Is it over?

[Scattymum101]

I'm so conflicted.

I have a lovely husband and two young children. On paper I have everything I ever wanted. On paper I have the perfect life. Yet I feel so empty.

I think I may have PND but also deeper seated mental health issues like long term depression and potential bi polar disorder. I'm very up and down just now and my emotions are all over the place. I feel very unhappy in my marriage but I'm not sure if it's due to my hormones being all over the place. I'm not sure what are real feelings and what aren't anymore. I don't know if my mood swings are causing me to feel this way or if I really just don't want to stay in this marriage.

He's a lovely guy, very supportive and kind but I just feel like the connection has broken somewhere and I've no idea if it's fixable. I don't know if it's partly down to just having such young children and not having the energy to make the time and effort for each other anymore.

I've no idea what to do. I've tried talking to him but he tells me it's all in my head. I don't want to do anything drastic as I can't bear the thought of my babies growing up in a broken family. I did and it stills affects me greatly. I so want them to have the family I never had. I also don't think I can cope on my own as I can barely cope now.
It comes and goes, how I feel about the marriage. That's why I've never acted on it because it isn't always this bad.

I'm going to see gp about potential pnd to try and figure out if this is a major cause first before taking any action. I can't talk to anyone in RL about it. Feeling very lost and alone.

It sounds like you're feeling things very intensely at the moment, Scatty, and that has to be unsettling.

It's great that you're going to see the GP. You've pinpointed a lot of possible causes that you can discuss with them: PND, bipolar, hormone imbalance... It's a very good idea to get that all checked out.

You are not alone, though. MN is here if you need people to listen, and if ever you want to there is great relief to be found in sharing a problem with a good friend in RL.

Thank you so much for your replies. Really appreciate them.

Have had a rough time with family illnesses and bad news lately which I think has taken its toll and made me feel less able to talk about how I'm feeling as everyone has enough on their plate without me having some kind of meltdown.

I think it's intensified just now too as we're meant to be moving house soon and I'm getting scared of taking on a new mortgage when I'm so uncertain about how I feel about our future.

I feel so angry with myself as I have everything I ever wanted and have no reason to feel dissatisfied or unhappy with my lot. I've suffered from depression and anxiety in the past but there has always been a 'reason' for it like work stress or miscarriages etc. I feel so angry that I can't let myself enjoy what should be one of the best times of my life. And I feel so awful for hubby because I just feel constantly angry at him for no real reason.

I don't react well to medication in general so I'm very reluctant to go on any form of anti depressant or mood elevator but I'll see what the GP says tomorrow.

Thank you again x

You say that there have always been "reasons" in the past for your mood imbalances, and that you're angry at yourself for feeling this way now... But you have reasons! Family illness, bad news, moving house, very young DC... If that's not a good set of reasons to feel stressed and unbalanced, I don't know what is!

There is no need to be angry at yourself for feeling those feelings. You're being very hard on yourself, and I suspect that's your depressive tendencies talking.

You're going through a very stressful time. Cut yourself some slack. It would be hard for anyone to cope with.

Talk to your GP about your poor history with medication, too. Lots of people react badly to ADs, and you can find the treatment or combination of treatments that works best for you (exercise, meditation, socialising are all good mood-boosters or mood-stabilisers too).

Thanks again for last night. GP has diagnosed pnd and referred me to hospital psychiatric team who deal with pnd.
HV now stalking me though and she's not really much use so trying to smile and nod without poking her in the eye lol. She means well but she really has been useless tbh.

Hubby is out tonight so going to have some chill time with a glass of wine and X factor now the kids are asleep :-)

Feeling a lot lighter today now I've gotten it all out. X

Oh that is good to hear. Keep on taking good care of yourself!

Thank you for your kind words.

I do try and stay busy. I have lots of mum friends and try and have 3 play dates a week and usually do something with my mum once a week. Sometimes I wonder if I try and do too much and don't slow down enough.

Silly things like the baby still being in our room so me not being able to go to bed early and watch tv or do my nails or put on moisturiser really is starting to get to me as I feel it's very hard to have 'me' time. I can't have a bath if the kids are in bed as the bath wakes dd1 who's room is next door. If I have a bath at the weekend dd1 is hammering the door wanting in and dd2 is screaming so is not very relaxing. Hubby has his own stresses with work so feel he needs some down time as well so don't want to ask him to take them out every weekend.

If I'm honest I think I should probably have walked away before we got married as I knew deep down there was no spark left. We are good friends but rarely have a laugh together any more and it's all a bit dreary tbh. I think he's a good partner and I could be happy as a family. I don't feel is bad enough to walk away as I think I would be more unhappy without him. I feel as though I've made my bed so I need to lie in it. I can't mess up my girls because I didn't have the guts to walk away when I should have. He's done nothing wrong and I know he would be devastated if he knew how I really felt.

In answer to your original question, IMO it's not over. The baby years are really tough and put a strain on any relationship. I'm glad to hear you're getting help for the PND. A bit of time away from the little ones will do you wonders, frankly just going to the supermarket on your own can feel like a treat when they're small. I promise it gets easier. When my youngest was a baby my husband and I agreed we'd just survive it however we possibly could and then pick up the romance once she was older. It is possible to get the spark back, even after a couple of years (speaking from personal experience here, I don't normally share private stuff).

How old are your children? Is the little one old enough to think about moving to a different room yet? Even if not, the months will go by quicker than you think and this will end up being a tough period of your life you'll eventually look back on and be proud of having survived. Young kids are utterly draining but they do grow up eventually. Mine are 5 and 2 and already it's soooo much easier.

Big hugs.

Thank you so much for the replies.

Baby is 8 months old but we're stuck in a 2 bed flat just now and she still gets up for a night feed so she'd wake dd1 a lot if we put them in together. Just kind of biding our time til we move just now but feels like a big black cloud over us as its hindering so many little things we want to do as a family like eat at a table together etc. It sounds so petty and trivial but being able to have a dining table instead of the high chair plus a little table for dd1 crammed in the living room and having to haul them both out and put them away every day, the mess in the living room all the time because there's a jumparoo, high chair, play mat etc all shoved in there. Our room you can't move in because of the now full sized cot and toys just everywhere. Struggling to get down the stairs with the changing bag and toddler and baby and then if they both fall asleep in the car I have to leave one in the car park while I carry the other one up as they both get hysterical when they wake up.
I think the house situation is really wearing me down. I know plenty of people cope in flats with kids and I am grateful to have a nice home with a roof over my head etc. I think the limbo is the worst part and were struggling to agree on a house we both like which is putting added pressure on.

I've tried to implement 'date night' once a week where we wait til the kids go to bed and eat later at the little picnic table we have with wine and tv and phones off and spent time talking and then watch a movie which is nice but hubby is always reluctant as I get the feeling he would rather just lie on the couch playing on his phone than spend the time with me. Apparently it's too much of a pain to put the table up and not worth the bother.

Dd2 isn't an easy baby which I don't think has helped either. She's a very demanding, grumpy baby who never seems happy no matter what you do with her so I feel perpetually guilty as I usually have a neglected toddler and a screaming baby to boot so feel like I'm failing them both.

Sorry for the rant. It's all such silly little things but I think they're wearing me down now. I HAVE GOT to get out of this flat. Feels like the walls are closing in.

Sounds like moving is going to help a lot. You're rather stuck in limbo at the moment, hang in there.

Is it possible DH is just so knackered with working and a young family he just wants to switch off and playing on his phone is how he does that? I have been the same myself in the past. To be honest my DH and I don't manage much in the way of a date night, but watching a programme with both enjoy while faffing on respective laptops/tablets and making the odd comment about the programme works pretty well for us. We're both shattered a lot of the time, but at least we have a TV programme in common!

I am new on here , and just came across this, admittedly I haven't read through all the messages but I just had to comment an say this sounded like me 3 years ago.

I left my dh in the end and there are some days I still wonder if it was the right decision, however I had to do it at the time. Life is not set in stone and we do sometimes have to take risks even if they don't always pay off for us.

In the end you have to go with your feelings and your gut, I do hope you get the answer you need and are looking for as I being there myself knows how hard it is.

I think relationships go through peaks and troughs....you're in a trough at the moment, but from everything you've said, that's totally understandable.
I wouldn't do anything hasty though - I look back on the early years with my dc and marvel at how we ever got through them, but we did, and there's a good chance that you will too.
I understand what you're saying about not being sure about taking on the mortgage for your new place because of how you're feeling, but honestly, I think you'll find things so much easier when you've got more space.