Can a failure at one relationship make your next one better?

[ravenmum]

My first proper relationship was with my husband of 20 years. Now it's broken up I'm all keen to learn from my mistakes - e.g. not assuming that your partner is happy just because he's never complained. My new partner also says that he has learned from his marriage - for example he's realised the importance of going out and doing things together. But does knowing what you could have done better really make a difference in your next relationship? Or do you just fall back into the usual pattern after a while? Anyone been there and done that?

I learned, definitely.

I think the biggest thing for me was to not to accept certain behaviours. I'm not talking about the big things either, more the small things that add up over time.

My last relationship was quite one sided in some ways - my partner was never abusive but there was a degree of being taken got granted and not being cherished. I think I was too much into the whole 'I'm independent and I don't need a guy to take me out for dinner' thing.

I'm still independent, but I'm much better now at saying what I want and need, and I've realised that sometimes I need to express that, because people aren't psychic!

My dh now does all those little things (cup of tea in bed for example) that really do add up.

So yes, I learned. Maybe some of it was me growing up, too? I certainly wouldn't see 20 years of marriage as a failure either - more that you were both likely very different people 20 years back.

Definitely; the same with every experience in life. Not so much a failure as an opportunity to learn. There's quite an emphasis on the books that you get on separation and divorce.

I also think that it's a sign that you're "over" your past relationships.

I agree with Skipton, could have written the post except my relationship history is different :)

I agree there is no "failure" in a relationship - it's not a test that you can pass if you act in a certain prescribed way, IYSWIM, it's a relationship between two people, it is two sided, and it's far more about the compatibility of you two than it is about what anybody does. Of course, there are things which you can do which are bad and things which are good, but to me those are very broad things (bad: compromise on your own morals, put up with things you are unhappy with, change yourself to fit the other person, put the other down, generally be an arse; good: communicate, listen, make other person happy, be considerate) - to take your example of going out and doing things together, that might be something that he has learned is important to him in relationships but it might not follow for everyone.

There's no formula for a good/bad relationship which works in all relationships, so I don't think there is such a thing as getting a relationship wrong either. I agree that perhaps you and your DH grew apart as you grew up rather than the relationship going wrong in some way. I'm always a little bit suspicious when people end up marrying the first person they ever have a relationship with because I wonder how you can know what you like if you're settling down with the first person. I didn't always think this way, though. I do think that breaking up or experiencing different relationship styles in the form of dating is very good for honing your experience of what you do/don't like and what you will/won't put up with (because nobody is ever going to be 100% perfect, but different people find different faults annoying vs tolerable.)

It's interesting that you say the lesson you feel you learned is not to assume. Do you think if you'd known he was unhappy it would have stopped him from being unhappy?

I don't know how things would have been different if I'd known he was unhappy, but at least it wouldn't just have dragged along, with me assuming that he was becoming the kind of guy who put his work first and didn't have much energy left for his family. I'm not actually sure I could have wormed anything out of him - but I didn't try, I thought I knew.

I think it would have been better if I'd tried some more relationships out, too - I thought it at the time, but also thought I was really lucky to have him and I'd be stupid to drop him just to try out others!

I don't think the entire marriage was a failure, but there was a definite lack of communication. I've also learned that people aren't psychic - and that telling them just once and thinking "now they know" is also not enough!

I learned, I was a complete doormat once- now I don't take shit at all. I don't ride roughshod, I always communicate and we compromise on certain things but the big dealbreakers in terms of relationships...I've not been that weak with man or friend since.

It's always good to learn from mistakes but I've seen people repeat, repeat, repeat. Constantly going from shoddy behaviour to shoddy behaviour without thinking 'I don't deserve this', which I find really sad and upsetting in the case of my friends, for them it stems from very low self esteem. It can be very hard to break out of that cycle, especially if you deny you are in it.

I think you either learn, or you just keep going back to that behaviour.

It works the other way too. One friend is a serial cheat, he still hasn't learned and now he's lost the woman he loves very deeply. Despite that, he still hasn't learnt.She gave him one more chance and he was a dick. I don't think he'll ever learn from his failure because he won't accept it's his issue.

Do you think your ex has learned?

I don't think my ex believes he made any mistakes.

Then he's doomed to repeat them which means his next relationship- unlike yours- will likely not be better.

Slightly different angle here : all.my ex's were cheaters I had to have a long hard chat to myself about what sort of man I was attracted to ..finally ended up with a good'un. ....so.i guess I learnt something from my earlier experiences .