Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Anyone no contact/very little contact with their mum?

18 replies

nocontact2015 · 02/10/2015 21:19

Last night my mum pushed me past the point im worried is no return!

She has always been very controlling and somehow manages to turn things around so that when she is wrong you end up feeling sorry for her.

Last night she kept asking DS about wanting a sweet, he didn't want one but she kept asking, maybe about 5 times, so I said, he already said no! Well she lost it, through the sweet so it bounced of the fire place and was ranting at me. Im bloody 38!!

This is normal for her to speak to me like crap, she has the ability to make me feel like a little girl again.

Anything decision wise I make with DC in the back of my mind I know I have to pass through her.

Choices I have made and not made I have had her in mind as to whether this would please her or not.

Im not sure im ready for completely no contact, but think I will back away, but how does this effect the relationship with DC?

OP posts:

nowayjose1 · 02/10/2015 22:14

I have no contact with my mother. She was very manipulating and emotionally abusive and also made me feel like I had reverted back to a child when I was with her. She scared the living day lights out do me. Constantly making decisions solely based on whether she would approve or not.

I gave her numerous chances which each time left me feeling miserable. Then I had my children age 3 and 5 and knew enough was enough, at some point she would have treated them as she treated me and I didn't want them to feel like I did.

Yes NC is a big step but my children haven't suffered at all. They get more than enough love for us and I'm a much less stressed out mum without her on the scene.

It's not nice having a mum like that I know how shitty it feels. Xx

Sweetsweetjane · 02/10/2015 22:36

Wow. I could have written nowayjose's post word for word. I'm much happier for cutting out my mother but of course there are times when I miss having a mum and a grandparent for my children (my dad is of equal if not more uselessness).
But I don't miss my mum, I miss what I never had . I don't want their toxic influence in mine or my children's lives.

AnyFucker · 02/10/2015 22:46

Minimal contact here. She is the one missing out.

GoodtoBetter · 02/10/2015 22:48

I've been NC with my mother for a year now. I didn't intend to, I was aiming for low contact and she guessed something was up and went totally batshit and started bombarding me with messages, e mails, calls, ranting and threatening to emigrate. Freaked me out. Then she just stopped, put her house on the market and moved thousands of miles away. Just like that. Was gone in under 3 months.
The reason I wanted to go LC was (partly) because she ranted and slagged me off to my brother and called me a shit mum, daughter, wife, said I'd had all her life savings and was a liar and stupid, etc etc. We were already a bit estranged after similar behaviour 3 years before but that's a whole other, giant long-running thread (it's on here somewhere).
It really fucking hurts sometimes but on the whole life is easier, calmer and happier without her in it.

shutupanddance · 02/10/2015 22:49

Me. My dcs aren't missing out. They are better off.

GoodtoBetter · 02/10/2015 22:50

Mine was beginning to make a favourite out of one of my DCs and ignore the other so I think they are better without that toxic influence. I have no doubt she would have attempted to turn her golden child gc against either me or Dh (she fucking hates my DH- competition). She's almost certainly got a narcissistic personality disorder.

shutupanddance · 02/10/2015 22:51

As sweet said. I miss what I never had. I would love to have normal parents and for dcs to have more gps but its not to be. But it is what it is. We just get on with it.

rosabud · 02/10/2015 23:44

I have very little contact with my mum and it's sad but not the end of the world. After many ups and downs over they years, I think the kindest thing I can say is that we have realised we are very different people who do not particularly enjoy each other's company. I do find it very sad that she does not make more effort to see DCs but she has other grandchildren that she is closer too and it is, perhaps, an inevitable result of our coolness towards each other. My DCs have other grandparents that they are close too. I have a wonderful wise aunt who I turn to in times of emotional need. I don't think you should persist in a relationship that is making you unhappy.

VimFuego101 · 02/10/2015 23:47

Me. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. I do feel a little bad for DS sometimes because we live abroad and don't see much of my family - but then I remember how she treated me and that she won't be much of a support for him anyway.

myown2feetaregreat · 02/10/2015 23:54

Another one here. Feel tremendous guilt as an only child to an elderly parent but I just can't do it anymore.

SSJ
But I don't miss my mum, I miss what I never had . I don't want their toxic influence in mine or my children's lives.

This exactly.

My childhood memories are of gaslighting and stonewalling, I've come to realise that some people are not capable of being a loving parent ,it's just not in them.

One day ,one of the attention seeking illnesses will turn out to be real and I will have to step up to the plate and I am dreading that day.

Awful , the Waltons she is not!

mandy214 · 03/10/2015 00:06

Very little contact at the moment. I miss the "highs" - when everyone was getting on and I feel very sorry for my DC and for my parents that they don't have a relationship that has been a big part of their lives for a long time.

But I don't miss the "lows" - the drama, the tears (mine), the conflict when we rowed and the criticism.

It was her decision to "take a step back" - although I'd apparently caused it. It's hard.

HerRoyalNotness · 03/10/2015 00:12

I don't. But it's easy as we live in different countries. Have not seen her in 8yrs.

I'm like the pp in that I miss not having a normal, loving parent, who only wants the best for their child, rather than wanting to know all of their life for bragging purposes or control.

One of my aunts asked me if she could send her pics of my DC and I said no. She said your mother is a stubborn mule, can't you let her back in? This from a mother who had NC with her eldest and missed out on her GC growing up too. No she is more than a mule, and the selfish, manipulative behaviour seems to run in their family

doleritedinosaur · 03/10/2015 00:23

I cut out my mother 14 years ago when I was 15.
We barely had a relationship, I got called an ungrateful cow for not wanting to live with her so she could get a 3 bed house but wanted to finish my GCSEs at my school.

She was very toxic, most of the family have cut her off now. She completely harassed me until I changed my number.

I've been told a lot & I am honesty better off without her in my life, she ruined it enough up until then. & now I'm a mother I can see the damage.
It seems hard in the beginning but if it's it right you'll be a lot happier.

GrammarTool · 03/10/2015 06:45

I have been NC with my mother since my STBXH and I split up in June.

My mother, although not truly 'toxic', has a habit of making everything about her. Ideally, when you tell your mum that you're splitting up with your husband, you'd like her to say something like 'Oh I'm so sorry! Are you ok? What can I do to help?' My mum said 'Oh NO! Why???' And when I said that it was for a lot of reasons, she said 'Well I hope that one day you'll see fit to tell me, as your mother, the reasons'. Well I just lost it (I think I had lots of stuff bottled up) and accused her of making it all about her. The conversation didn't end well.

Since then, she has not attempted to contact me directly - while I'm going through the most difficult time of my life. She just posts lots of things on her Facebook feed about honouring the parents who sacrificed so much for you, and about the terrible epidemic of adult children accusing their parents of narcissism, etc. Nicely martyr-style passive aggressive.

Get this- she contacted my ex to offer him her help looking after the kids, and to say how deeply worried she is about me, and how she doesn't even know how I'm doing or where I live. And the killer - that I've been refusing to reply to her emails and text messages!!! There have been no emails or text messages from her. She obviously thinks my ex and I don't speak.

So, how about emailing, calling or texting to ASK ME DIRECTLY where I live, how I am, or whether you could help ME with the kids?

So yeah, nc at the moment.

Aussiebean · 03/10/2015 07:06

Only contact I have is when she happens to be there while I am visiting family.

She has shown no interest in my son and while sad for him that his grandmother doesn't care, it is better for him that she doesn't. Because the attention she would give him would be horrible.

We are now moving back to England so he will be around family who are loving and want to be apart of his life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/10/2015 08:35

nocontact

It is of no consequence to her that you are now 38, she still sees you as being incapable and there for her to manage you.

Toxic parents more often than not make for being toxic as grandparent figures as well.

She was not a good parent to you, she will be a rubbish grandparent to your children. You need to protect them from such a malign influence like your mother. It will also not do them any favours at all to hear her speak to you as their mother like crap. Such people as well are not above making one child the favourite whilst the other is scapegoated. Such damage can happen too right in front of your very eyes.

If you are not ready for complete no contact I would ask why that is the case. She seems to bring nothing at all positive into your life and you would not have tolerated any of this from a friend.

I would counsel raising your boundaries a lot higher than they currently are re your mother and tell her what she deserves to know about your life i.e. nothing.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and consider posting too on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread.

vjg13 · 03/10/2015 11:25

Minimal contact, I do feel guilty in that she is very ill now and it is left to others to care for her and have that responsibility.

pocketsaviour · 03/10/2015 11:27

Here is a link to the Stately Homes Thread

As well as Attila's recommendation of Toxic Parents I would also suggest If You Had Controlling Parents by Dan Neuharth.

I have been NC with my mum since Jan this year when I finally realised she was never going to step up and be a good grandparent to my son. He deserves better. I deserved better. It is sad that I do not have the loving mum that other people have, but I'd rather have no mum than a draining, belittling, controlling one.

Flip