Parent's marital probs

[sunjune]

Hi I'm 40 , only child, married with 2 kids under 10 and work full time.

I 'm close to my parents esp my mum. My dad occasionally tells me he is on the verge of separation as my mum is very controlling...they are over sixty and she is still very suspicious of him with woman ....he nevercheated but lied a couple of times in the marriage ( I suspect to avoid cross examination!) I know she is controlling.....se tries it even with me ( and she makes me stresses) but I stand up to her more than him and refuse her questions sometimes. or point out that at 40 she does not need to instruct me step by step. my dad is retied and she tends to plan the day her way and he has to comply.....she decides when things get done etc....she is very hard working and my dad is very laid back so if he wants to postpone work she tends to make him feel likehe is lazy etc....

Although I love my mum, I'm aware that he is right: she is very controlling and must make him feel stifled. She grumbles if he takes long visiting an elderly male neighbour , stays long in garage etc....she has her freedom. My dad this morning told me how fed up he is and that one day he will leave without warning because he cant take it anymore. I'm obviously very anxious about this...was meant o work from home this am and cant concentrate or do anything.....I'm scared.....what if he does it...how will it effect me, my kids etc.....I don't think I can handle my job , my family and all this! He has threathened before, left for a day a couple of times then came back so it might just be threaths.....any advice? At these times I wish I have a sibling.....I do not want to share this in detail with my husband as when we argue he sometimes mentions this trait of my mum and tells me he wont take it like my dad....I think I m more like my dad and ot very controlling but I did have to learn in the marriage that certain behaviours were not healthy since I was so used to them growing up....so better I leave my husband out of it as we are doing well and working on our marriage too. I'd really appreciate anyone's advice esp those who have similar situations. Thank you. xxx

I mean what I am going to say in the nicest possible way. What would be the worst thing that would happen if he did leave? He would be able to live a life under his own control and it might be the wake up call that your mother needs. He does need to stand up to her or live under your mothers rule for the rest of his days and really the poor man can't be expected to.

My parents do not have the happiest marriage either but I have learned (after always being the one to run and pick up the pieces in our family) that you do have to step back, especially when you have your own family. Their problems were starting to affect my own life so I pulled back. If they are really going to split up then there is nothing either you or me can do, they are big and bold enough to make their own decisions

Hi OP, I feel your pain. My parents have an awful relationship too and both have separately used me and my sister as an emotional dumping ground for years, since we were young teens. My dad has told me that he has thought of leaving many times. I've had to pull back and become much less available - I can't take it any more. There are other issues in my relationship with both of them - I'm not at all close to either of them anymore - but I just couldn't handle being their marriage counsellor any more.

I don't think its fair for either of your parents to be sharing this level of detail with you about their relationship. You are too close to both of them and its impossible for you to be objective. What are you meant to do with the information? It must be so painful for you.

My advice is to stay out of it. I would refuse to discuss their personal relationship any further. They are adults and must make their own choices. It is completely unfair to burden you with it.

I think you need to take a big step back and adjust your boundaries with your parents: they should not be offloading on you and are adults who can make their own decisions.

They need to find other outlets and handle this themselves. Not fair on you.

Your H is being below-the-belt if he is comparing you to your controlling mother.

I am so grateful I got so many replies...it makes me feel like I'm not alone to have to deal with this. Its true I have to set boundaries but difficult not to worry. But I have to take care of myself and my family first and formost. I see my parents every week day as they care for my children after school while I'm still at work (only couple of hrs) and most of the time they seem ok although like I said I do notice my mum's tendancy to micro managing and it drives me nuts. And then I get these periodic threaths from my dad (and rarely from my mum). Anyway I've decided to take my mum out for coffee nxt week and just mention that I notice this micromanagement and that I think she needs to tackle it without saying my dad says anything and then back off as its not my issue. thanks everyone for your friendship...just registered on mumsnet as its a place where you can chat about stuff and get some support. ;)

If your father's over-sharing and (empty) threats are making you feel anxious, don't listen to them. Cut him off and tell him: "I don't want to hear it, Dad. I hope you can work things out one way or another and be happier, but she's my Mum so leave me out of this."

Your husband is also being a bit manipulative, it seems to me: trying to cow you into the behaviour he wants by using what is a really sensitive issue for you. Not cool either, and I suggest you also cut him off when he makes those kinds of comments: "I am not my Mum so don't compare me to her. If you don't like what I'm doing here, we can discuss it. But fight fair."

Anyway I've decided to take my mum out for coffee nxt week and just mention that I notice this micromanagement and that I think she needs to tackle it without saying my dad says anything and then back off as its not my issue.

Indeed, it's not your issue, so back off before you have this kind of conversation where you meddle with their marriage.

It's their relationship. It's not your problem to fix. It's not in your power, and no one will thank you for it - trust me. Just keep out of it completely.

I mean this very kindly, btw.

I really wouldn't say anything to your mum. If she's been like this for years it's unlikely she will suddenly snap out of it! It's between her and your dad to resolve (or not).

I have parents with difficulties and boundary issues myself so know it can be hard!

Be kind to them both of course, but best to focus on improving your own situation.

Seeing them so often and them caring for your DC (after school care is still quite a lot of work for older people IMO) might not be for the best if it stresses you out.