Worried about MIL

[DuchessOfWeaseltown]

Can I ask you wise MNers what we could do about this situation?

My MIL lives alone, she is mid 60s, retired a couple of years ago.

She is divorced from FIL, her instigation 10 years ago after what she told DH were 'many years' of unhappiness. (fyi there was no abuse, cruelty etc, FIL is just not very emotionally available as many men of his generation are not and it took its toll on her I think)

She has minor money concerns but no mortgage, a nice home, a good standard of living even though she obv can't just buy whatever she fancies on a whim.

She has amazing friends with whom she spends a lot of time.

BUT... she is permanently 'down', eg she met DH today and spent their entire lunch sobbing because there is some damp in her flat (getting it fixed isn't a problem financially but I get the impression she just feels overwhelmed) and because she has had a spat with a friend. A few weeks ago she ran DH's sister screaming and yelling in a panic because she had arranged to meet a friend in Central London and she couldn't find her at the meeting point (DH's sister was 4 time zones away at the time, which MIL knew, so obviously wasn't actually a practical solution to call her!!)

She worries and frets and obsesses about many many things, from the small (minor incidents involving her neighbours) to the world-scale (ISIS threat)

We love her dearly and she has never been anything other than a terrific MIL to me so this is in absolutely no way a MIL-bashing thread!!

She adores our DD although is VERY nervous about possibility of being left on her own with her for more than about 5 mins with me in the next room. She and DH fell out very badly a decade ago when she made the decision to divorce as she handled a lot of it very badly and was very difficult (OK impossible) to deal with but they have since worked very hard to rebuild their relationship and were getting on a lot better. Now he is either dreading the latest text from her with all the things that are troubling her, as he has run out of constructive advice/sympathetic hand-holding techniques, OR worrying about her as she just seems to get more and more 'low' and upset by every little thing.

What I am asking, really, is if this sounds 'just' like depression/anxiety (She has displayed strong charactersitics of both of these in the past even thogh obviously I'm not remotely privy to any properly-diagnosed mental-health conditions) or anything more? She is so fragile and bursts into tears at almost anything DH says to her (and he is a very gentle and understanding man so he is only ever trying to offer advice or a fresh perspeective on her troubles) and it is almost as if she wants nothing more than for her (increasingly random and bizarre) worries to be agreed with.

We are trying to spend plenty of time with her but these occasions all too frequently end in tears (literally: we took her out for an afternoon tea and she sobbed about her new fear that ISIS operatives are living on her street; when DH eventually said this couldn't possibly be the case she got up and left in tears) and don't seem to cheer her up at all.

Any advice, really, is what I'm hoping for!

Thanks all :)

I do think she sounds depresses and anxious. How you get her to go and see her doctor is another thing entirely . But she really seems to be getting thing completely out of proportion and is lacking in reasonable judgement skills. Good luck with her. It must be very difficult for you all to cope with.

As a bipolar anxiety monster, I agree. She sounds like she's struggling, bless her. Can you get her to make a doc appt and go with her?

She needs to see a Dr as while depression/anxiety are the symptoms they're not necessarily the cause. It could also be the result of a small unnoticed stroke/heart attack, blood clot, early dementia, uti etc only a Dr can get to bottom of it.

It does sound as though she lacks self confidence coupled with anxiety / depression, and she's struggling. What happens if you do agree with her?

Is there any way you can see her GP and express your fears, and then get her to see the GP afterwards, even a day or two afterwards? I do appreciate how wearing this must be for you all, my DP's mum has just moved into a sheltered bungalow, and we do wonder if she is also suffering the beginnings of dementia. It's not easy at all, I've noticed a difference in her to when DP and I got together 4 years ago (she was 70 when we got together).

There seems to be a lot of paranoia mixed up with the depression/anxiety too, bless her.

It could well be early dementia, as a PP suggested. Is there any family history of illness you know of? My dad was showing similar symptoms for YEARS and he was recently diagnosed with Huntington's disease.

Thank you so much everyone.
Yes I suppose some sort of dementia was what I was worrying about even if the actual word 'dementia' hadn't occurred to me until now.
I don't think anything like that runs in her family but obviously that doesn't mean it can't be that.
Truth is she has had episodes of being very 'difficult' for years now and it is still very hard for her family to understand why she wanted the divorce as tbh she is even more unhappy without FIL in her life, just with less disposable income (obviously splitting a household in two is expensive at that time of life) and more lonely. She always used to say she wanted to travel the world but now won't really go anywhere. Having said she had great friends, yes, she does, but she has fallen out with her oldest friend (irrevocably) because of some perceived slight that none of us can understand when she explains it and is falling out with other good friends quite frequently.
I think I need to have a serious talk with DH and see if he and his sister should try a new, more focussed approach. TBH they have lived with her being pretty tricky for a while so they have a tendency just to roll their eyes at each other and say she's being difficult again but I don't know if either of them has actually thought it could be something more than that.
Thank you. Hugely appreciate the replies.

How old is she? Dementia's not that common in the under 70s. But she isn't right in the head, that's for sure - how likely is it you can you get her to a doctor? MIL might (will, for sure) use that as a trigger for more hysterics, so tread carefully.

If you can get her to see a GP, you can call her/him first and express your concerns. Ham it up a bit - the ISIS thing is not a good sign. And MIL may well (will, for sure) deny there's a problem.

Good luck.

She's 66... Thing is she does have a history of anxiety, I'm fairly sure, even if not necc depression too... The paranoia is the newer element although tbh a lot of that started 10ish years ago with the divorce when she decided anyone who wasn't 100% 'with her' (eg gently questioning if she was sure) was against her... it's how her oldest friend was cut off, because MIL got it into her head she was communicating with FIL behind her back and telling him things MIL had told her in confidence... The paranoia is the thing DH finds the hardest to deal with, he is very rational indeed and finds it impossible to even make soothing noises and indulge any of the paranoia, be it about ISIS or about a friend 'betraying' her.

The GP thing is probably a good idea but I really fear the consequences of her 'finding out' as it will play right into the hands of her paranoia!! But obviously that isn't a good reason not to think about it.
Thanks again all.

I have a theory that the body is less efficient at maintaining its seratonin levels as you get older. Quite a few of my friends, previously confident and outgoing, began to struggle a bit in their 60's, particularly those who lived on their own.

Your mil sounds as if she definitely needs a trip to her GP. A low dose anti-d/anxiety medication could be the answer.

Hi there,

We're going to move this thread over to our Relationships topic now, at the OP's request.

Oh your poor MIL, and it sounds very hard for both of you too. I can't offer any advice, sorry, just some

I had a serious period of anxiety depression about 18 years ago, and still have to be careful. A strong feature for me was finding it hard to cope with everyday small problems, being seriously emotionally effected by news items (such as abused children and murders), and also some paranoia about people talking about me. I personally don't think any of this sounds like dementia.

Try to get her to see a doctor and counselling. I suspect her marriage break-up has not ever been emotionally resolved for her. Getting her to admit she has a problem is going to be very hard though; try and be sympathetic about how she feels but tactfully talk about getting help rather than make it seem you are saying it is 'all in her head'.IFYSWIM

As you have a good relationship with her, could you suggest going to the GP with her?

I am a similar age, but, even though my GP is great, I find it very hard to talk about anything other than a purely physical illness.

If you can get her to open up to you a bit, and suggest that you go with her to talk about getting a prescription for her anxiety she might be willing. Especially if you are able to talk for her and describe the effect her anxiety is having on her life.

I do think she needs to see her doctor. It could be something very innocuous, but it could be the very early signs of dementia. If so, there are drugs that can help in a lot of cases, to slow down the progress of the disease.

Poor MIL. I hope she can get some answers.

Poor woman, what a life... and the stigma of mental health problems really is worse among her generation.

Did she have suspicions about her DH's fidelity? I have to say that after what I found out my husband did behind my back, I also felt as if I couldn't trust anyone, and as if the world was a much nastier place than I'd previously assumed. The depression also had me crying over news stories etc. And I have not kept in touch with one old friend as I know for sure that my husband was feeding her lies and she believed him rather than me ... I wonder if she has kept the precise reasons why she broke up with him from you, out of shame? ... I did go to the doctor and now take an SSRI, which has reduced the paranoia and depression.
I can understand that your husband doesn't want to pander to her fears, but it sounds as if his disagreement is just making her more desperate that no-one believes her. Could he really not "pretend" a bit, just to make his poor old mum feel better? He doesn't have to insist that she is wrong - maybe just try saying nothing, instead, and putting his arms round her and giving her a cuddle? Physical contact can make a huge difference, and the woman's not had much lately, I'm guessing?

Gosh that sounds tough . It does sound like depression and anxiety, and goodness knows she's had a big life change to deal with so perhaps it's not entirely surprising.

I think it's important for your DH to realise that if rationality could 'cure' anxiety and paranoia, there wouldn't be many anxious or paranoid people! Your DH offering sensible explanations is therefore not gong to 'solve' the root cause in the way that a similar explanation might for him. I understand that he doesn't want to legitimate her fears by going along with them, but maybe one tactic would be to bring the conversation up a level when this happens to voice concern about her fears, e.g. 'Mum, I'm worried about you - you seem very upset and anxious about this. I feel that your levels of anxiety and fear are unhealthily high, and I wonder if we could go to the GP and talk about how you are feeling. You have been in tears and very frightened a lot lately. I will come with you, but I think it's important that we speak to someone about it.' etc.

You say she's ok with money - just a thought, is there any way you can confirm that just to make sure her spending isn't out of the ordinary?
How is she with regards to food/eating and sleeping at the moment? Wonder if she's exhibiting any signs of mania. I was once dream reminiscing about a four night stand that was rather good. Unfortunately I was asleep in the passenger seat of my colleague's car on the way back across the UK from a conference. I woke with a startle and to this day I don't know if I sleep-moaned/talked or anything. Could well "just" be how anxiety manifests itself in her though....

Why not write a letter to her GP with your concerns then maybe he can call her in for standard well woman check up.This has happened to a few people I know and provided the desired outcome.

Hello Duchess I basically agree with the posters above: it's likely to be depression OR dementia and it's quite hard to distinguish between the 2 at this stage and from what you say. My Dad has Alzheimers, now quite advance and even though it's a nasty nasty disease, the early days were actually worse than now, when he is calmer and easier to manage. Dad's early signs included constantly losing stuff such as keys, wallet, glasses, missing appointments (but never ever admitting it was because he'd turned up at the wrong time/ date/ place), and really worrying driving. Then it was unpaid bills, not managing his affairs etc etc at which point i got power of attorney just in the nick of time and had to take the reins.
My 1st approach was to write to the GP outlining my concerns. He could not disclose anything without Dad's consent, so I went to the GP with Dad and got him to agree to me helping with his health matters.
Of course, MIL could be suffering from depression, or the worsening of a mental illness which has never been diagnosed, or fully acknowledged within her family. I think this can happen as people age, old coping mechanisms just don't work anymore and the wheels start to come off. Either way, a visit to the GP with you or DH may be helpful in starting to outline the problem and explore solutions/ managing strategies.
It's kind of you to want to help. Good luck, supporting elderly relatives can be very draining at times, remember to look after yourself too.

I am sorry to hear that she is struggling. Would you please tell her, if you feel comfortable doing so, that I, at age 40, took my first course of antidepressants after 25 years of fluctuating mental health, and it was a revelation to me how much better I felt. I had been very resistant to the idea previously, but it only took a short while before I felt like a new woman. I have also started therapy recently in my late 40s and it has also been helpful.

As a side note, it is also possible that your MIL has a longstanding personality disorder, but those tend to be entrenched and not as amenable to therapy/medication.