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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to rekindle a relationship without looking like a pushover

24 replies

whitershadeofpale · 01/10/2015 18:17

I was started seeing a guy around a year ago. Everything was going really well and I felt more comfortable and totally myself around around him than I have with anyone before.

In February of this year it became obvious that the timing wasn't right for the relationship as I was more ready to commit to something serious (there were no other people involved or anything like that). We discussed it and made the decision that it was best for the time being to be friends. I made it clear at the time that although I'd like to be friends (we got on really well as mates) I wouldn't be hanging around waiting for him. All completely fine with him although he was in quite a low place at the time.

Since then we've met for coffee twice and messaged each other occasionally, just general friendly chat and not long conversations. A little while ago I was in an accident and he'd messaged me s few times checking how I was and also offering any help I might need. A few weeks ago we agreed to meet up now I'm a bit more mobile. This week he messaged to arrange things but the messages have been very different; they're flirty (more than they were when we were together) and he want to meet where we went in our first date and he's reminisced a lot about how great it was/ how he knew he liked me straight away/ how easy the conversation was even though he was nervous etc. This was on Tuesday and since then he's been messaging me pretty constantly through the days (although just general non flirty stuff now).

I'm meeting him on Saturday and I'm pretty sure that he is going to tell me that he now feels ready to commit to pursuing a relationship.

I would like to give things another go but how do I go about it without looking like I have just been waiting (I haven't but haven't had another relationship in that time either) for him to change?

I'm worried that if I lay down the law too much it puts too much pressure on something when really we should just be dating again. At the same time I want to assert myself.

Any advise oh wise Mnetters?

OP posts:

turtletea · 01/10/2015 18:32

Be very careful, don't give an inch

AnyFucker · 01/10/2015 18:37

I say never go back

If he really wanted you he wouldn't have let vague concerns like "not in the right place for a relationship" get in his way

He is sniffing around now because the grass obviously wasn't greener

If I did this, I would consider I had compromised myself and that any respect he had for me would be similarly reduced

Original poster

whitershadeofpale · 01/10/2015 18:43

I understand what you're saying but the 'not in the right place for a relationship' was my shorthand. He never said that, there were clear reasons that meant the timing was bad and he needed to sort some stuff out on his own.

OP posts:

Original poster

whitershadeofpale · 01/10/2015 18:44

Its not a grass isn't greener thing. He hasn't seen anyone else whilst we've been apart.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 01/10/2015 18:45

You know that for sure ?

Duckdeamon · 01/10/2015 18:48

Inadvisable to go from a relationship to "friendship" with someone you still want to be in a relationship with, better to not see them at all for a good while.

What were his "good reasons" for "not being ready" then?

Original poster

whitershadeofpale · 01/10/2015 19:05

Anyfucker yes

Duck I'm really sorry but I can't say as it involves other people.

Generally I have a strong bullshit detector and am very comfortable being single. I don't/ didn't think he's lied to me about anything

Turtle I'm not going to. If I decide to give things another go after hearing him out, I will make clear that I won't be a doing it again, it's a final chance.

OP posts:

TheMarxistMinx · 01/10/2015 19:16

Why is it that people now have to "manage" their relationships and interactions with others, what happened to acting with honesty and integrity.

Have you been waiting hoping he would sort his shit out and want a relationship? or not? Have you even so much as wished that he would do this? If so, say so.

Because from his perspective, he respected your decision to just be friends when he couldn't offer you more. He may well have sorted himself out and may well have been doing so because he wants to be with you.

So, be honest and expect honesty in return.

If I were wanting to be with someone and they were honest, even if that honesty may make them look vulnerable, I would see integrity and strength in their willingness to be honest and make themselves vulnerable.

At least that is they way things should be IMO

Original poster

whitershadeofpale · 01/10/2015 19:27

themarxist I have always been honest and acted with integrity and I believe he has too.

The time we've been apart I have hoped things would change, particularly at the beginning but I wasn't prepared to wait around for him to click his fingers. I've carried on my life, started new activities, made new friends. I was prepared for things not changing it that as time went on I would change my mind. I don't believe this is acting without integrity.

At the time I told him that I wished things could be different, respected they couldn't, really valued his friendship but couldn't say what might happen while we were apart. To me this was completely honest.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 01/10/2015 19:30

I would give things a go if that's what you want, BUT take it slowly. Don't leap in with both feet (or both crutches!) Make him work for a relationship if that's what he wants. What I'd really be concerned about would be is he wanting to be the white knight riding in to rescue the poorly damsel in distress? Not keen on guys like that as they tend to not handle equal partnerships very well. (See: my marriage.)

Original poster

whitershadeofpale · 01/10/2015 19:41

I don't think so pocket it's been a few months since the accident. But I'll watch for signs .

I suppose that's what I'm worried about really. The first time round it was just great dating that was heading somewhere but I feel like they'll be more of an expectation of things progressing now rather than organically iykwim.

OP posts:

TheMarxistMinx · 01/10/2015 20:01

White when you speak to him all you need say is exactly what you have said in response to my post.

It makes clear how much you like him, it makes clear that you were prepared to walk away and get on with your life and wouldn't wait/or put up with any nonsense. If you want to build a relationship with someone it should always be based on honesty and trust...from the outset.

I think I understand what you mean about pressure and perhaps things won't feel that they evolve naturally. That would be my thinking too. So maybe you need to look to him to tell you what he wants, and what he expects to happen. Or you could say that you want to date and see where it goes...but this might confuse him because you had said you wanted more. What I wouldn't do is rush in saying you want more now, from the off, that I think would place you in a position of disempowerment.

Duckdeamon · 02/10/2015 11:13

Don't quite understand why "other people being involved" means you can't explain his reasons for not wanting to pursue a relationship with you, since these things can easily be explained anonymously, but I presume it was something like him being someone else before you who didn't like him dating you and/or was somehow "vulnerable", or he was hung up on an ex and wanted time to get over it.

Flirtatious texts to test the waters are a bit wimpy and easy to send IMO! Not exactly putting himself out there to be vulnerable. Wonder what he'll say in person: hope it's nothing less than "I really miss you and want to be with you" and not something weak like just trying it on after a few drinks or "wanna give it a go?"

Duckdeamon · 02/10/2015 11:17

I also wouldn't advise meeting him anywhere romantic like the location of your first date: if he wants to ask you to get back together and isn't simply assuming you will agree (which he seems to be doing and testing you by inviting you to meet there) he should a least meet you at a more mundane location/time/day and have he guts to tell you in person!

ChilliAndMint · 02/10/2015 11:33

" When the going get's tough, the tough get going", literally.

I think he's a plonker, the texting thing is ridiculously childish; he doesn't want a relationship, a booty call more like.

sparkle10 · 02/10/2015 11:48

I had a similar experience, take it slowly but if he has made his mind up he wants a committed relationship with you then that's probably what you'll get.
I'm 3 years into a relationship with a man that was (and still is) my best friend. Prior to 3 years ago I would have had a rocky road if we'd got together as I know he wasn't ready to commit but when we got together properly we were both ready and it's been great.

Original poster

whitershadeofpale · 02/10/2015 12:39

Thanks sparkle

Chilli if he's after a booty call he's going to be very disappointed! I'm living with my DM, DB and DN at the moment, can't travel very fair (wouldn't make it to his) and still have my leg in a cast!

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 02/10/2015 13:03

Rockluvvindad · 02/10/2015 13:25

The only thing you should be listening to is your instincts...

If he asks you then go with what you feel. There is no-one else involved. You know his circumstances, and whether they will likely cause a problem in future.

Life is short. You both like each other. Choose life, not an internet forum. If it works out, brilliant. If not, you're not really any worse off than you are now. All life is a gamble.

Honestly, some people on here like to see "Eastenders" in every post.

RLD

TheStoic · 02/10/2015 13:34

Don't overthink it. He might say outright what he wants. If he doesn't, ask him. If it appeals to you, go for it.

If you're unsure, maintain your distance. He will work for it if he's serious about it.

Original poster

whitershadeofpale · 02/10/2015 13:42

Thanks Rock my instinct is to give things another go. I trust him and although I wish things had happened a bit differently I think he's behaved in the best way he could in the circumstances (I believe I have too).

Really the advice I was looking for was more how to handle things from now on. I know we can't just act like the break never happened, I want to make it clear this is the last time this will happen but I don't want it to be as if I'm laying down the law too much. Ultimately although we've known each other for a year, we've only dated for 4 months.

OP posts:

sparkle10 · 02/10/2015 13:50

If you want to give things a go make sure he knows he's on his last chance. If he mucks you about he's gone.
If it works out, the first few months you'll probably have your guard up still but the longer you're together that will go and you will feel more secure.
It's up to you to decide if he's worth giving another chance.

Robotgirl · 02/10/2015 14:32

I agree with Rock on this one.
Sometimes other stuff gets in the way/unpredictable incidents occur/kids are involved/there's baggage from previous relationships & you can't always be 'prepared' or feel ready when you meet someone you like.
It sounds like you're being honest with yourself, OP. It sounds like you both have similar feelings for each other and if you feel prepared for either outcome then I would have a proper chat about what you both want. Sounds like you've got a busy life with good friends/family around you & he's not the be all & end all. Hope you Rev

Robotgirl · 02/10/2015 14:33

Oops - posted too early - hope you recover soon!

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