OW is expecting a baby

[mountainlake]

So my still husband dropped a bomb on me... we have been separated for 3 years, got back together in the meantime, then he left for an 'open' relationship with 22 year old girl.
Now it comes out she is pregnant and wants to keep the baby.
Ex doesn't want it, she knew it. it is quite likely she basically trapped him as wanted commitment but he was always clear to her he wants no more kids, she was on the pill and still 'accidentally' got pregnant. He basically run away from family life to pursue his freedom and bachelor style living. I kind of diagnosed him as a narcissistic person and was slowly moving on. And now this...
My DD who is 9 doesn't know about OW. She was never an official gf, she met her in the past once or twice as a friend. She has never stayed with them.
Any practical advice how to deal with it...I have no understanding/sympathy for ex and OW after all they did to me and my girl. My only concern are these poor kids involblved in that mess... I know that the baby will be my DD sibling, so she will have to have relationship with her/him. But I cannot imagine any sort of relationship of my DD and OW. I just cannot do it...

Not sure about the DC, but I will advise you to stop listening to your ex.

Why are you castigating the ow when it was down to your h to make sure he didn't father any more dc? Are you in danger of believing what this proven liar is telling you?

Whether or not your dd has any relationship with her half-sibling-to-be and his/her mother would also seem to be down to your h. Is he living with her or does he plan to live with her? If so, it would seem inevitable that your dd will meet the ow if she's having regular contact/overnight stays with her df.

that would be it for me, OP.
no going back from this one.
i would separate immediately, he must move out, contact a solicitor tomorrow morning and start divorce proceedings.

Get some counselling. You need to get past the 'the little minx trapped him' stage. Well done for wanting to support the sibling relationship, though. It's not easy.

What's your current situation with your h? You all him still husband but refer to him as ex. You say he left again but is in an 'open relationship'. Is that implying you still have some sort of relationship with him too?

You say you are slowly moving on. What do you mean? Were you hoping for some sort of happy reunion? I hope you are well clear and your ex h can be left to find out for himself that 'freedom' from commitment is not on the cards when you decide to shag around.

all = call

We don't live together. I didn't move back with him when we got back together, as he is an alcoholic and my condition for him to have joint house was to start the treatment. He didn't.

I am not, by any means, defending ex or trying to make her sound like the baddie here. I simply met her and talked to her after ex left... and she said to me she is not interested in my daughter or our family, she only cares about her own happiness. It was about 9 months ago. Same time I talked to him and asked if he is planning to be with her properly, he said he is not interested in living with her or setting family with her. I remember saying then, be careful, she might get pregnant. And he just laughed and said no way, she is on the pill, that would be just bad luck, impossible, I am careful.
Well, he's got what he asked for now....

Hence my thoughts she might have trapped him, she is just rough as f...., very young, no education, rubbish background. I think she will just use the baby as a mean to have benefits, ex has a decent job and a flat, so she surely wants a chunk of that, chunk of comfy life through the baby. This is just that sort of girl, and this is not just my opinion. Even himself says it now, but the damage is done.

I do not blame that poor child for anything, I feel sorry for that baby as it will not have a normal family, same as mine.

Ex said that they might 'try' to live together and be together when baby is born, and see how it goes... this is what scares me. I cannot imagine my child being taken care of by this deceitful, despicable woman with zero morals. My ex is no better but he is her father, and he does love her in his own strange way, and most importantly my girl does love him so much, so I have to let her see him. Otherwise I'd cut him off my life ages ago... But his OW didn't give a shit when I begged her to step back and let me and ex to sort things out between us, she was coming over to his flat seeing my things, clothes, toiletries all around... she knew he was not a free man, she knew we were spending most of the week as the family, even though we kept separate houses. She didn't care for months, and slept with him. I hate them both for lying that much, for that long.

Now, how do I cope with it all, for the sake of my DD who suffered enough already... she loves daddy to bits and believes he will never ever have another family, that is what he kept telling her when he left, that she is and will be his only girl and her and mummy was his family but we just don't work as one anymore, and he doesn't want a new one. How on earth do I explain that mess to my child???

People with rubbish backgrounds can be nice you know.

How does contact work now? You say dd never stayed with them, so do they just meet daytime? If your ex has no intention of staying with the OW it might be hard to have any sort of relationship for your dd with her sibling.

Of course he says it. It wouldn't be any kind of ego boost for him.

Do you not think your blaming the ow too much? Sounds like your ex talks a good talk but it's all rubbish!! Who knows what he's told ow. If she is only 22 that is quite young to cope with this situation, not just the pregnancy I mean you, your dd etc. How old is ex?

Children are very adaptable. If your dd sees the baby I'm sure she'd love it and get used to the new situation. There are lots of resources out there for step families etc to help you prepare her.

I'm quite sorry for the 22 year old who sounds like she has been played and is likely to get dumped now she's pregnant and is so thoroughly looked down upon by you and your still/ex whatever.
Once the adults have decided what is happening, you say in a happy upbeat tone, 'Daddy and so-and-so are having a baby, isn't that lovely, how much fun having a little brother or sister' If she gets upset, you let her have a little cry and try and point out the good bits. She will take her queue from you and if you present it as a tragedy, that's what she will think it is!

I understand why you're angry and upset. Your ex is an irresponsible, lying shit. And I understand why you're directing your anger at the OW because you feel you have to try to maintain a relationship with your ex for your DD. That's true. But (and it's a big but because your ex is a liar so we have no idea of the true situation) if your ex and OW stay together then you are going to have a relationship with her too. And your DD is going to have a relationship with her because she is the mum of your DD's step-sibling. It's tough but it's also true. You can't afford to be directing all your anger at the OW.

So, in some ways, I think you're focusing on the wrong thing atm with your concern about what to tell your DD. You don't need to tell your DD anything yet if you don't want to. But what you do need to do is speak to a solicitor to formalise your divorce, put in place agreements about contact, etc.

DD doesn't know about OW existence.
When she visits dad once a week and stays overnight, she is never there.
Ex doesn't live with OW and has no intention now, 'maybe' they will try when baby is born.

I blame both ex and OW for bringing unwanted child to this world, as none of them has no sense of responsibility. They are both very self centered and immature.

And yes, people from rubbish background can be nice. This one isn't, nice people don't sleep with married men and help destroy families. They don't lie for months with showing no remorse, they are not heartless. Nice people, even if fuck up, learn their lesson and do not repeat the same mistake, say sorry. None of them did any of that yet.

I would appreciate if people, who experienced similar problem could have any practical advice, how to cope with it, the practicalities and so on.

I cant see how there are any practicalities for you though. It is your ex's baby. Theres no reason it would impact you much at all.

Well, if you and your still ex are definitely splitting, you don't need to deal with it. Step back from this idiot altogether. He can continue to see his daughter as before; it's hurtful but essentially not your problem any more.

Nice married men don't sleep with other women, especially not ones significantly younger than themselves and still working out their place in the world.

I suggest you stop blaming her, and probably try to move on from blaming him.

My DD will be upset for sure. I need to support her.
Also, I think I have full right not to want my DD to have any relationship with OW. Still, it might be an unrealistic wish. How to sort that out in my head, how to arrange for it all so my DD doesn't suffer. I cannot imagine her visiting them in the their house should they started living together.
I am sure this relationship will not last. So how on earth am I willingly to send my girl there.

And of course I am not going to show it as a tragedy to my daughter. This is I am asking for advice. I have booked an extra session with the counselor to discuss this.

People who feel sorry for poor 22 OW played ex... are you for real??? Well, you can feel sorry for her, I have no strengtt to be bloody understanding and fell compassion towards her. Not now, not after all she did to me. I am sorry but I am not that mature...

Well you don't explain that is your Ex's job. You disengage from his life and build a new life for yourself.
As much as your daughter loves her Daddy you can not protect that image forever, you have to allow him to be responsible for it.
You then pick up the pieces of the crushed child and rebuild them, but as long as you have a solid consistent foundation for your child you will be successful.
My Ex called DD his princess. I maintained that we were making each other unhappy and that was our reason for the split his subsequent actions revealed the truth. What followed is probably everyone's worst nightmares and was awful for DD.
However, she and I are incredibly close she knows I will always be here for her and that I love her unconditionally. She has an okay relationship with her Dad now several years down the track.

FFS I do blame him! I said it so many times but I MUST have a relationship with him as he is DD's dad, as someone already noticed! My anger is not for her only, are some of you people doing selective reading?

Once again I feel like there is no point writing here, there are people who offer advice and support but so many more who just kick you with their 'mature' approach that has nothing to do with real life... have you ever experienced that sort of pain? Or are you just repeating politically correct bullsh**?? You have sympathy for poor OW, where is sympathy for my child, for myself? I am lost for words...

You need to explain nothing to your dd, I'd leave it to her dad. If he has no intention of introducing his two children to each other, tell her a baby exists, but you can do noting else really. Where you ex takes your daughter and the presence or absence of the OW will unfortunately out of your control as long as she is not in danger there. It is really hard for you, but it might not be as difficult for your daughter.

Yes, I've experienced that sort of pain. The only way I found to deal with it was detach, detach detach.
I think you are jumping the gun - they might never live together, they might break up, she might lose the baby. But once you've got him out of your life, it's HIS responsibility to maintain and explain his relationship with his daughter. You can only be as supportive end encouraging to your daughter as you can be.
Right. Said my bit. I'm out.

You need to stop engaging with your ex straight away.

Do not entertain any conversation with him unless it is specifically about conta t with your dd.

It would also be easier if ypu agree specific times and days when he will see your dd and stick to those.

Communicate via email .

Don't say anything about another child to your dc , leave that up to your ex.

Your not h because you are still to invested in him is an alcoholic and is to be father to a baby he created that he doesn't want along with the babies mother.
He tells you any old shit and you are still listening, why?

Go for contact in a centre once a week, as you really want to trust an alcoholic with your child?
Other woman and him have nothing to do with you anymore and as for the relationship between the two siblings, how would this happen anyway? Not that I think it's a bad thing to happen, just the logistics.

At the moment, there is no way for you to know what is going to happen. Your DH doesn't know, the OW doesn't know.

You need to leave your DH deal with it re your dd. Your role is to support your dd the best you can and that means been able to listen to her and not scream when she will tell whatever crap he will tell her.
To do that, you need to detach as much as you can.

Your DH has proven he isn't ready to make the effort necessary to live with you and be decent husband. He has now problems of his own to deal with (the baby) and its up to him to deal with what/how/when he explains what is going to your dd.

Re the OW and your dd seeing her... It will be hard but it is likely that she will see her. Unless of course your exH decides to not have anything to do with her and the child and your dd never hears she has a sibling....
But all that isn't up to you to deal with. It's his.

What you can do is to learn to detach and learn to stop being angry and to learn to be happy again. For yourself and for your dd.