porn insecurities

[jessica3692]

I have an 8m old daughter. It was too painful to have sex for 6m after birth due to healing but since then my hubby and I have been having sex 2-3 times a week and it's been really fun and enjoyable.

Before I was able to have sex I did a lot of oral (sorry if tmi) and even let him video it. It's been a while since the video.

anyway he was home early from work yesterday so he was back a few hours before me. He very rarely comes home and I'm not there.

On your ipad, when you open up your internet there is a way to seach in "private" mode and it doesn't save your history. When I discovered this I said oh I wonder what you're going to get up to because I've seen a couple of times that he has been on porn. He innocently denied how to use it in private mode. So I came home yesterday and my instinct told me to check the private page and of course left open I found a video of a woman giving oral. And it has really hurt me. I'm angry that he feigned stupidity at knowing how to access the private page and when I hinted that I knew what he had been on and wanted him to admit it he pretended to not have a clue what I was on about. Finally admitted that he had watched it, lied about when he watched it and then finally admitted it was whilst I was out (even though it makes no difference when he watched it!). To begin with he wasn't sorry And I was so angry that he denied it, saw I was hurt and didn't respect me enough to apologise. Finally later on he did. But I feel so angry. Like as soon as he's out he has to watch it. That he asked if he could video me doing it a while ago, I agreed but why didn't he use that?! Apparently he forgot. He always says how good I am at oral but right now I don't want to give him oral any time soon because of what he watched and I worry he's going to think about what this woman did and possibly suggest I do it. I know I'm probably overreacting and I know this isn't grounds for divorce but do I have a right to be this upset? It's the lying that bothers me the most and taking ages to apologise even though I clearly felt insecure about the situation...

Hi there. My own personal opinion is that this is fairly normal behaviour. Yes it's a shame he didn't 'fess up to it straight away, but that's because we are brought up to think porn is something to be ashamed of. On the other hand, you don't have to have a right to be upset. You just are. Did you tell him you are so upset, and why?

I don't think you are over-reacting at all. If you aren't happy with him using porn you are allowed to be unhappy about it. Of course you do have the right to be upset!

Straight away. I think that's why I was upset it took him so long to apologise! I guess because although we are brought up believing it is something to be ashamed of, we are also brought up to believe men watch it (I know women do too) and thats just a part of life and that's why I felt like I can't be upset because it's so normal. I still hate it though!

Hmmmm. Well, certainly a lot of people accept porn as normal and just a part of life, but plenty of people don't.

I used to watch it myself and turned a blind eye to my OH's use of it but I became gradually uncomfortable with it- especially after we had our children.

My OH and I have discussed it at length and done a bit of thinking about ethics and neither of us use porn any more.

You don't have to accept it if you don't like it.

And being ashamed about porn use is not the same as being ashamed about sex or sexuality.

Of course you have the right to be upset. We all have the right to feel however we do. He shouldn't have lied about it, that was very wrong.
Ultimately you need to decide whether or not watching porn is a deal breaker for you. It is quite normal for men and women to watch it. You are within your rights to ask him not to watch it just as he is within his rights to carry on watching it as masturbation is a private act. But he shouldn't lie about it.

Not all people watch porn, just because it's all over the internet doesn't mean everyone is using it so it's just as normal not to watch it!

You have every right to be upset, I'd be upset at him using porn when he has a healthy willing partner and also about the lying.

I'd also stop allowing him to record you, it could end up anywhere, he's clearly untrustworthy in the sex department.