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Relationships

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Original poster

The surprisingly single man

40 replies

bridie69 · 01/10/2015 22:21

When some men or indeed women say they are single it is sadly obvious why. But there are others who it kind of surprises me, nothing obviously wrong, say they have been looking, but nothing..ever come across this sort?

OP posts:

Walkacrossthesand · 01/10/2015 22:37

I beg to differ. It's rarely obvious why someone is single - I've worked with some very 'unprepossessing' people that I assumed were single, only to find they were long-term married. And vice versa.

Threefishys · 01/10/2015 22:42

Interestingly, I was telling a friend I'd not seen for a while about my new(ish) partner of nearly a year - how lovely he was etc etc to which she commented "Wonder why was he single then" I didn't know how to answer that because the answer is simply for the same reason I was - his last relationship had ended?! There seems to be some inference that there is something wrong with you if you're single and you must be somehow a better person if you're in a relationship. Which is weird given the nature of a lot of couples.

Flowerpower41 · 02/10/2015 05:08

I prefer singledom I find relationships highly stressful and not at all pleasurable. I have lived with 4 men over the years and have never felt happy in the relationsihp.

Single can be a lifestyle choice and a preference we aren't socially unskilled or social pariahs!! I relish my independence just miss a man for some handy diy support and some handy sexual supply! Other than that being single is infinitely preferable to my mind.......

My ex has put me off relationships to begin with and as we get older the talent dwindles to nought. They are all renting and have no prospects plus are ugly or overweight or chavs. Like the op says it is obvious why they are single. They are hardly a catch. No chat up lines or conversational skills small wonder they are on their own!

I just don't like the headache of a relationship I have been unlucky with all four and wouldn't go there again. I am not bitter just highly put off.

wtffgs · 02/10/2015 05:18

Yes, most singles are ugly, sad losers whereas married people are all marvellous............

Flowerpower41 · 02/10/2015 05:40

As one further comment there are more attractive single women out there than there are attractive single men. Men just do not value their appearance figure or looks nearly as much as us fine ladies. Sorry chaps to any guys reading this! Go and look in the mirror and groom up!! :)

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 02/10/2015 08:17

Ah, a few weeks away from MN and I see the sweeping generalisations are still alive and well. Thanks, Flower, and far be it from me to disagree with you, but as a single man I can honestly say I have been shocked lately (giving online dating and Tinder another go) to find that there are large numbers of women who also need to value their appearance and looks and "groom up" (or the female equivalent)

Orangeanddemons · 02/10/2015 08:31

Actually I agree with FlowerPower.

ToGoBoldly · 02/10/2015 08:31

Finding someone who is appropriate for a relationship with you is the luck of the draw. Some people are single through choice, some people just haven't met the right person. There are fine men and fine women who are single, they might not want to be but it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them. Apart from they have to suffer tools who insist they must be in some way deficient because they don't have a partner. But the single person bejng judged is not the one with the deficiency, here.

CalonDu · 02/10/2015 08:32

I know plenty of single people, men and women, whom I think are lovely and yet aren't in a relationship. There's nothing 'wrong' with them. I'm always more surprised by the idiots and drama queens who've somehow managed to find another person to put up with their bollocks.

but since you ask...

he works in a long-hours, high-stress job that doesn't leave time for dating
he's just split up from a long term relationship and is taking his time to get over it
he hasn't met someone he clicks with and don't like wasting other people's time by stringing things out
he just isn't into relationships and prefers his own company, or gets his human contact from mates
he's a serial dater
he has hidden qualities that make women run a mile, eg, over-protective mother, will only eat soya, still in love with first girlfriend
he's become incredibly fussy and when it comes down to it is only interested in dating size 12 blondes with green eyes and a PhD who speak Japanese and like stock car racing and no one else will do
he's become incredibly wary of being 'the surprisingly single man' and thus the prime target of all married friends eager to set up him with their much larger selection of surprisingly single women

suzannecaravan · 02/10/2015 08:47

?It's social conditioning, we are trained to see coupledom and cohabitation as the optimal way to live, and singledom as a liminal zone which we pass through en route to the next relationship.

There are pro's and cons to each set up, obviously.
Possible the financial advantage is one of the biggest drivers...2 can live as cheaply as one etc??

Gabilan · 02/10/2015 08:55

Anyone can pull, it's just a question of lowering your standards enough. Or at least that's what I tell people looking for the "flaw" that makes me single. It's either that or start unpicking their relationship and oddly enough people object to that.

Flowerpower41 · 02/10/2015 09:21

I don't find being single at all stressful if is much nicer than living with a horrid partner.

When I don't cope well is when there is an occasional pile up of diy tasks that all need seeing to at once or there is a temporary financial hiatus.

Or when I am sick on my own. As ds is only ten years of age and not much help yet bless him lol.

shovetheholly · 02/10/2015 09:30

Whaaaaaa?

I am a bit at the assumption that people who are single have been left on the shelf for a reason.

That's just not true. I have friends who are single because they want to be, they enjoy it and they are fiercely independent. They aren't unattractive or ungroomed. They just like being on their own. One of these friends of mine is in a long-term relationship and she is absolutely adamant that she wants to keep her house and her singleton patterns of behaviour, because that's how she is happiest. And power to her elbow.

And I have friends who are single because they are the victims of infidelity, or simply married the wrong person, or grew apart from a partner over time. Some are single because, sadly, a partner has died. There is nothing "wrong" with these people that makes them single. Those who want to will, I am sure, find new happiness and new partners in time.

The idea that alarm bells should be ringing because they are over the age of 28 and not with someone is crazy.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 02/10/2015 09:30

I was actually very surprised to find my now fiancé on a dating site (having used them myself on and off for years). He was handsome, great job, kind, no baggage. I binned him countless times as I just wasn't convinced we were suited but thankfully he wouldn't give up on me and we are now together and very happy.

I think sometimes women can't see a great catch when they are in front of them and seemed hooked on meeting the kind of men that treat them horribly. I was convinced he was too smart and too corporate for me, once I got to know him he is just a normal person and we are actually really similar.

lorelei9 · 02/10/2015 09:32

I have a weird theory - I like being single and find people look at me askance when told that.

so I wonder how many of these people are just saying what they think society wants to hear. It gets tiring being put under a microscope because of enjoying being single. I'm finding it's better as I get older but in my 30s it was like I was some sort of freak.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 02/10/2015 09:52

lorelei I was single pretty much from 20 through to 34 would you believe with the odd short term dalliance in that time. It bothered everyone else SO much more than it ever did me.

Apparently behind my back the consensus was that I was a lesbian

lorelei9 · 02/10/2015 09:57

Whoknew - I believe it, I had 2 LTRs in my 20s, then in my 30s, just a couple of dalliances which I largely kept quiet from friends and family.

I have no doubt the same has been said of me. I also made the comment I made because I have noticed happy singletons who say stuff like "never say never" but they are clearly enjoying their single lives just as much as I am and I think they are just wary of the stupid slew of questions you get if you say you really like being single.

I've been told "you don't like your life as a singleton, you just really enjoy life". Bollocks, I'm not a "life enjoyer" at all, much more like Bernard Black thinking we slave and suffer and expire and die etc. I corrected them and said "no, being single is one thing I REALLY enjoy about life". People find it weird, even close ones.

Before I turned 40 I used to get "How's your love life?" and my parents are often told I must have a secret partner they don't know about.

so yes, I can't help wondering how many of these "surprising" singletons just enjoy being single but cba with the faff of saying it.

SurlyCue · 02/10/2015 09:57

there are others who it kind of surprises me, nothing obviously wrong

Are you saying that anyone who is single is because there is something wrong with them? Either obvious or not.

Sighing · 02/10/2015 10:23

The longest period of my life as a single was when I finally got a bit of self respect and stopped having relationships with very flawed / damaging individuals. Once I spent time for myself I did eventually find a wonderful match. Funnily enough. Someone who'd been mostly always single, very self assured guy - I've met people who want to know how I 'nabbed' him. I was open, honest and blunt. None of the schoolyard flirting and posturing.

Sighing · 02/10/2015 10:24

To me, a single person is nore likely to know their own mind ifyswim.

Bant · 02/10/2015 10:24

I think you could turn it around and say that some people are in relationships which are doomed to failure, where they're treated badly, ignored, abused, and generally shat upon because they're desperate to not be single. Because there's something wrong with them.

I was quite happy being single and dating after my marriage broke down several years ago, I was looking for the right person but not desperate to settle, and getting on with my work and my kids and friends in the meantime.

But to think there was something wrong with me because I was single, had standards, and had learned my lessons about who not to be with with, what not to put up with - that I'd rather be single than settle for someone who wasn't right for me - well that's just ridiculous.

Now I'm happy in a relationship, I've met someone pretty damned fantastic. But it took me time to find her and I didn't want to settle for some of the crazy, self-obsessed, alcoholic, entitled numpties I met whilst dating.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 02/10/2015 10:46

Nope I haven't

But I've come across many who can't get the head round at the thought that someone could be perfectly happy being single.

Is that why people stare at me at school run (not that I give a crap) but they wondering what is wrong with me as to why I'm single, I actually would find that funny

Flowerpower41 · 02/10/2015 11:36

I speak as an erstwhile serial wife I totally prefer the singledom life I know single parenting can be stressful but so is living with a man I was never happy with any of my partners and I prefer and cherish my much prized independence I am way more emotionally strong than I ever was and get as much casual sex as I need and get all the paid diy support and gardening (again paid) support that I need to. What else is the point of a man? I fail to see the attraction!! Apologies to any guys who are reading this I value you men as a friend but not as a boyfriend ...... :)

Bant · 02/10/2015 11:48

What else is the point of a man?

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 02/10/2015 12:39

Flower that's twice you have "apologised" to the guys on this thread for some sweeping generalisation or put down.

I'm with Bant. Have a . Blimey, think that's the first I've ever awarded anyone.

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