

DH is great. Very practical, sorts out car, house maintenance, bills. He also works hard and earns a good wage but always home before 5.30pm. He keeps fit and has time to do this in evenings before dc are in bed. I am SAHM and appreciate how lucky I am. This has always been a joint decision and DH specifically says he likes things how they are. He just has to go to work and when he gets home everything is relaxed, sorted and he doesn't have anything to do. However, I do feel he walks in, eats tea, talks about his work (boring after a while) and barely even looks at me. I had my hair done the other day - new style and DH didn't even realise until I told him. He seems preoccupied when I talk to him and kind of looks through me not at me. When I tried to tell him, he got annoyed, denied it and said I'd made him feel bad. I always make an effort with my appearance, keep slim and fit but wonder if he realises. The only time he is affectionate is in bed when he wants sex (3-4 times a week). He had a very cold unloving mother which I think hinders him from showing love. All I want is to be told I look nice, and the odd bit of affection during the day, just not sure how to achieve it.

OP posts:
Cherrybakewells1 · 03/10/2015 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SevenSeconds · 03/10/2015 15:36

OP, I think it would help you to read this book.

It sounds to me like your DH is showing you that he loves you in his own way (by his actions), but you're feeling unloved because you would like him to express himself more in words. This book might help you to start showing your love for each other in ways that the other person understands. Sorry if that sounds really corny Smile

XiCi · 03/10/2015 16:05

Do you do anything as a couple? Nights out, weekends away etc. From your post it sounds like he sees you as someone to make his life easier, more a housekeeper than a partner

Effendi · 03/10/2015 16:11

My husband is like this. My work mates noticed I'd had my hair done. He never does unless I tell him I'm going in advance.

He also never notices the small cosmetic procedure I have, Botox, fillers, peels etc.

I think he just doesn't 'see' me any more. TBH I don't really care

cuttingpicassostoenails · 03/10/2015 16:30

Ooohhh...you could be talking about my DH. Superb at practical support and will do anything in his power to make my life easier. He has spent the last week designing and making a new frame for my rocking chair, he always empties the loo cassettes (we live on a boat and this job is one of the nastier ones), nothing is too much trouble. He carries my handbag when we are out as well as all the shopping, takes the dog for a pee last thing at night, scapes the weed off the bottom of the boat, keeps me well supplied with wine in the evenings and never ever moans about me spending hours on mumsnet when the floor needs washing and the dishes are still in the sink.

Compliments! Hahahahaha...that gene is missing!

His dear mama was one of the least affectionate women I have ever met.

Sex is an expression of love but the romantic stuff seems to be regarded as a bit unneccessary.

My brother in law, on the other hand, showers my sister with compliments, surprise presents of flowers and chocolates, weekends away and other slushy stuff. He will also shag anything with a pulse and is bloody useless at DIY.

XiCi · 03/10/2015 19:37

Shock horror though, there are men who manage to do some domestic chores and notice their wives. For example I'm going out tonight, DH has told me I look beautiful
To me that means alot more than whether he empties bins or has mowed the lawn but each to their own. And there are alot of people that don't see sex as an expression of love, just as sex, so it's quite dangerous to assume that especially if you are not getting any other form of affection, attention or respect from your partner

SilverBadger · 04/10/2015 00:11

I suspect your DH has a condition known as "being English." He will find it difficult to express emotion (unless conected with football.)

Happily, the condition can be cured with gentle persuasion (not accusation) along the lines of "I really love it when you say nice things about me/my appearance." (NOT "I hate it when you don't."

And don't get too upset if he doesn't notice a new hairstyle. Men just don't. It simply isn't on their radar, because it isn't important to them.

springydaffs · 04/10/2015 01:23

Write him a letter telling him how you feel. Careful how you write it, don't attack - but tell the truth about how you feel. Your op sums it up well.

Ime it takes a while for things to sink in with men so wait a few days...

donajimena · 04/10/2015 08:59

sevenseconds even reading the blurb of that book is an eye opener. Good recommendation!

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