too many issues, mental health related too

[verydownnow]

I am posting in relationships, obviously, as I think its where lots of my problems are. but I do have depression, so if you are affected or don't want to read about depression please be warned - its here and not pretty. sorry I have nc, I don't want to identify anyone else. this will probably be long sorry.

background is ;Moved away(200 miles) 20 years ago to live with ex, ran away from an abusive relationship in hometown actually. Lived with ex for 3 years, he wanted dc, I did not, found out I was pg with twins, he dumped me and kept our house, I went into a hostel. I had put proceeds of my previous house into our purchase, wasn't on the mortgage. I got a council place, bought it, bought a house, brought dts up alone. some input from their df. we get on pretty well now. My parent moved to the same place as me, good dear ps and gps but now both dead. no sibs.

I decided to come back to home town and when looking for places to buy met up with best friends brother. we got together and I was so happy. I felt safe as he was her bro, we dated briefly years ago. he promised me everything and kept talking about "when you move, when we are together all the time". I lost the house I was buying, now in rented. Just as was moving he was starting rows, I got a random friend request on fb from a girl he knew. essentially he dumped me in a cruel way, he is now planning to marry the girl he "wasn't" cheating with.

I have severe depression, had it before, I'm on med which help a bit and having cbt which has not helped at all. I feel like I am not good enough for anyone. he told me I was messy and disorganised. I know everyone is better than me but I don't know how to change. I am lonely and sometimes I just want to be with my mum. I have hardly dated any men, I don't feel safe with them, but when I feel safe with one they hurt me . I nursed my mum through a terrible illness, in the end I wanted her to go, she was racked with pain, but god I miss I her. I'm back in my childhood town and it hurts. I want to not be here or anywhere. I'm sorry I know there are peoplewith real problems, but time feels like it is rushing away. Can anyone help please, being on here has helped more than the cbt. thank you x

I don't think everyone is better than you.

I think you have been through a hell of a lot, and achieved a lot as well: raising twins, escaping abuse, buying and selling properties, nursing an ill parent at the end of her life, and generally living and learning. It's a full life, where you rose to meet lots of challenges, and you can be proud of yourself.

I'm glad you've arranged some support for yourself: glad the meds help, and if CBT isn't for you, there are other therapies or therapists. See which ones might suit you better.

What other kind of RL support do you have? Friends you can skype? Friends you can have coffee with? Nature to walk in? Something to build or write dig or volunteer at?

oh and when dts were small got a degree and worked, now off on sick allowance, esa, suggested by my doctor.

Well, I'll add obtaining a degree and holding down a job to your list of achievements above.

Fantastic that you have a supportive doctor. Don't feel guilty about being on sick leave: if you need it, you need it. Everybody needs a break and breather now and then. You can't run on empty. It's ok to devote yourself to taking care of yourself for a while.

Thank you rice I don't agree, but thank you. well I don't have much rl support. when I lived away me and df and dm, would visit an see loads of family, aunts uncles cousins, but I feel like a burden to them, they are not keen to see me. have a cousin I'm very close to who is great, but she has a lot on, but still makes time for me. my friend whos bro I dated is probably my best friend, but its awkward now. she is on my "side" but it honestly don't want that - he is her only sibling, they need each other. I work with children, do you think I could volunteer with them while off sick with depression?

Depression is a bitch. I know how real it feels, all those thoughts of not being worth anything. But those thoughts can lift, and some day you'll feel differently: without self-hate, just a generally lovely and generally flawed human being like all of us. And that will be real.

I think that volunteering helps the volunteer as much as the person being ostensibly helped, and it draws a lot of people who have depressive tendencies and who know that helping others draws them out of themselves in a fulfilling way. So if you like the idea, do look for volunteering opportunities where you are.

Anything that involves physical activity would probably help a lot too. Is there a BCT group near you? A Sunday spent in brisk Autumn weather hacking at shrubs and building bonfires, in good company, with tea breaks, is one of the most uplifting things I know.

And all the other guidelines of self-care: get a decent night's sleep every night. Cook yourself healthy meals. Exercise, breathe fresh air. Speak to at least one actual human being every day. Schedule appointments with a therapist. And if you don't feel like doing any of that, just go through the motions. It will feel plodding and bleak at times, but just plod to that coffee date or plod to the hob to cook a fresh soup, and give yourself credit for that.

and art and beauty, if that's your thing! Seek poetry, books you love, galleries, music... Drink your favourite tea in your favourite cup while enjoying your favourite form of art.

Try meditation, , for example, to get in touch with something other than the dark voices in your mind.

And if you have a dog, or one you can borrow from a neighbour, I highly recommend dog walks and cuddles and games of slobber-ball...

thank you I will look at volunteer opportunities. I have looked before, but I get so far an give up, but I will arrange something definite. think it will help, I miss where I used to work, even though that was stressful - but I loved it

And I'm happy to hear you have people to reach out to, like your cousin and friend. Don't worry about "being a burden", or of people "taking sides" -- they're grown ups. If they can't see you for whatever reason, they will tell you. You are always entitled to reach out and ask for some of their time.

I have some cats, and I have put my name down for exercising rescue dogs. thank you for the link, I will definitely use it x

Loving your job is a real plus. You are lucky - the vast majority of people hate their work or merely tolerate it. It's good you have that to look forward to, for when you are feeling stronger.

See, you're doing so many great things for yourself already: researching volunteer options, putting your name down to walk rescues... That's really smart, and it's very hard and very brave to do that at a time when you're feeling down and having to fight through so much self-sabotage.

I really think you have a lot to be proud of.

thank you. it makes me cry when anyone says anything positive, but I find it difficult to believe. I believe it when I hear bad stuff, him saying I was messy has got me in a right state. I never want people in my house, when my cousin has called in she said its nice and welcoming. I am going to do the meditation and try and focus on the positive x

cry in a good way! ifyswim

I do, and I understand.