Separating when DH works abroad/finances/lies!

[rosepepper2010]

Don't know where to start with this one as if I write everything the post would be pages long but….

I moved back to the UK without my DH after years of a very unhappy marriage but we did not officially split up.

He said he would send money and to cut a long story short we were going to buy a house so the children could have a nice home.

I have had to move from one side of the world to the other - no help at all from him. My poor and amazing children have had to make new friends, start new school and live in a totally new environment!!! No help at all from him!!!! They have done brilliantly though.

I have no friends or family here and am totally on my own.

He has repeatedly expected me to pay the full amount of the deposit (from money I had from before we met) however i am reluctant to do this as if he lost his job (which he has done many times) I could lose all my savings.

He earns a lot but is sending me about half what I need per month with some excuse or another.

He finally agreed to pay half the deposit at the beginning of the week and has now decided to stonewall (ignore is that the right expression) me since as I think he has agreed to it and now regrets saying he will pay.

I cannot eat or sleep as he handles everything so badly and is leaving me and the children not knowing what the hell we are doing.

It is looking like I may have to rent a small flat for just us and get a job. The problem is I am not qualified for anything and not living in an area where there are well paid jobs (we moved here as it is cheap and in theory his salary would give us a good life here if he actually gave us some of it)

I just cannot believe he could treat us like this (well actually I can) but why do some men feel no responsibility for their children.

He is a prolific liar and I would say mentally and financially abusive. But then I think 'is it me?' although my friends all think he is definitely not right!!

Don't even know what i'm asking really - maybe just for you to say it will work out and be alright??

Where did you move from?
Is your husband a citizen there?
Did you comply with any legal LTR protocols?
When are you initiating separation / divorce proceedings?
In what country are you initiating them?
Do you have copies of financial records Inc pensions etc. ?
Does the country you are initiating proceeding in in have any legal juristiction or cooperation with the country your husband is resident of?
And what about vice versa?
This includes international conventions such as Hague.
Are his previous financial committments to you verbal or written ... Notarized?
How long married and how long ago DoD you exit that country?

This information would be necessary to evaluate your situation. I do appreciate it's sensitive, but international breakdowns esp with kids are complicated.

Best wishes.

I am really sorry about your situation. Obviously, you need to make your separation official and formalise any agreement you have on him paying child support, this will be best done with legal advice.

You also say the problem is I am not qualified for anything. Did you not work at all between finishing school and being married? How did you support yourself in that period? And could you not go back to that work to supplement what you might get from benefits and from child support from him?

Where are you living at the moment?

Given his unpredictability and lack of honesty so far, I'd be very reluctant to enter into any mortgage agreement with this man, especially as you're still married so he'd have a 50% claim on any property bought together.

You cannot rely on this man to look after his children. I think you need to re-evaluate what you can afford and then pursue a financial settlement through a solicitor that may then allow you to afford to buy a home for you and the DCs.

If he plans to continue living abroad, don't hold your breath for him to pay maintenance. There's no way of legally enforcing him to do so if he resides abroad, afaik.

Have you any family or friends here in the UK?

Thanks internationalespionage - I don't know what a lot of those things mean. What is LTR protocols? Basically we are both British and I am now back in UK after long time in the Middle East.

Deamon - I did work but the work was not of a nature that I could continue as it was all international travel and I am here now with 2 kids and no one to help with childcare. I ran my own business in Middle east which I sold and it is not a business that is relevant to UK. So I am kind of Jack of all trades if you like and master of none. I am hard working and no I would be OK once I get going but who would employ me initially :0((((

Pocketsavior - I think your right my stomach is churning but I don't think we can proceed with the mortgage and house he is too unpredictable and I cannot risk it for the children.

Wicked wax - I don't really have any friends but the mums at school seem nice and am sure i will make some. I just can't concentrate to speak to new people at the moment as i feel so upset about it all.

Does anyone know if you get a legal separation if that means he would have no claim on any house i buy for me and the children?

or would he only have no claim if we were divorced?

Thank you for your help so far!

also I don't think i would be entitled to benefits as I do have savings but if i bought a house i wouldn't - I also would have nothing to live off either.

How can I find out?

Espionage is right, this will be really complicated because of the international aspect. Do you have a solicitor? Because you need one. You would not be able to enforce any agreement you reach, so you need a legally binding and enforceable child support and division of assets order. Get a solicitor and start the formal process of divorce.

Also with him paying maintenance I think you're right it is unenforceable because he is still in Middle East?

I think his company is British or American does that make a difference does anyone know?

No Deamon, I was giving him until Tuesday to send the money and do the right thing.

He is ignoring me though and not responding to messages even about the children.

I suspect he is speaking to all the stupid sad gits in the pub all onto their 3rd marriages who are telling him "oh don't make my mistake I have nothing and my XW is living the life of riley…."

I think you'd need to see a solicitor regarding the legal separation status to get an accurate answer on that.

Does he have permanent resident status where he is now, or is just on a temporary work visa? Is the company he works for based in the middle east or is it British? If it's British you'd be able to get an attachment of earnings for on-going child maintenance, which it sounds like will be necessary.

Hello rose, LTR is Leave To Remove, that is a court order giving permission to remove children from country A with a view to setting them up in permant residence within country B without consent of both parents. Are your kids citizens of the middle eastern country (as well as UK, I assume)?

I don't know if the country you've moved from is a member or affiliate to the child abduction prevention agreement, but if I were you I'd most certainly gather evidence in writing to verify that your husband both agreed to you leaving with the kids and was a aware this was a perm relocation plan.

As for the rest, well you need to think what you want quickly. If you want a divorce, I would file in UK and aim for a lump payment on the basis that your husband cannot be relied upon to voluntarily pay up. you need to have all the financial evidence because he clearly won't be volunteering it and you're now too far away to search for it yourself. A court order would probably be issued yet be enenforcable by law in his country.

British employer? That would be nice...I'm sure you'd have a bit of cooperation asking a British employer to support resolution of a financial arrangement ordered by a British court. Ask the court to formalize that if necessary, altough it's not as clean as a lump sum and goodbye.

I would no way be buying a house now until the financials are sorted.

Sorry to be brief, typing on phone.

Hope you're ok, best of luck.

Thank you so much international and pocketsaviour.

Basically as it stands there is no money!!! Over the past few months before I left i realized he had emptied our joint bank account and is now denying that he said he had the money to start with. He got me taken off the joint account as well so I can't get into it (but lied and said I had asked for that because the red tape was too much trouble WTF???).

I have money (talking a meagre amount) from before I married and now my family are concerned that he will try to claim half of that!! Which is unbelievable as I just want to look after the children.

But very likely as he keeps referring to it as our joint account and a matrimonial asset??????

So basically all I am likely to get from him is a monthly payout but no one who knows him is holding out much hope for me unless he has a personality transplant!

I don't think there will be an issue with him trying to take children to Middle East as he is a lazy bastard who never did anything with them anyway but there might be an issue with him not bothering to come and see them at all!!

He has called them a couple of times since we returned a few months ago and my heart breaks that the kids feel they have to chase him and call him on skype!!!

Thanks Pocket - what is an attachment of earnings?

I guess you have to go to court to get it enforced?

I think I'm correct in saying that an attachment of earnings can only be applied if your h receives his salary from a company whose payroll is based in the UK and it's often the case that where companies employ workers overseas, their salaries are paid from local or offshore accounts which are outside the jurisdiction of the UK.

With regard to the differences between divorce and legal separation, this is one of the more concise accounts available on the net www.acitylawfirm.co.uk/legal-separation-divorce from which you will see that, while legal separation can protect assets accumulated since the date of separation, it's not a quick fix as the process can be as protracted as divorce.

As you sound like a remarkably resourceful woman I have no hesitation in telling you that, however it works out, it WILL be alright [smile}

My smile didn't work Here's another and to compensate for its absence

An attachment of earnings order is a means by which a debtor or reluctant payer can be compelled to pay by the relevant sum(s) being deducted from their salary at source by their employer who subsequently remits it to the authorising Court or government agency such as the CSA.

However, as said earlier, these orders cannot be applied or enforced where salaries are paid outside the jurisdiction of the UK.

Have you tried to get yourself reinstated on the joint account or asked for explanation from the bank in question as to why your name has been removed? From what you've said, it seems your h was able achieve your removal by lying to the bank and if you are able to obtain a copy of any document on which he may have forged your signature consenting/requesting that your name be removed, it may afford you some leverage in future financial negotiations.

If he's spending his leisure time with thrice married cronies who have a penchant for telling tall tales of financial loss through divorce you can expect him to endeavour to claim the clothes on your back, but that doesn't mean you'll go naked when what properly constitutes your joint marital assets are divided and it's more likely he'll walk away in his birthday suit

Thank you Goddess - you made me cry calling me resourceful!!

Don't feel resourceful at all feel panic stricken!

I can't go to bank it's in Middle East wouldn't get any sense form them if I was there never mind over the phone!

I wish i could think there would be a distribution of assets but he seems to have got rid of any money he had and we don' t own any property. We were just about to buy a house but he won't put any money in - expecting me to pay full deposit! win win for him and potentially I could lose everything.

Bastard!! having an angry day today will be more positive tomorrow.