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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Exhausted from DH talking my ear off!

46 replies

Puffinella · 02/10/2015 16:59

I'm a relatively quiet person. I enjoy my own company, and am happy in silence. When I've been quiet all day, it takes a while to adjust to conversation. Currently I'm at home all day with DS, who's 1, and not talking; therefore I spend most of the day talking to him but not really having conversation. Then DH comes home from work, and he talks incessantly! I've told him lots of times that I can't cope with full-blown chat immediately, but he just can't help himself!

As soon as he comes in, he interrogates me about my day - what did I do, who did I talk to, did I talk to my mum at all, what did I have for lunch etc etc. If something has moved in the house it's "Oh, you moved that, why did you move that?". If I buy different milk from usual I get " How come you bought that milk and not the usual milk? ". He's not being accusing as such (though it feels that way); he's just really really nosey about everything! Half the time he doesn't even listen to what I say; he just hits me with 4 questions in a route, and then asks 2 of them again a minute later.

Then he talks about his day in painful detail. Literally, practically every conversation he had. With the best will in the world, I really don't care that much about the people he works with - I don't know them, and I don't even really know who's who. It doesn't help that he's bad at telling stories - he'll either give way too much detail (recently described an entire episode of a tv show, when the point of the story was that his friend's son had learned a swear word from it), or he'll not give enough (" I had to move a load of boxes, so I phoned downstairs to see if someone could help, and they sent Janice!" (name changed, obviously), and then he'll go off laughing his head off while I try to work out what's funny, before he eventually calms down, and I ask, and he says "Janice has a broken arm!" as if I'm meant to know that!).

So within 10 minutes of him getting home I'm generally exhausted, annoyed, and can't be bothered! Does anyone else have a similar problem? What can I do? I know he just wants to tell me his news, but I feel like he doesn't care how exhausted it makes me!

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 02/10/2015 17:07

Oh god he sounds like an utter bore. My DH goes into too much detail about work and doesn't care whether I'm in the mood to listen or not. My advice is give up on being polite and tolerant - tell him to skip to the punchline, wander off mid-story, or just get on with something else at same time (MNetting on phone is my favourite). Bores need to be given a clear message.

Original poster

Puffinella · 02/10/2015 17:11

I've started asking "Is this relevant?" when he goes into too much detail (eg when he's describing in great detail where the conversation took placeplace, and the main point is "It was somewhere quiet"). That kind of gees him along. But, fundamentally, some of the stories are quite dull. I think he gets it from his dad, who is incredibly boring, especially when talking about work. I don't mind the odd story, but not all at 3000 words per minute for 15 minutes!

OP posts:

Joysmum · 02/10/2015 17:19

Have you ever said woah, slow down, you're doing my head in'?

Tootsiepops · 02/10/2015 17:28

My husband does this. I say it with a smile, but I very pointedly tell him I'm not interested.

moopymoodle · 02/10/2015 19:48

I think it's actually really rude to dismiss somebody like that! At least he's interested in your day, it's normal to have things to say when he comes home. So you want him to not create conversation unless you say so?

SolidGoldBrass · 02/10/2015 20:21

If he's otherwise nice and lovable, can you ask him to (for instance) give you half an hour or so when he comes in from work before he starts talking at you? Or set a timer so that when he's been jabbering for 20 minutes it pings and he has to shut up?

It is pretty tiring to live with someone who talks incessantly, because people who talk a lot very rarely have anything interesting or important to say. My DS will go on and on and fucking on about Minecraft if allowed - I frequently tell him to shut up because I have heard enough on the subject, and remind him that other people are not as interested in it as he is. My mum also goes on and on about her neighbours (who I don't know) and celebrities who are of no interest to me. I think it's generally worthwhile pointing out to people that they are boring you, or they will carry on doing it.

cozietoesie · 02/10/2015 20:33

Has he always been like this or has it started recently?

Original poster

Puffinella · 02/10/2015 20:38

I've told him he's doing my head in, but it's line he can't help himself! He'll ask why I'm being grumpy, and then he'll carry on

moopy, I don't want to dismiss him! But the thing is, he's not really listening to me - just firing off questions! And he tells me so much stuff that i can't even take it in. Once he's home a while he sort of calms down, and then he'll sometimes tell the stories again, but at more manageable rate.

Solid, I think asking him to go upstairs and get changed while I make a cup of tea for us both might be helpful. Not a full half hour (he wouldn't cope!), but even a few minutes for him to relax a bit might help.

OP posts:

Original poster

Puffinella · 02/10/2015 20:39

Always, cozie! He's generally lovely the rest of the time!

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 02/10/2015 20:39

Only a bore would think you should be grateful to be bored by a bore

Tootsiepops · 02/10/2015 21:50

My husband admits that he has trouble picking up on body language that suggests the person he's speaking to is not interested / not listening / distracted. As long as I'm kind about it, he prefers it if I tell him to shush rather than him waffling on boring the living daylight savings out of me about things bridges / bus timetables / trains

TheSilveryPussycat · 02/10/2015 22:20

I have express permission to say Shut the Fuck Up DP - I don't do it too often as I quite often don't mind, or even enjoy, his endless talk. But when I do say it, he does - and takes no offence.

Although sometimes he does it over Bake Off to annoy me - but I always watch with subtitles

Topseyt · 02/10/2015 22:48

What would happen if you just pottered about doing stuff and not paying him any particular attention? Would he just carry on talking regardless?

There are some people who don't really seem to think others are even alive if there isn't some inane drivel spouting forth from their mouths.

My DD3 can be a bit like this. When she was very young it was a standing joke that you could even leave the room and come back a few minutes later. She would still be blethering on about whatever she had set her mind on, and wouldn't even seem to have noticed you had gone.

I can forgive it in a small child though. In an adult it would drive me crackers.

lorelei9 · 03/10/2015 13:25

my mum does this
I have tried "Is this relevant?" but she got upset and said "If you won't listen, it's like you don't want me to talk to you". I don't get it either, but I just let her blither on and only use "is this relevant?" when I'm really short on patience. I don't see her more than once a fortnight though I try to cut phone chats short for the same reason.

so I feel your pain but sadly I think such people just need to waffle on. Perhaps we need to tune them out and hope the relevant stuff filters into our brains.

Isetan · 03/10/2015 13:26

DD (8) has verbal diarrhoea too and I totally get your frustration and annoyance, it's like every silence needs to be filled.

Our compromise is, if I am in the middle of something that requires focus, then it's a bad time. Mealtimes, the walk to and from school, bus journeys, just before bed etc are all fine. I've explained that I am totally interested In her day but my ability to process and prioritise what she says is impaired when my brain is busy with other stuff, at those times, 'do I need to know right now?' is the consideration.

lorelei9 · 03/10/2015 15:06

Pufinella " If I buy different milk from usual I get " How come you bought that milk and not the usual milk? ""

a PS - that is the type of thing that drives me mad. I mean, the answer is never going to be "Because there was a big red dragon guarding the shelf with the usual milk....and I tried to grab some anyway, but it swatted me with a huge heavy tail, right on the noggin....and then I passed out....and then the manager came along and "look, no one can get past the dragon, just buy a different milk, okay, and we'll give you £5 voucher for your next shop here", and so I agreed, now darling could you find some arnica for my head?".

I just do not understand why anyone would ask such a dull question. but mum really wants to hear "because they didn't have it..." "because this was on offer". I don't get it, but she thinks it's conversation.

Original poster

Puffinella · 04/10/2015 15:44

I keep replying and then discovering my replies haven't posted, sorry! If I potter off to do something else, he either follows me, or just picks up where he left off when I come back. If I play on my phone he keeps talking (and I feel rude!).

He really is someone who has to fill every silence. I suffer from anxiety, and several times he's tipped me over into a fully-blown panic attack by just talking non-stop at me while I'm trying to wind myself down. I've told him many times that I need quiet to process when I'm anxious, but he can't stop!

He's from a big family, and they spend all their time taking over each other, so that's maybe where he gets it from!

I like Lorelei's idea though - might try that some time! He probably wouldn't be listening enough to notice, though!

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 04/10/2015 19:51

Puffin, please try that with the milk, I'd love to hear the response

Fugghetaboutit · 04/10/2015 19:56

If he's always been like this then yabu to procreate and marry him if you hate it so much. That's who he is.

Squishyeyeballs · 04/10/2015 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/10/2015 22:16

OK if you have asked him nicely to stop and that hasn't worked, it's OK to be rude. Say 'Stop talking at me.' If he doesn't stop, go out of the room, into another one and close the door.
If he follows you and carries on yapping, then I'm afraid this is an indication of abuse. Given that you say you have had panic attacks on more than one occasion because he's up in your face yapping, I think there is possibly a bigger problem than him just being a boring witterer.

IrishDad79 · 05/10/2015 12:34

SolidGoldBrass
"If he follows you and carries on yapping, then I'm afraid this is an indication of abuse."

Abuse??!! Wind your neck in, would you.

LineyReborn · 05/10/2015 13:24

IrishDad It's fair enough to ask for an explanation of what SGB wrote, but there is no need to be unpleasant like that. This is the Relationships board, not AIBU and certainly not some sort of fight club.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/10/2015 16:34

Someone who follows a partner from room to room, talking at them when the other person is trying to escape, quite often is abusive. I suggested the possibility because the OP says she has had anxiety attacks because this man won't stop talking at her despite her asking him to leave her alone. He's not a child - however much he wants to talk he should be able to shut the fuck up when asked to do so. It's clear he's not communicating anything important in this constant yapping, it's just over-fondness of the sound of his own voice - and her need for a bit of head space does trump his need to bang his gums endlessly.

Stormtreader · 05/10/2015 17:17

Get some large headphones, tell him you need 5 minutes of quiet, put them on. If nothing else works, maybe talking at someone wearing massive yellow ear defender headphones will.

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